AIBU to message the mum and ask why?

[struggling1983]

DD10 is in a class of 15 and today every child except my DD has been handed a little gift bag with sweets, a wooden bauble and a little toy. DD10 has been given a card and a chocolate coin. DD10 is wondering what she has done wrong. No history with the girl and mum seems nice. AIBU to message her and to ask if DD has done anything to upset her DD?

At a guess -- she miscounted, or dropped one bag on the way in?
(Been there done that, when I didn't realise DS's class had two 'Sam M'.)

I'm assuming didn't have enough to go around. A bit irksome but I wouldn't say anything because it's not like you're entitled to anything.

I would let it go

Personally no I wouldn't ask

It's most likely that it is a mistake in which case you will make the Mum feel awkward and embarrassed

If it isn't a mistake then clearly the Mum and/or the daughter isn't a very nice person in which case you're not likely to achieve anything by confronting her

I wouldn’t, it was either a mistake or malicious. It’s doubtful it was malicious but if it was I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of a response.

Wait, kids are bringing Christmas presents for each other now?! Since when?

But yeah, I’d definitely message the mum

And not defend her DD? My parents were like this and it hurt. A lot.

Whatever the reason is, nothing good will come from contacting the mum.

We used to do that 30 years ago! 😆 Not the whole class mind, just a few friends.

How is it about "defending" her DD? It's done.

What can be achieved now?

Was it during school time? In class? Because it’s poor form for the teacher to allow that to happen, and the reason lots of schools wouldn’t allow this sort of present handing out.

if it was my child, and had happened in class, I’d mention it to the teacher so it doesn’t happen again. If it was outside of school, I’d leave it.

Is it possible that the girl who was handing them round kept one for herself and that should've gone to your daughter?

Mine were like it too and I agree it is painful, but I was getting death threats and I was terrified of going to school for fear of being stabbed.

There is a time and a place and this minor incident is not it.

I like to try not to take things personally or I would be constantly upset if this kind of thing upset me. It was probably just a miscalculation on the other parents part. Let it go.

Thanks I have raised to the school. Its a fee paying school so I would assume its not a financial thing (and if it is, don't give any of the kids a gift). I hate this gift giving thing. That and 'trading' their possessions. Wish the school just said no to that sort of thing - would surely make their life easier.

Are you sure everyone got one apart from her? How do you know? If it’s only your daughters word I would question the validity, especially If there is no backstory.

Ha I would ask! But everyone else seems to say not to...

I definitely wouldn’t message the mum, she could take huge offence.

The teacher will at least respond reasonably. Ask if anything happened in class yesterday as she came home upset and said she was left out when sweets and ornaments were handed out.

I’m guessing mum just got the numbers wrong and a swift extra was created on the fly.

every child except my DD

Are you sure it was - literally - every child except your DD? Because kids often say “everyone else” when they actually mean “a number of other people that I know personally”. It could be that she knows several other people to whom the bigger gift was given and that everyone else (your DD included) was given a card and a coin. I would double check this before asking school/the mum.

I'd want to know from the teacher why s/he allowed it to happen in school.

What have you said or asked the school? This sort of thing is not the school’s responsibility to monitor

As above, I would guess her close friends got the extra things and everyone else got the card and coins.

I really don't know why parents have to go over the top like this. Inevitably it ends up causing upset when someone is missed which is surely the exact opposite of what it's means to be. Pointless.

Oh, I disagree – I prefer it when schools have a blanket ban on this sort of stuff, precisely because it can be used as a sly vehicle for bullying and singling people out, or mistakes can happen that feel like bullying. Friends can trade Christmas gifts when they see each other outside of school; there’s no need for school to be a trading post if it ends up being “here’s a gift for the popular kids but not for you”.

(yes I am joyless, thanks for asking!)

I wouldn't say anything. Are you absolutely sure every single child in the class received a toy? I think it's likely been a mistake and if it was intentional then she'll enjoy you mentioning it. I'm against this sort of stuff. Busy body parents being the big I Am.

I agree gifts should be traded outside of school because if someone gets a different gift like in this case it causes questions which the school shouldn’t be responsible for. I’m more questioning what Op asked, was it why did my child not get the same gift as everyone else, asking about their relationship in class or something else