Life is so hard what did I do wrong?

[lovedestoryedme]

I’m posting because I have no one to turn to and need advice. I’ve been in a long relationship for 23 years and had 2 daughters. I had a hard life and just really wanted to prove that my partner was good to everyone. In doing so I was gaslight and mentally abused not just by him but anyone he’s wanted to get in on his disrespect to me. I was constantly attacked I gave up my life and stayed with him and his family as I stopped doing anything to save him thinking bad of me but I see now it was all so him was in control. I’ve been asking him to leave for the last 2 and a half years as I finally realised what he is and that he’s no dad even tho this been in there home everyday, but he says he loves me and the kids and try’s to make out I’m the problem and he’s not done anything and he’s a good man and I’m doing this not his actions to me or our children in 23 years.
need advice on:

1. 9years ago he went to a woman’s house 3 times to pick up some papers I’ve never seen this as a problem, 2 weeks ago we driving past her house and I just say that’s where what’s her name lives. He’s starts saying I don’t know not been there I say you have to get papers in a jokey way he starts shouting and saying I’m mentally insane and he hasn’t. 1 weeks ago he try’s to gaslight me into thinking at a party 4 years ago i was talking to said woman and she told us where she lived he was being abusive for 5 days trying to gaslight me into thinking this but I know I only said hi to her and wasn’t on the same tables. 2 days ago try’s to pretend he’s said all along that she lives in his cousins old house she swapped and that’s how he knows where she lives but it’s completely different house to the one he showed me years ago. I’ve showed him the texts of what he’s said before and he’s just shouting at me saying he don’t even know if she lives there he don’t know where she lives I don’t know if I’m going mad, he’s not even answering what I ask then goes out for 20mins and then acts like nothing has happened and get mad because I don’t want to bewith him or talk like normal. I really don’t even know what to think now. Never had a problem with it till 2 weeks ago now I’m questioning everything.

1. he promised he hasn’t taken cocaine in 3 years. A new bank card was ordered 1 and half years ago. I was returning a pair of shoes to store that he ordered online that were too small. Looked for his card in his draw and it has crushing marks alone the bottom and small white bits stuck to it. I asked him and he said yeah it’s cocaine because I said I going to show the kids, but it’s a old card I showed him on the card when he got it and all his doing is shouting at me saying he’s not that person and saying I’m going over things from the past he’s never actually apologised for being a druggie and messing my mind so I don’t know what’s real or not up let alone say sorry for what I have in my hand.

Please tell me straight why would he lie about not going somewhere I knew he went and all the trying to twist my mind. i feel he’s never stopped taking the drugs just got better/sneaky at doing it sad but I’ve trusted him. Because everyone said he was bad I wanted to show he was good. I was weak he gaslit me into thinking what he wants even though I can see the proof in front of me. these are not even the bad things these are just what’s happening today please be kind.

Your title is incorrect. All of this is about what HE did wrong.
You cannot know the reasons for his behaviour. But the fact is he is abusing and gaslighted you. What he says is a lie. I really hope you find the strength and support to leave because he will not change. Whatever he says, nothing you do or don't do will make him treat you any better.
I am sorry. You deserve better. 💐

Thank you. I’m crying happy tears as I always knew I wasn’t mad. Thank you so much. Do you think he’s done something with the woman or just forgot he’s been there.

No one here can tell you what ye has or hasn’t done with this woman but really it doesnt matter because you need to leave either way. Don’t live like this any longer. Contact Women’s aid and kick him out or leave. Do you have any family or friends? Reach out to them, lots of luck to you x

Respectfully, you don't need advice on either of those points. They are completely irrelevant.

This is the advice you need: it's time you leave him. You don't need his permission to end things. Nor do you need to justify it. You are living a miserable existence with him and you only get one life. So GO!

Just because you've wasted years with him, doesn't mean you should throw good after bad and carry on the same path. Stop nitpicking apart every wrong he has done you - because it's obvious procrastination. Right now you are making yourself a martyr. You already know what gaslighting is and that he's gaslighting you. He wants you stuck on a merry go round of 'why?'. STOP. Get off the merry go round and bloody leave already! Stop asking why the lion is chewing on your leg, stop trying to tell him to stop because it hurts you. He knows!

Just take the steps and get out of there.

Please contact women’s aid for advice and end this relationship as soon as you can. You deserve so much better.

If he's a long-term functional drug addict then he's likely got memory gaps. He also, like a lot of abusive people, has a script and a way in his head that things are and should be. This includes you making everything happen around him and never questioning.
As others have said, please contact women's aid and make a plan to get out of this abusive relationship that you're in. You deserve better.

You're not mad, OP, and please don't stay with someone who makes you doubt yourself all the time. His behaviour is the problem, not yours. I'm so glad you've posted because you can start to rebuild your self confidence and plan to get free of this man. You deserve so much better.

