AIBU to message the mum and ask why?

[struggling1983]

DD10 is in a class of 15 and today every child except my DD has been handed a little gift bag with sweets, a wooden bauble and a little toy. DD10 has been given a card and a chocolate coin. DD10 is wondering what she has done wrong. No history with the girl and mum seems nice. AIBU to message her and to ask if DD has done anything to upset her DD?

This seems like a real possibility.

However, I do know that some parents allow poor behaviour when it comes to these sorts of things and actively exclude kids. My DD was the only one in her class not to receive a card from another girl, they're at an age where the parent would have supervised. This is because my DD wouldn't take any nonsense from her. I just told my DD this was obviously the reason and continue to take no nonsense from her.

I really wouldn't say anything.
I'd presume it was a mistake like a miscount or something.
For the sake of a party bag I'd let it go.

Maybe she ran out of things and DD was given it randomly by the teacher? Teachers dont usually let children be singled out by other parents

Did it 50 years ago!!! Also closest friends.

That's horrible. Our school doesnt let your child hand cards out unless theres one for everyone in the class

You are going to make a right dick of yourself.

You raised this with the school??

With issues like this I always find it useful to take a step back and ask yourself: if I look back in 1/5/10 years time, how important will this be in shaping my child’s life? Put it into perspective. They didn’t receive a gift bag. It honestly doesn’t really matter and certainly isn’t worth creating an awkward situation with the gift bag mum by raising it with her or the school.

Agree and it is from a classmate not from the teacher.
I would prefer to believe it is a mistake and move on.
If similar keeps happening then that’s different.

What is your complaint? That your DD received a gift, but it wasn't as nice as the others?

How do you expect anyone to respond to that?

Well clearly you are failing your child if she is sitting there wondering what's wrong with her and you do nothing but some nonsense about shaping her future.

Op did the right thing by bringing it to the schools attention as this was done in school. It could be an innocent mistake OR if something was done to exclude her dd then the school needs to be aware.
What 10yo hands out a gift to every child except one and does not notice? That's not a 5yo.
A few of my dc class friends did the same but they hand out to every single child and it's checked by a teacher first. Fee paying schools- things like this are taken seriously.

Is your DD sure it was every single child because my dd told me that every child except her had a mobile phone and it turned out only a 1/3 of the class actually had a mobile phone.

I think the fact your dc got a card and something; albeit less than the others makes it seem more like a mistake/numbers issue than anything else

also even if there was something behind it, think about it - the other mum would most likely not admit it over message anyway!

If they were given out at school then yes I'd raise it with the school. They're allowing another child to be left out, whether intentionally or not by the parent, because the school are facilitating the gift giving.

So it's blame the Teacher game again.

My mother was always all about how things won't matter in a few years. All I remember throughout my childhood is how dismissive she was of how I felt. Eventually I told her nothing, even the big stuff. Then she wonders why I don't share anything with her now that goes deeper than 'today I went to the supermarket'. No empathy there.

It stopped when I was a teenager and told her, "It matters now!" Not that she was any more empathetic. I have never been the same with my own children and they appreciate it.

Oh fgs it's not "failing your child" - behave!!

Mistakes happen and it's no harm to teach your child a little resilience. If something like this happened to any of mine - and it did! - I reassured them that it was probably a mistake or something got lost, and it wasn't them. If it happened repeatedly, that would be different.

I don't know how you're going to cope when they start inviting select groups to parties rather than the 'whole class' thing!! Are you going to be demanding to know why your Precious One was left out?

My three are adults and none of them are blighted by any of this trivial drama! I don't care how many fees you're paying - it's a dick move to involve the school unless it's more than a one-off.

You're going to spend a lot of time banging on the school door if you go that route!

if the mum wasn't annoyed with your and your daughter before, which sounds extremely likely, she will be now.

It's a shame.

That's what I was thinking

Just send a thank you card saying thank you for the chocolate coin and card. You could include a chocolate coin.

I'd also question the 'everybody else' as it's quite a common refrain when a child sees a few people doing or getting something (I remember telling my mum that 'everyone has X' when what I meant was a few people at school did and I really wanted it.) So I wonder if it's more that a few of this girl's special friends got all that stuff and the rest got chocolate coins, as it seems a heck of a lot to get a whole class.

Yes I would raise it with the parent if I was confident my dd was the only one.

And how would you be "confident" of that?

CCTV?!!

“Fee paying schools- things like this are taken seriously.”

😂