Life is so hard what did I do wrong?

[lovedestoryedme]

I’m posting because I have no one to turn to and need advice. I’ve been in a long relationship for 23 years and had 2 daughters. I had a hard life and just really wanted to prove that my partner was good to everyone. In doing so I was gaslight and mentally abused not just by him but anyone he’s wanted to get in on his disrespect to me. I was constantly attacked I gave up my life and stayed with him and his family as I stopped doing anything to save him thinking bad of me but I see now it was all so him was in control. I’ve been asking him to leave for the last 2 and a half years as I finally realised what he is and that he’s no dad even tho this been in there home everyday, but he says he loves me and the kids and try’s to make out I’m the problem and he’s not done anything and he’s a good man and I’m doing this not his actions to me or our children in 23 years.
need advice on:

1. 9years ago he went to a woman’s house 3 times to pick up some papers I’ve never seen this as a problem, 2 weeks ago we driving past her house and I just say that’s where what’s her name lives. He’s starts saying I don’t know not been there I say you have to get papers in a jokey way he starts shouting and saying I’m mentally insane and he hasn’t. 1 weeks ago he try’s to gaslight me into thinking at a party 4 years ago i was talking to said woman and she told us where she lived he was being abusive for 5 days trying to gaslight me into thinking this but I know I only said hi to her and wasn’t on the same tables. 2 days ago try’s to pretend he’s said all along that she lives in his cousins old house she swapped and that’s how he knows where she lives but it’s completely different house to the one he showed me years ago. I’ve showed him the texts of what he’s said before and he’s just shouting at me saying he don’t even know if she lives there he don’t know where she lives I don’t know if I’m going mad, he’s not even answering what I ask then goes out for 20mins and then acts like nothing has happened and get mad because I don’t want to bewith him or talk like normal. I really don’t even know what to think now. Never had a problem with it till 2 weeks ago now I’m questioning everything.

1. he promised he hasn’t taken cocaine in 3 years. A new bank card was ordered 1 and half years ago. I was returning a pair of shoes to store that he ordered online that were too small. Looked for his card in his draw and it has crushing marks alone the bottom and small white bits stuck to it. I asked him and he said yeah it’s cocaine because I said I going to show the kids, but it’s a old card I showed him on the card when he got it and all his doing is shouting at me saying he’s not that person and saying I’m going over things from the past he’s never actually apologised for being a druggie and messing my mind so I don’t know what’s real or not up let alone say sorry for what I have in my hand.

Please tell me straight why would he lie about not going somewhere I knew he went and all the trying to twist my mind. i feel he’s never stopped taking the drugs just got better/sneaky at doing it sad but I’ve trusted him. Because everyone said he was bad I wanted to show he was good. I was weak he gaslit me into thinking what he wants even though I can see the proof in front of me. these are not even the bad things these are just what’s happening today please be kind.

It’s the shame I have for not protecting me and my children he knows it would kill me if I had to say any of the things he’s done.

HE has done.

No matter what it is, you're basically saying "he did bad things, if he tells everyone that makes me feel bad".

Do you not see how messed up that thinking is?

If I walk in the street and someone hits me, and then tells people to shame me - should I be ashamed? no, the other person hit me.

You need help to get out from this - Women's Aid is your next step to doing it.

Your kids will wonder (will already wonder...) why you ever stayed so long. Kids aren't stupid.

I really can’t believe you all believe I should get him to leave. And I’ve only told you what he’s done now. I thought everyone would tell me it’s nothing move on, It’s really opened my eyes that the proof I’ve had for 23 years is pointless if I’m never going to believe what proof I’m seeing. I’ve asked him to leave as soon as he can. He just said he’ll go after Christmas if I want to destroy my children and him I can let them have a good last Christmas together that I’m a c*ting b*ch that is nasty.
He was on the tenancy but I took him off nearly 2 years ago now but he won’t go. I’m going to stand strong and after Christmas tell his mum she needs to make him come home.
thank you all so much for believing me and making me see as I have daughters and would want to kill someone who treated them even a little of what I’ve been through with him.
When I had my first daughter he left me after I had surgery and don’t come to pick me up and was sneaking out all night.
after I had my second he walked out with me crying because my sister asked him where my cloths bag was that he went home to collect while I was waiting to leave with my baby waited 3 hours and he still didn’t bring it. My sister looked for him outside but he had left so she brought me and cardigan top and leggings so I could leave the hospital. I made her think it was my fault that I forgot I texted him to leave the bag and come to me as I was in labour for 2 days I said I didn’t know what I was doing and wanted him there.

Does he pay towards bills and food, does he have any claims on the property at all. I often read on here about calling the police to remove an abusive man who won't leave if he doesn't own the house.

Well done for making the right decision - that he has to go.

Just be prepared for it to be very tough to actually get him out. You will very likely need to change the locks, and maybe get the police involved. After that, a court order may be needed to make him stay away.
I am saying this not to scare you, just that you need to be prepared to see it through. Please don't change your mind - you have to carry on, keep going, and get him out of your life whatever it takes.

