To be fuming at my friend

[Sadjob]

I arranged to spend the evening with a friend a few months ago- booked a special event (that I treated them too) and booked leave as they wanted to go earlier to avoid crowds. 2 hours before we were due to leave they text me to cancel citing mental health reasons. I am furious but feel like maybe I should be more sympathetic?

I think it’s hard not to take mh problems personally. The reality is that people suffering with mh tend to be quite selfish in that moment. They can’t help it and this isn’t an attack, but the reality is they can come across as self absorbed and uncaring of others. It’s okay to feel disappointed but like others have said, it may not be in your friend’s control. Or she may be flaky in which case, if there was a pattern I’d distance myself.

I suspect from your wording of the post, it is a mild thing therefore I would also be fuming if it was just an anxiety, not feeling like leaving the house kind of thing. Going to an event would not hurt, it wouldn't dramatically change much by not attending, other than probably cheer her mood up a bit.
However as a PP has said, if it were a very serious episode where medical intervention is needed then I would not be raging.

I think some of the posts show not a lot of understanding of mental illness.

In my own case I would sometimes get myself ready to go out. Some times even make the journey to the event. But feel so inadequate and fearful of going into where I was supposed to be going I would turn round and just go home again.

We have no idea about OP's mental state. It may be that right until 2 hours before the event she was psyching herself up to go to the event but couldn't manage it.

Don't get me wrong: very annoying and upsetting for OP but I don't think we can judge her friend without knowing what her mental health issues are.

I'd be sympathetic about the situation. But I would also never treat them again, or put myself in a position of losing anything e.g. money or annual leave.

I know this person has difficulty with anxiety but they said that they had really wanted to go to this event and I wanted to treat them as I know they have been struggling. I booked leave to accommodate going earlier to help reduce anxiety so I was just gutted to be bailed on so close to the event.

Your friend texted to cancel within two hours of your meeting? That’s an ex-friend in my book.

I think it depends. I have significant mental health problems and if I was cancelling so close to that sort of thing, it would very much be a I really cannot fucking do this, I would just have no functional ability to go. If I did go i would either nearly kill myself off and need to hibernate for like a week, or the thing would be cut short as I would just fall apart part way through.

i would imagine, she has been trying and trying to go and at the last minute just couldn’t. I often get like that (at least once a day, even over the tiniest things). It’s just an all encompassing feeling that I cannot do the thing and I physically cannot make myself do the thing. It’s just an absolute complete block.

But it’s the fact that she texted that would make it impossible for me to forgive her. It points to a level of self-absorption I couldn’t deal with.

I think the best thing to do is not organise any events or things that need booking any more. Stick to low risk meetings like a coffee meet up that takes no organising and minimal commitment.

Feelinga bit anxious is a bit different to if she was having panic attacks or a crisis. I guess you need to ask her

People…..you’ll know if this applies to you. If it does, then I stand by what I say. say. If it doesn’t, then please ignore!

I am getting more and more fed up with people who hide behind their so-called mental health issues. If they really do not have issues but pretend they do, they make me fume! It must be horrendous to have mental health issues for real and my heart goes out to those people. As I said, you’ll know who you are.
However, people who invent such issues just to avoid doing something they don’t want to do, or to get something they want, genuinely make me sick.
When I was a child, a lady in our village suddenly became mentally I’ll and was taken to an asylum. Not nice places, and I certainly wouldn’t want that happening now, but sometimes, just sometimes, a little voice inside me says that maybe it should. I fail to see why we should pussyfoot around these people. Medication is available, but apparently not always taken, and that is often the problem.

Sorry but MH issues so close to the time is a cop out .. even if anxiety you need to push through and give it a bloody good go rather than giving into it - because your friend has made such a huge effort .. MH issues doesn’t give you a free pass to just bailing if you don’t fancy something.. 45 years with a poorly medicated BP husband has taught me this .. along with 45 years of mental health education and support .

Sorry but MH issues so close to the time is a cop out .. even if anxiety you need to push through and give it a bloody good go rather than giving into it - because your friend has made such a huge effort .. MH issues doesn’t give you a free pass to just bailing if you don’t fancy something.. 45 years with a poorly medicated BP husband has taught me this .. along with 45 years of mental health education and support .