Stop asking why the lion is chewing on your leg, stop trying to tell him to stop because it hurts you. He knows!

This is really good advice. I’ll continue the analogy. Don’t ask the lion to stop, it’s in a lions nature to chew your leg, stop trying to change your behaviour in the hope the lion will stop, the chewing is about their nature not your behaviour. The only thing that will stop the lion chewing your leg is you removing your leg.

Thank you will hopefully get him to leave one day but he says he’ll tell everyone that I’m mad. Don’t know why I care no one likes me anyway he made sure to that. I’m weird and hard work apparently but think I deserve Truths at least

You don't get him to leave surely

You leave

You may find that you end up with more friends and love and fun in your life than you believe possible

It’s my home and I have no where to go at all. It’s taken me 14 years to get this house was in a hell hole for 11 of them my children deserve our home. He just won’t leave makes out I’m mad and it’s all in my head and then the children think I’m being nasty as I can’t tell them who he is. Even tho they know how they feel about him he’s still their dad and for 18 years he’s all they have known a dad to be. They do know he’s not caring loving or protective of them, he doesn’t care at all but when he speaks to a few people in his own family and there up set he’ll cry and know how to make them better. With us it’s I don’t what to do I wasn’t showed love I don’t know how and I believed that for 21 years till I see him break down when someone else did someone he says he don’t care about. I do believe he’s gaslighting me and lying but I can’t help not doubting myself and the shame of being such a fool. I can’t really destroy my children can I, my life is over I think I need to keep living for them.
thank you all so much I’ve read and reread what you’ve posted hopefully something will click, the first post I read was like a hug and helped me sleep last night.

Ok someone like womens aid will be able to talk you through getting him out of the house - possibly involved changing locks when he is out if he won't go any other way

Keep your thoughts on this to yourself - give nothin away

You say he won't leave - it's your home, is that correct? And you're not married? Is it rented or owned?

I agree somewhere like womens aid will point you in the right direction.

The problem is he bangs on the door tells the children he has no where to go why am I being mean, says I’m mad and he’s never done any of the things I have told the children can’t tell them a lot as it shameful and hurtful for them. I’m renting but have a really good place and cheap rent for the area. So funny you said about marriage when I had my first child I really wanted to marry him and 2 weeks ago he says oh I’ll marry you, I got sick and he said I’m a drama queen like I wanted to get sick.

Women's aid

The police may have to be involved if his actions are threatening and scaring you and your family

Knuckle down as it will be worth escaping this man

I want to show him this so he knows I can see him and that others will believe me, as you all have and I’ve not even showed you pictures or texts. but I’m a bit scared he starts making up lies about me. He’s done that before to make himself look better and everyone feels sorry for him and I’m looked at the crazy lady that needs locking up because I’m too weak to argue and be abused so give up.

he only hit me twice and the second time I hit him back hard so I don’t think he would hit me but he’s destroying my mind I don’t even know what real, right wrong most of the times

DONT show him this

Hide this from him

He won't and can't change but it will forewarn him and that can make him dangerous

Hide everything from him till you make your moves

He knows that others will believe you, that’s exactly why he keeps you in a place of being scared to tell anyone. Showing him this don’t change his behaviour, and may in fact make things worse because he’ll know you’re waking up to him.

Would you want this life for your kids, OP?

will hopefully get him to leave one day

You need to get out of this relationship.

Are you married or not, is he on the rental agreement or not?

Women's Aid is very supportive and exactly the right organisation that can help you get out from underneath his abuse. Please call them.

Do NOT show him this thread as it would be very risky, from the sound of it.

The best time to leave was any time in the last 20+ years. The next best time is NOW.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

Use this to find a local support one near you, i'm not sure where you are in the country OP.

"Women’s Aid are a federation of over 180 ‘members services’, which provide over 300 local lifesaving services to women and children across the country. If you’re looking to support your local Women’s Aid member service, please search the directory for further information. When you select a service on the directory, it will provide their website and referral email address. Please use the member’s website and credentials to get in touch with them directly."

"Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:
Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
Psychological and/or emotional abuse [1]
Physical or sexual abuse
Financial or economic abuse
Harassment and stalking
Online or digital abuse"

He knows I’m more wake to him now he’s turned everyone on me and now getting the children to think it’s me. That everything I have proof of is in my crazy mind because he’s good at confusing me. He’s even saying if I don’t stop this he’s going to tell my sister, which he knows would shame me, to tell her what I’ve lived with and how weak and stupid I’ve been for 23 years. It’s the shame I have for not protecting me and my children he knows it would kill me if I had to say any of the things he’s done.

The shame of saying what he has been like - that's nothing - so many women go through that - you will find many women who can empathise from direct first hand experience

The shame of not getting your children away however would haunt you all your life

Women's aid

Your childen will learn from you actions and see that what they have seen was wrong and that you are strong enough to change things

And they will know how hard things have been and why you didn't change things earlier