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Original poster

DH gaslighting me . How to deal with it!

37 replies

MarciaMarcia · 16/12/2024 21:28

I found a profile of DH on a dating website . I confronted him . He said he knew nothing about it..Now he is saying he may have done when intoxicated as he has an alcohol problem. When I confront him, he gets so angry, saying I'm abusing him but just having a go aat him. Just now I co fronted him.aboyt it and he starts yelling at me then says he can't take it any more he's ABIT to hand z panic attack. He had mental health issues but I just can't take thos behaviours sand gaslighting. My stress is through the roof. He says I kick him down emotionally every day - that's cause he dies shit things every day. He is late, misses things, is on his phone, turns up drunk. I just am at a loss .
Please don't say leave. It's more complex than that.
I want him to seek help but he only dies on.and off

OP posts:
cosima4 · 16/12/2024 21:30

Why can you not leave him? This sounds horrendous. I'm sorry.

Ohnonotmeagain · 16/12/2024 21:31

How is he gaslighting you? You don’t mention it.

it sounds like he has an alcohol problem.

Mum2jenny · 16/12/2024 21:31

You can only control your reactions to him, you cannot control his reactions to you and the surrounding area.
It’s obviously your choice to leave him or not. But you cannot control him.

stargazerlil · 16/12/2024 21:31

He sounds like a narcissist, because he’s using DARVO. DEFEND ATTACK REVERSE VICTIM OFFENDER. When hes attacking you that sounds like Narcissistic rage. I don’t know what you’re gonna do. Narcissists rarely change they just get worse.

applestewing · 16/12/2024 21:31

Leave, why on earth would you stay with someone like this

i I can’t imagine what complex drip feed you’ll give that would make anyone say, oh yes best stay with this tw@t OP

MuggleMe · 16/12/2024 21:31

You say don't say ltb. Are you working towards leaving him?

Icedlatteplease · 16/12/2024 21:33

That's not gas lighting that's just being a lying arse.

Honestly you either accept he lies to you or you leave. You cannot make him stop lying

Guest100 · 16/12/2024 21:35

You can’t force him to get help. This is something he has to do for himself. If he does decide to get help you can offer support then.

It sounds like you are clinging onto something that really needs to be let go of.

If you want to leave, leave. Don’t stay because he is self destructing.

If you stay you need to accept you can’t control the situation, there is no point arguing with an alcoholic. Learn the grey rock method, and let him do his thing.

CreationNat1on · 16/12/2024 21:36

Seek help yourself. Go to your doctor, tell them what is going on. If he has addiction issues you can tell his doctor what is happening, then next time he goes to the GP, the GP can probe a little.

CreationNat1on · 16/12/2024 21:36

AA for friends and families of alcoholics.

Dontletmedown · 16/12/2024 21:36

So he has a profile on a dating site and when you , quite reasonably, challenge him about it, he uses every method he can to shut you down. He turns it round 180 ° to it being you that's at fault. Not him. Even if he was drunk when he did it the intention was there to cheat on you. And on top of this he has a drinking problem.
I don't know why you want to stay with this man.

DoYouReally · 16/12/2024 22:04

These is how you have described him:

An alcoholic
A liar
Abusive
Manipulative
Selfish
Unreliable

You cannot love an alcoholic enough to make them put you before drink. It's impossible. You will end up wearing yourself out.

You need to leave him. I suspect you won't so at a minimum you need to contact Al-Alon and also have some counselling to establish boundaries and understand enablement.

xTheLoudLeaderx · 16/12/2024 22:07

Some many threads about partners on dating sites it’s scary !

The fact he can’t remember is worrying, you need to respect yourself and decide that you deserve better than this. Take the facts, don’t look for explanations. This is not a relationship.

Lavender14 · 16/12/2024 22:13

"Please don't say leave. It's more complex than that."

Can you explain for us what about it is making it difficult for you to leave?