But you don't have to do it alone. Tell people all about it - your friends and family. You will be astonished at how many of them believe you and are 100% on your side.
Call women's aid.

You mentions shame a lot - that is something to work on for yourself over the next few years - why do you feel ashamed? it makes no sense. Is it cultural? from your parents? Maybe get some counselling later on when things have settled.

You need to be prepared to get more help than just contacting his mum to come and get him, OP.

You need women's aid to develop a safe plan to get him out, get his things out, and change the locks. That's not something you should be walking into without an army of support behind you.

Can you rely on your children to help (would they pass him their key if you change the locks?). Think about their support here - but don't warn them in advance if you think he'll turn his anger on them or you think they would be too upset. Deal with the impact later.

Just focus on getting together the plan to get him out - but SAFELY.

And - you will likely need the police to get him to not get in once he's out. For that, you need proof he's not on the rental agreement etc - keep it somewhere safe that he can't destroy, like paperwork in a folder - take a picture of it with your phone. Change your phone PIN if he can access it. Do this quietly and safely.

Know where your finances are tied up- for example if you kick him out, he could empty a joint account.

All of that is part of the plan for getting him out.

You need to line up support to do it, logistically and emotionally. But imagine how free you will be once it's started.

I would try to get away from this man as soon as possible. Family/friends, police, whatever it takes. You're not weak for wanting to hope for the best or try to have a happy life. But this man does not sound very good or willing to change so it's time to try and get away however you can.

Call womens aid and get away from it all.
I did this years ago and asked to be placed in a different town different area i had my hands in my pockets and stared all over again in fact i enjoyed my journey.
Ive been single now for years never will i have a man live with me again.
However i do have a FWB.
Restart and rebuild dont look back.
Its 12 years now and loving life doing what the fuck i want.

He does not pay bills or anything but gives the children money so he’s the good man I’m the one with nothing.
He has no where to go. And says he’ll lose he’s job and to think of the kids he has no one. He does he’s nasty family.
The shame is my mum died when I was young I was passed around my big family overheard everyone say myself and my sister will be a problem always and turn out to be junkies because we will think we have a good enough reason, so we made ourselves strong and promised each other to make our mum proud of us.
mine and his family hated each other and always said we won’t work. I lost my closeness with my family as they thought I would tell his things. He’s family pretended to like me but was rude and disrespectful and he would twist it on me all the time. Then about 10 years ago everyone wants to move on a bit and now whenever we meet up we’re the couple everyone says they look up to and how we have what they always wanted. All he’s family know what he’s like just won’t say it and mine don’t know. I was young and thought we was Romeo and Juliet and never let anyone say a bad word about him while he’s was the one starting the jokes about me. I’m shamed because I had proof so many times and still allowed him to twist my mind. I have always been so strong and hate to seem weak because I’ve been through so much but I see I’ve been doing it all alone anyway just getting mentally abused at the same time. And pretending to the world his a good man while he tells everyone I’m sad hateful and crazy. Thank you so much I’m going to give him Christmas and pray I find strength from somewhere in the new year.

Contact Women’s Aid. Please do it now.

You are amazing and I really hope I’m as strong as you one day. You should be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself x

I didn't say anything to him when i was leaving just woke up one morning and thought fuck this.
Made some calls told no one got my back pack end to that story my new one was just beginning.
I didnt even have clothes and £20 to my name.
But it was worth it made some good mates on my way.

I will contact woman’s aid but have to be ready for his and his family abuse to me and my children. As they will all want to say they always knew I was a heartless s**g and no good and the girls will get no end of messages from aunts uncles cousins.
last Night was the second night I hadn’t sleep and was shaking so posted thinking one way or another I’ve told someone. I read one post and felt validated fell asleep straight away.

What ever they think of you is utterly irrelevant !

You must block contact ( phones etc) with anyone who sends abusive messages ( making sure you log the message first )

Women's aid will guide you

I will try be as strong as you and I’m so sorry no one had you when you needed them it’s so painful knowing you’re alone so glad you have a good life now. Always thought this was it for me. But you are proof stay f**king strong and anything is possible

I struggle with this! My partner is addicted to cannabis and it is so difficult to figure out if he is purposefully gaslighting me or if he just genuinely doesn't remember correctly. Makes me feel crazy for sure though
Edited to add that there are sometimes I think I might be gaslighting him when he says that not what happened?

have to be ready for his and his family abuse to me and my children. As they will all want to say they always knew I was a heartless sg and no good and the girls will get no end of messages from aunts uncles cousins.

Yes, you need to prepare for his family's flying monkeys setting out to drag you back.

"Lose" your phone. Block them by mistake. Change your number, saying you're getting loads of spam calls. Prepare for it NOW.
Protect your children as much as you can. You haven't said their ages, but is there any way you can do the same for them? Block people, warn them (IF IT IS SAFE and they won't say anything) and explain, but ONLY once you know you've got a plan to get him out and there's no risk.

