Am I being ungrateful?

[oaktreeaandme]

It's a birthday one.

I woke up at the usual time and went downstairs at the usual time, to find DH wangling the kids so sign my birthday card. It seems the other 24 hours a day of 364 days of the week he was too busy to do this.

I am then presented with my birthday cake while kids are eating cereal - cake still in the box, complete with cellophane wrap.
Taking it out the box clearly too much effort.

Finally a present ... A men's jumper for a sports team that is a very tenuous link to something I like (think being given a Kansas city chiefs jumper just because I occasionally listen to Taylor swift).
I have suffered with weight problems my whole life and although I am a normal weight, my head will never shake the being fat and DH knows this. So why would I want a men's oversized jumper for a team I don't support?

A meal out tonight (I booked table) and a hotel stay (again, I booked). I asked husband what we are doing during the day as we are both off work....his reply 'what would you like to do?'

Next year I am going to book myself a spa trip for 1, no fucks given

Take yourself /a friend out to lunch.

Possibly cancel the hotel if you can get a refund. And spend the money on yourself.

I think YABU about the card and the cake, but YANBU about the shit gift.

First post nailed it.

Some people are just a bit rubbish with birthdays. I spent many birthdays feeling upset because my (fairly minimal) expectations were not met. So now I send DH links to presents two weeks before, choose myself a cake and tell him what I’d like to do. He finds that so much easier. It’s probably not romantic but at least I’m taking charge of the situation and giving myself a birthday I can enjoy!!

I think YANBU about the card, cake and gift, that sounds absolutely shit. But I don't agree it's husbands job to decide what you want to do today, it's your birthday so really you should choose. I don't expect other people to decide for me on my birthday what I want to be doing.

I would love it to be honest. A cake is a cake and a card is a card. I would also graciously accept the jumper and then go buy something that I would prefer and tell the kids mum bought herself an extra present. Your husband could have taken the easy way with a bunch of flowers, at least some thought went into it.

I wish I had 365 days a week, as long as I still only had to work 5 of them...

That aside, I honestly would rather no effort than that level of poor effort.

It's not too late to find a spa day for one...

This is where my head is at, I would rather no effort than a half arsed one.

He's just asked if I am going in the shower (I had said yesterday I was going to have a long shower, do my immac etc in anticipation of a nice romantic hotel evening). I've just said given this morning so far, my Fanny has entirely dried up.

...

No thought went into it, that's the point.

A cake handed to her still in it's cellophane wrapping - could've unwrapped it at least.

Kids signing a card at the breakfast table - could he not have sorted it the night before when he was saying good night to the kids?

A jumper that he seemingly grabbed from a rail because of some tenuous link, which was also for a man which was also in a massive size - Clearly he went out and bought a jumper. Clearly he then also could've gone into the women's section. They're not light years apart in shops. Clearly this is probably a gift for himself.

Then he has the audacity not to plan a meal, not to plan a night away (Op had to do both) and ask her "what would you like to do" when asked what he had planned for the day.

That's appalling. If anyone thinks that's great then they have some really low expectations and that's really sad.

You've nailed it @StrawberryWater

I am in a phase of feeling unappreciated in general and I think this has just epitomised why.

Fortunately with new year coming it it's a great time to make some changes.

What’s the story with the jumper? Did he think you’d like it or is it really for him? Has he bought tickets for you both to see the team play maybe?

I think the card is fine, and the cake especially - presumably you weren’t going to eat the cake for breakfast? He’s shown you it and he can “present” it later with candles etc when you’re ready to tuck in.

Enjoy your hotel stay and dinner out! Maybe ask him to plan a date day for you both over Christmas as you found this morning underwhelming? I’ll be honest though - if I or my partner had booked a dinner and a hotel stay for a birthday, it would be assumed that was “the plan”, and nothing else would be booked, so I’m not sure what else you were expecting? If the issue was in you booking it you should have raised it before now. Otherwise, it sounds like you’ve been waiting for him to “fail”.

