To be fuming at my friend

[Sadjob]

I arranged to spend the evening with a friend a few months ago- booked a special event (that I treated them too) and booked leave as they wanted to go earlier to avoid crowds. 2 hours before we were due to leave they text me to cancel citing mental health reasons. I am furious but feel like maybe I should be more sympathetic?

Replace mental health with puking my guts up / have broken my leg - how'd you feel then? I'd be disappointed (and concerned) but probably not angry. Although if it was a friend who cancelled all the time for no good reason (ie not that they are genuinely struggling with their mental or physical health) then I'd be miffed. Hope you enjoyed the event anyway.

I’d feel cross as well.Maybe if they’d cancelled earlier, you’d have time to find an alternative friend to take. Did they cancel first thing ( which you would do with vomiting etc), or later in the day?

I'm not sure i would be "fuming" but I would definitely be annoyed

It's unlikely that MH problems only presented today so very thoughtless to cancel so close to the time of the event when its likely too late for you to find a replacement guest to take.

Having said that, If she's usually a reliable and thoughtful friend then I would give her the benefit of doubt on this occasion.

Does your friend have a long standing mental health problem? Or is this something totally out of the blue?

I really sympathise with you when you have put so much effort into arranging this outing and it's been planned for a while. But if you know that this a genuine reason for your friend cancelling at last minute I think you will need to accept that she isn't doing this purposely to upset you, that it is something she can't help or control. And she probably feels awful about letting you down.
Fwiw at times, especially when I was younger, my absolute terror of social situations would mean that sometimes I couldn't actually go to events I'd said I'd go to/ bought tickets for etc. Part of me really really wanted to go but the fear trumped everything.

Well no, with vomiting you'd cancel when it became apparent you couldn't go. That might be 30 minutes before you need to leave if that's when you vomit for the first time.

Depends how severe their mental health issues are.

Speaking as someone who has a mental illness:

If their mental health issue is that they're feeling a bit anxious or worried or miserable, then yes, I'd be annoyed.

If their mental health issue is that they're having a psychotic episode or a full-on vomit-inducing panic attack or they're hearing voices or are suicidally depressed or have cripplingly bad OCD, then I wouldn't be annoyed.

I can understand you being disappointed but not 'fuming' unless you think she's not telling the truth?

I wouldn't book anything again with them in the future though, just stick to coffee or cafe lunches etc.

I can see you must have been incredibly disappointed and 'fuming' at the situation. But whether you should be angry with her depends on whether she has a history of debilitating mental health (in which case you probably should have half expected it) and whether you actually don't really believe her, or think its an exaggeration or excuse. You know her. If her illness is genuine then sympathy is in order (I know it was rubbish for you, but imagine finding you literally can't face going to something?) If you think its not genuine then you probably need to review your friendship.

Mental health issues are as important as physical health issues.
I would be concerned rather than cross.

Seriously?
What about OP’s ‘mental health’ or doesn’t that matter.

I'd be pissed off too. They should offer to reimburse you the money you paid for them to go as well.

Take someone else next time. They should also be offering to pay for their ticket, at least.

Wasting your leave is really irritating, that would annoy me even more than the cost.

It's matters little what the health level of the excuse was, it's the short notice cancellation that's rude. But there's little you can do other than never book anything on behalf of that person again. I'd hope you could bring a last minute replacement or just enjoy it alone or give away both tickets? It's not good but if someone's claiming illness then you have to just accept it.

Agree with this.

Not necessarily.

’Mental Health issues’ can cover a wide spectrum just like physical ones can. If a friend cancelled citing a simple headache as the reason, you’d wonder why they didn’t just take some pain killers and not stay too late. If it was a full on migraine, that’s a different issue.

So it depends on context. Did she elaborate? If she only said ‘mental health’ and nothing else then I would be wondering what she meant by that. There are plenty of times when I have felt extremely anxious about going out but have still managed to do it because I know I will calm down once I get there. But as a PP said, psychotic episode or severe panic attack is different

I’d be furious. And would not be seeing her ever again.
And yes, I have had MH counseling in the past.

I would be raging.

What about your mental health, does she care about that?

Too many people nowadays use this excuse to get away with being selfish.

I would gradually phase her out - unreliable, self absorbed people don't make good friends.

Amazing how the MH issue cropped up 2hrs before linking up.

Block and delete her.

Save your own MH from pseudo-friends like this.

Upon further reflection, I change my advice from "gradually phase her out" to either blocking her or telling her to think about someone else for a change.

This behaviour is only acceptable of 3 year olds and maybe not even then.

It’s entirely dependent on how serious the issues are, and I couldn’t draw any conclusions until I found this out. She could have been trying hard to make herself ok to go and just couldn’t manage. Or she could be a flaky twat. You will probably have a sense of this as you know her.

'Mental health' can mean anything. It can literally just mean "didn't fancy it".

It could be something more serious of course but I'm being charitable to the OP as assuming that OP would know if it was serious. Obviously if it is more serious but really I think if I was going to cancel I would message friend with details of what's actually going on. It's a shame I don't instinctively feel more charitable towards OPs friend but I hear "mental health" excuses as get of jail free cards WAY more often than it has ever been a genuinely disabling reason.

Sorry @greekdogrescue I'm not sure why I replied to you there it wasn't aimed at you in specific!

It does very much depend on whether they are usually flakey or it might be very real and they genuinely can’t go. You know your friend better than us, so what do you think?

I have a friend who would constantly flake on me, sometimes on arrangements that really felt like she was letting me down. I knew her well enough to know it was not always genuine MH (more she couldn’t be arsed with the hassle of going out). I stopped making proper arrangements and just did stuff where it didn’t matter if she cancelled last minute.

With 2 hours notice? …Anyone genuine would be mortified and profusely apologetic. I hope that they are. Sorry this happened to you. If they thought they might not be able to manage what you were suggesting, they should have declined upfront. That you had to go at a quieter time suggests some anxiety about it.

So the friend that cancelled should ignore their MH issues so they don’t upset OP or her mental health? (which she probably doesn't suffer with otherwise she wouldn’t be fuming with this situation)