DH gaslighting me . How to deal with it!

[MarciaMarcia]

I found a profile of DH on a dating website . I confronted him . He said he knew nothing about it..Now he is saying he may have done when intoxicated as he has an alcohol problem. When I confront him, he gets so angry, saying I'm abusing him but just having a go aat him. Just now I co fronted him.aboyt it and he starts yelling at me then says he can't take it any more he's ABIT to hand z panic attack. He had mental health issues but I just can't take thos behaviours sand gaslighting. My stress is through the roof. He says I kick him down emotionally every day - that's cause he dies shit things every day. He is late, misses things, is on his phone, turns up drunk. I just am at a loss .
Please don't say leave. It's more complex than that.
I want him to seek help but he only dies on.and off

Why does he live in a flatshare and not with you?

In all honesty do you even care if he’s on a dating website? Pity anyone who starts seeing him. He sounds utterly pathetic and awful.

If you can’t yet fully remove him from your life then try to stop giving him headspace and concentrate on your own needs and those of your DC. When he’s in your house can you go into another room and communicate as little as possible? Can you refuse him entry if he has been drinking?

I also encourage you to call Women’s Aid for advice.

Are you separated op?

he sounds horrible.

He doesn’t live with you, he cheats on you and emotionally abuses you. Breaking up with him shouldn’t have to mean that the childcare arrangements change; they’re still his children.

Gretchen - he isn't cheating. I know this. But he has had the thought of going on a dating website. That's bad enough. I can see there are no messages etc on it.

Matilda I don't even think he could see someone. He is at this house every night so I know he is not. He has too much a drinking issue to even be able to do this. And feel down I know he isnt this person .he's just in a very bad place mentally. Which I'd be a level support with if he wanted help and if he wasn't hurting me so badly.

What would I say to Woman's Aid exactly? I know it's about DA but what ? One thing I despise is that if I have an argument with him during the day, he refuses o come and help in the evening. So it's a lose lose for me.

There is no childcare arrangements. He can't have them as he loved a chat they didn't want to go to as it was too far away and now he is living in an Airbnb ( pathetic ) so they can't go there. So it's my house or nothing. I'm too unwell to be out of the house all the time so I just gave to have him come and help me and do things like dishes as I can't. Otherwise he literally would be doing nothing for them . None of the domestic stuff that is. I have condition which means I really can't do much domestic but apart from.a few dishes he does nothing. Nothing. I do every morning before school ll evenings. He comes for two hours a day fbd thinks he does so much.

He is just so angry all the time. He almost had a panic attack last night as I dared ask about these dating sites. He walked out as he couldn't cope with being accosted ( yeah he couldn't cope) and I said no you have to stay and help and he literally got up on my face and pointed at me - don't say another word to me.

I don't know what to do.

How do I get him to look after his children outside my house . He doesn't have a house. He is excited about his Airbnb as it's in a loft and he has his own space . I was just behind words when he told me - I was like you are so pathetic you are how old and you are pleased with yourself about this?
We can't talk about anything. Anything. He won't talk finance or what is happening for holidays. Nothing. I just feel ro so stuck.

Bitoutofpractive - not sperated

We live separately as he moved out as he has an alcohol problem and he was angry and wanted to drink in peace

Matilda yes good thoughts. I do sometimes ask him.to leave. Problem is sometimes he masks the fact he had been drinking and it's hard to tell immediately until something small triggers him to go crazy

I think you're being a bit harsh about the whole AirBnb thing, he's got himself a place which is good. It's not very easy to rent places right now, where I am there are so many people looking for places to rent but there's nowhere.

But he is a huge drain on your energy? Nothing you have written sounds like he brings anything positive to your life. If you had to use paper plates fora bit because he wasn’t there to wash any dishes, how would that feel overall? More stressful?Or less?

I understand this situation is messy and you can't just LTB.

I believe you that he's gaslighting you. The reason everyone gets their knickers in a twist over ' gaslighting ' ' narcissism' is because it's used alot. And you know why? Because there are so god damn many of them, messed up like this guy.

If he's denying your reality, putting it on you, blaming you for things, taking no responsibility and making you question everything then he's ticking quite alot of boxes. Whatever he is, he's highly abusive.

You have to understand and accept in your mind - this person is NOT changing. You will become a shell of a human if you don't accept this.

Dr Ramani on YouTube is a legend. She has loads of videos that will probably really help you understand. She has a video on ' when you can't leave the narcissist '. She advises how to communicate and where to put yourself mentally. This is very difficult because you have to grieve the loss of the human you thought they were whilst still being stuck with him.

This will be a long game. You can't manage alone with the kids. I completely relate. I understand that you sometimes have no good options available. It's best to try plan a way to be independent of him because he's going to make you sicker.

Delete your search and watch history on YouTube but when alone have a watch re Dr Ramani

You might as well be separated. If he is the children's father and comes every day to look after them then just accept that as help from him but don't have expectations of him as a partner, because he isn't.