The gift is the only part that sounds bad to me, I don't get why you'd want the cake open first thing in the morning. And it sounds like he's willing to do what you want, he's asking what you'd like to do for the day.

If the hotel holds expectations of sex I would cancel now. The first birthday I was with now dh we did nowt.. I changed that the next year. And one year we got married on my birthday.. So extra gifts then now!! Sadly for some it's if you want it to happen make it happen yourself..
Or find a man who will..
Yanbu to accept shoddy showerings of love and respect.... A wrapped cake is very shoddy..

Would not be having sex with that.

I would still try and enjoy the day. How about cinema to see wicked? Then shopping and trying on loads of outfits. Drag him too of course as he did ask you what you wanted to do!

Maybe I am biased as I am very bad at writing the card on a morning but I couldn't get worked up about that. Cakes are awkward when you are not ready to eat them (did you want the kids asking for cake for breakfast??). Gift, is pretty shit, I'll give you that.
As for expecting him to choose something to do today, that is just setting him up to fail, you are not happy with anything else he has done, why would you then want him to choose your day?
I think this runs much deeper then your birthday, enjoy today and deal with the rest another day.
And Happy Birthday btw!

I make a big thing of everyone’s birthday in our house, growing old is a gift that not everyone receives and I feel each birthday should be celebrated in style!

however one year I got a shitty box of chocolates that I dislike, I was furious, as that was all I got, and I felt really unappreciated so I kept the box of chocolates and gave hem back to him for his next birthday. Never made an effort eg banners etc, cake, he soon felt how I felt.

petty, yeah, satisfying, yeah and what an effort he makes now!

lesson learned! 😂

For me, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but I’m not a big birthday type of person. It matters to you though. Tell him you’re disappointed and ask him to quickly make a plan to do something nice today.

The shower thing sounds like you just wanting to start a fight because you’re annoyed.

Happy birthday and I hope you go on to have a nice day.

The jumper sounds awful but he does sound like he is lacking in imagination rather than being uncaring.

Very poor OP.
All part of you feeling unappreciated.

I think dropping the rope and matching his energy helps with resentment.
Stop doing the little things that are never returned.
Reprocosity in relationships is very important.

When you don't have it to a general degree, resentment is inevitable.

Let that be your goal for 2025.

Cancel the hotel break/ dinner if you can and spend the money on yourself.

I couldn't get worked up about the card-writing thing, or the cake being in its box. I think that's just being rubbish at presentation, rather than a lack of thought/effort.

The gift misfired but I can absolutely see where he might have been coming from when he bought it for you - he did clearly think about it in terms of there being a link to something you like, and I don't think he can be blamed for your body confidence issues. Yes, it was a very disappointing gift, and I completely get that, but I don't think it was necessarily lazy or inconsiderate. And I also don't think it's really up to him to decide what you do today or plan things. You've both booked the day off so I'd say it's your choice to do what you like, as it's your birthday.

I can see why you're annoyed that you had to book your own hotel/restaurant, but did you actually have to book it? Could you have said 'I was thinking it might be nice to go away for a night on my birthday - could you have a look at hotels and book somewhere?'

I'm wondering if there are maybe other issues in your relationship and this is just part of a bigger picture, because on its own it doesn't seem that big a deal to me.

I would take the present as something he actually wanted himself.

The bar really is on the floor for some people.

id be disappointed about the card & cake too, writing in the cards in front of you is thoughtless, showing you the cake in the box was unnecessary,

and I’d ask him why he bought you that jumper.

it’s crappy having to arrange your own birthday too, it’s all underwhelming and shows little care or excitement to celebrate you.

My husband is rubbish with birthdays/Christmas presents. Unless it’s on Amazon I’m not getting it. Which I know most things are available on Amazon but I’m not a fan of giving a list and making demands of presents.
so we basically decided let’s not buy for each other, because then there’s no stress. We do something really lovely together instead that we both(mainly me) plan. And that’s okay! I always said to him the best Christmas present he could get me is for me to not have to give him a present 😂 one less person to think about, shop for and wrap at Christmas.
the kids pick something to gift and it’s always very random but that’s okay because they think it through ☺️