I think you need to open your eyes and re-frame what's happening here.

So what if they call you "a heartless slag". You're leaving your DH because he's an abusive arsehole. Why is that your problem? It's your DH they should be throwing the insults at. Re-frame it. It's not YOU. it's HIM.

I know I shouldn’t care it’s just I’ve treated these people with love and care and always been there for them when they in need, money, help, to listen anything they need and my children will see what he’s like and what they are like and realise it’s always been that way and it’s so hurtful. I have no one to help my children to show them love but in reality I see it’s always only been me, him and them have just shown their faces and then been sneaky or left no real care.
thank you all so much I will screenshot what you all have told me to keep me strong wish I had met one of you in real life maybe I could have gotten out sooner when I had something still about me. Thank you lady’s you are all amazing x

This. Please don't waste any more of your life on this piece of shit. We tie ourselves in knots trying to make them see our point of view and they can't. Have faith in your own reactions because I know only too well how much you can believe you're going mad. It's him. The drugs and other women aren't relevant in the context of an abusive relationship which this undoubtedly is.

Please make 2025 the year you believe that you deserve better. Get rid of him for good and get some counselling (on your own, NOT with him!!) to start healing from this and reclaim your life and rebuild your self esteem. You CAN do it. X

He either will or he won't. That's him trying to control. Anyone who knows you will know he's full of shit. The others will learn in the end. Best thing you can do is work on detaching yourself, love. He. Doesn't. Matter. The end.

How old are your girls? And are they working/in education?

This isn’t going to get better.
It hasn’t changed in all of these years and it’s not going to now.

You cannot make him leave his home and he’s never going to just leave you because this is about control.

You need to move out.
I don’t know your circumstances but there are many MNers who will have great advice on the best way to do this.

OP: I’ve treated these people with love and care and always been there for them when they in need, money, help, to listen anything they need and my children will see what he’s like and what they are like and realise it’s always been that way and it’s so hurtful.

You say you've treated them well, with love and care. Why, if they're so bad? They didn't deserve it. They didn't deserve you. Fuck them. They don't matter. They've taken enough from you without deserving it.

What's driven this behaviour?

Are you worried about your daughters thinking no one but you cares about them? That's what it sounds like.

Isn't it a better, healthier message to send if you say: I only want people in my life that treat me well. That love me. That care for me. That DESERVE ME.

You've been telling them with your actions that people who treat you badly are still deserving of your love and attention and headspace. Change the script. Otherwise they're likely to end up with a piece of shit partner just like you have.

Wake up - if not for yourself, for them!!

If people start harassing your kids, you can report them to the police.

Be honest with them when he is gone. If they are preteen or older, talk to them about domestic abuse (including 'flying monkeys' - people that abusers manipulate into abusing you on their behalf). If they are young, talk to them about bullies and how to spot them. And let them come to their own conclusions about people in their life who are like that.

Once your kids have a safe place to be in with you, without his presence there all the time, they'll be able to think clearer in time, just like you will, and see he was in the wrong. It just takes time and space.

I have already recommended this to another poster tonight, I cannot recommend Dr Ramani on YouTube highly enough. She is very relatable. She's an expert on abusive narcissists. Everything he's doing is textbook. The problem is you've been so badly conditioned you're in fear mode. The kids are also being used as pawns against you and he clearly knows how to smear you. But this only works whilst you're under the spell.
You have to learn and read and connect with an outside source ( not the kids, not friends). I advise online support groups, watching Dr Armani, you need a therapist to help you here. The mental damage he's done is significant and that's why you're afraid to walk away. Part of you believes what he says and they're good at getting others to believe.

Dr Ramani gives excellent advice on how to communicate with the abuser when they gaslight. It's all about never ever entering into the dance. You need to learn more about this dynamic you're in in order to get yourself out of it.

Put yourself before everyone including the kids right now. Get a private non detectable search engine on your phone, I recommend Duck duck go. Delete all YouTube search and watch history. Your privacy is essential.

Call Women's Aid. Tell him nothing, don't accuse him of being a gaslighter etc. You need to plan your way through this and the first thing is you must have people on your side who you can seek support from who don't know him.

Fuck his family! They're probably all narcs, or enablers or flying monkeys. This is why you need to learn and research this. It's alot to understand and make sense of. So so many people and their families are so messed up people from normal backgrounds don't get it.
His mum is probably his number one fan and her little baby could do no wrong. They'll all be deranged or victims of him so they're no good to you and not safe.

You are not the problem trust me.

He’s just delaying and will have an excuse after Christmas why he can’t leave yet. I think you should ask him to be gone by this weekend, before Christmas, so you can have a peaceful time with your children and have a new year celebration . The children will be happy when they see you happy. Tell them your husband makes mum too sad and you need to live separately.
Tell the landlord. Call woman’s aid, call the police. You want him gone and his family can take him in. Don’t let him guilt trip you. The kids will be fine.