I think op the really difficult (and probably most painful part to recognise) in all this is when you say "I want him to seek help but he only does on and off" - that's because this suits him. It's in his interests to continue gaslighting you and treating you badly because it means he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and it's your problem to fix. You are the one who has to put the work into the relationship while he can sit back and suit himself. He is only doing it on and off because he doesn't want to do it at all because this arrangement meets all of his needs and he doesn't really care if yours are met because he's actually profoundly selfish. So just because you really want and need him to work on himself means nothing and this will only ever get worse. He only steps up enough to keep you in the cycle of abuse that you're currently in. (I recommend you look up the cycle of abuse because it may resonate with you.)

Leaving is extremely difficult and when someone uses the excuse of mental health (ill kill myself/drink myself into oblivion if you left me type of thing) it gets even harder. But op this is your one life and this guy will only bring you pain.

Maybe you start by leaving and supporting him only as a friend while living your own life. There was a post on here a while ago by a guy who's wife had been doing similar but was at the stage of alcohol induced dementia and he was trapped caring for her and felt he had no option to leave any more. Please don't let it get to that stage. Alcohol and mental health are not excuses for abuse which is what this is.

Endofyear · 16/12/2024 22:18

OP if you don't want to be advised to leave, what do you want? You can't change his behaviour - you can only change how you respond to it. He's quite clearly prepared to cheat on you by making a profile on a dating website. If you're prepared to put up with that (and his other unpleasant behaviour) then there's not really any advise that can help you. This relationship is toxic. Is that what you want?

BMW6 · 16/12/2024 22:21

OK, don't leave him. Good luck with it all.

FoxtonFoxton · 16/12/2024 22:37

If you can't or won't leave, then you have to put up with his bullshit unfortunately. It's not going to improve because he "wins" everytime you argue, clearly. He will probably get worse in all reality, because he can.

steff13 · 16/12/2024 22:43

He sounds awful, but you say you "kick him down emotionally" every day, which is not easy to live with either. If you can't/won't leave him, you're going to have to either choose to continue to live this way or choose not to react to him.

healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 23:01

The problem is that you describe someone who's absolutely awful and then say that you don't want to leave him. I don't know what we can say. It's obvious he isn't going to change just because you want him to. He's looking for other women! He's gaslighting you and making you think your own thoughts are wrong. Those are not small matters.

DaisyChain505 · 16/12/2024 23:05

It’s hard to hear someone moan so badly about someone and say they’re miserable and being treated badly yet in the same sentence say “don’t suggest I leave him.”

you lived a life before this person. You weren’t born with him attached to you. Get some strength and dignity and start your happier, healthier life without him in it again.

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 09:54

Thanks for all your messages. I agree with what you're saying. I've just so normalised this horrible behaviour. I just don't know what's normal anymore. I feel very stuck.
I have a chronic illness which means I cannot work at the moment and I also can't always look after the children. He actually lives elsewhere but recently lost his flat so is now airbnbing in a share house situation so the children can't go to his so he comes here daily to help parent. So I never get a break really as I'm in the house. I don't know what to do.
He is gaslighting as he is making me think he didn't do this saying website at all,.
I'm not emotionally unkind to him I just hold him to account. I'm completely lost.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 17/12/2024 10:09

Ring women’s aid or any other charity and get some help.

you’re not even in a relationship with this man and he doesn’t live with you yet you’re still putting up with this shit.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/12/2024 11:01

This isn't exactly 'gaslighting' but it's certainly messing with your head to claim that he's not responsible for what he does when he's drunk and that you have no right to be angry with him.
He sounds in a bad way but also very difficult, perhaps impossible, to help at the moment. Can you think about how to arrange things so that he's not constantly in your home with you during the day?

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/12/2024 13:23

The only problem is that he can't have the children at his place so it would mean no help. I cannot do it all with chronic fatigue so I'm stuck

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 17/12/2024 13:27

He’s lying, certainly, but he’s not gaslighting you.