ExH allowed 13 year old to babysit Step Siblings

[RobertGrayson]

DD turned 13 in September and typically sees her Dad every other weekend. Sometimes he can be away with work for weeks at a time with work (not his fault ofc), this year in particular there has been two separate occasions where he has not seen her for 6 weeks.

He will collect her Friday from school and return her home on Sunday afternoon.

During our catch up after she was dropped home on Sunday, she let me know that she babysat her two step siblings, 2 and 5, on Saturday night whilst her Dad and his Wife went to the pub and cinema. DD has explained that the Cinema is approx. 20 minutes away, they left at 7:30pm and returned at 12:30am.

AIBU to think that:

1. She is not old enough to be responsible for a toddler/young child.
2. Considering he sees her 15% of the time (at best) that they could have spent some time with her instead and not left her alone for a date night.

As an aside, she was paid £10, which I think is also a piss take.

I've spoken with ExH to say that I am unhappy, he didn't put up much of a fight so I doubt it'll ever happen again, but it's really playing on my mind still. Am I being oversensitive?

What a ridiculous post that has absolutely nothing to do with a 13 year old babysitting their step siblings 🙄

13 is ok for a couple of hours, but not until gone midnight. If she's ok with babysitting in general then I'd let her but not until that late.

I think for me its the safety aspect - would a 13 year old know what to do if one of them started choking, she got a strange knock at the door that sort of thing. He should have checked with you if he felt she was capable and you agreed she was - and checked with her too rather than lumping on her.

Forty years ago, most 13 year old girls would have had more childcare experience and more house keeping experience than is typical now, out of necessity (and a lack of feminism)

If you've grown up looking after younger siblings, cooking and cleaning, and expect to leave school at 15 to start work, then babysitting at 13 isn't going to be a big deal. But that's not the experience of most modern 13yr olds! And let's face it, god forbid there was an emergency, would you feel comfortable dashing back and explaining to police/fire brigade that you'd left a 13yr old to babysit for your night in the pub?

I think with a two year old it is a lot of responsibility for a 13 year old! Things can go wrong quickly with a child that age - he has also underpaid her!

Lots of things have changed for the better though, it depends what decade you are referring to, I was a 90s 13 year old and I don't remember anybody having 13 year old babysitters, maybe in the 70s?

Equally, I have an almost 18 year old DS and and a 13 year old DD, the difference in maturity is very clear and so there is no point in referring to teens' competence as a 13 year old is wildly different to a 19 year old.

13 is young if there is no plan B.
7:30-12:30’am is a long time .

i have used 13 year olds to babysit but just for an hour if there was school thing ( like 6-7) and always knowing the 13 year old had a mum/ dad up the street who would come if needed . And that my phone would take a message and I would come home if they texted me ( and be home in 10mins).

what if a sibling was sick or fell out of bed?
What if the power cut out ?
what if the toilet overflowed ?

What the heck would a 13 year old do with no plan b

bad choice - and £10 is a joke.. £2 am hour = £1 a child ?!

I think a couple of hours would be ok assuming dd and her df have access to phones the whole time. Five hours when the youngest child is only two and she gets £10? Ridiculous

I wouldn't be happy either. My DD is 13 and very sensible but I wouldn't leave her alone all night responsible for a 2 and 5 year old. Maybe the 5 year old only just for an hour.
Were the little ones in bed already or did she have to do all that?

Can't believe they thought it was ok to be out until after midnight too! And a 20 minute drive away isn't exactly around the corner of something went wrong.

I appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

I’ve made a huge error in that they are her half siblings, not her step siblings. Hopefully this provides some clarity for those confused.

DD seemed relatively okay with the babysitting aspect itself, she said she sat on her phone mainly.

I asked her if she was given a choice in the babysitting and she said that her Dad had said “we are going to the cinema/pub” can you look after the kids”. She said would have felt uncomfortable to say no and there wasn’t a back up babysitter that she knew of.

Presumably the cinema would have had to have been pre booked and I’m assuming he wouldn’t leave his phone on loud so should there had been an emergency perhaps he wouldn’t have heard his phone?

She said that she would have rather been at home should she have known that her Dad would have been out for the evening. I asked if she wanted a little more say in where she spends her weekends, she said that she wants to see her Dad, but also likes to see her friends and be at home.

DH and I have decided to pay her properly for her evenings work.

I think 13 is way too young to be responsible for the lives of other children. If something went wrong that poor child would have to have that guilt for the rest of her life.
I know it's unlikely, but the fact that something could happen is the reason we have baby sitters rather than leaving them on their own.
There could be a first, one of the younger ones could be sick or fall and bang their head.
A phone isn't going to be much help in the case of fire. Would a 13 yo be able to evacuate 2 little children, who were probably asleep? I'd rather not try it.

All of this. It’s sad for her. Her dad should take HER out to the cinema if he sees her that rarely, not exploit her for cheap childcare.

Nah that's shitty on contact time.

'Love, we're out of milk and it's pouring rain, can you mind the little ones for ten minutes while I go to the shops' - fine.

'Love, it's not your contact weekend next weekend, but me and SM have been invited to a thing, do you want to babysit? I'll pay you the going rate and get a pizza' - also fine, if DD is up for it.

Disappearing for a third of contact time? Not fine.

She said that she would have rather been at home should she have known that her Dad would have been out for the evening. I asked if she wanted a little more say in where she spends her weekends, she said that she wants to see her Dad, but also likes to see her friends and be at home.

This is what I would focus on - supporting your DD’s preferences. Stay away from talk about whether it’s ok to leave younger children in the care of a 13 year old or what you think your ex should do with his time with his DD and just stick to helping your DD make choices about where she spends her weekends.

Tell your DD that she can and should text or call you if she’s not comfortable and wants to come home instead and assure her you’ll make that happen, and that you’ll be telling her dad that as well. Point out that she wouldn’t have been being mean or unfair to her dad because it was the parents’ responsibility to hire a sitter who wanted the job or stay home, and that it would have been fully ok for them to have missed a fun night out (she wasn’t agreeing to watch the littles in an emergency so someone could go to the hospital for example) because they didn’t do so. And ask her whether she’d like to reduce overnights and tell her you’ll make that happen if so.

13 is to young to leave on their own at night on their own never mind with little children. Siblings age 8 plus in the day time for short periods is fine.
I don’t understand the money issue though. It’s isn’t a job they are family.

13 is ok for babysitting I think. I used to babysit at that age but I would say times have changed a bit since then. Staying out until 12.30 is too late leaving a 13 year old in my opinion. And 10 pounds is super stingy so YANBU.

I was a 13 year old in the 2000s and babysit for several families including small babies and so did lots of my friends. I doubt many 13 year olds do it now though. I certainly wouldn’t hire someone that young.

When I was a child my babysitters were the local 16-19 year olds. By the time I had children I can’t think of anyone using child babysitters or frankly babysitters that are not adult family/friends.

I also remember riding in the boot with a swingset certainly wouldn’t be letting my children do that either.

It was his weekend to spend time with his DD, foisting her half siblings on her with no notice and for FIVE hours is completely unreasonable. I mean, how used is that going to make a hormonal 13 yr old feel? She already doesn’t see him as often as she should because of “work”and when she does see him she all of a sudden is just cheap labour?

He owes her £70 by my calculation. Fucking cheek to go out on a date the night his daughter is there to see him.

They are family but it is not the responsibility of a 13 year old to mind siblings while parents are at the pub. Offering a tenner for minding 2 small children until after midnight is taking advantage.

I'm sorry, I can't believe people are stating that this is okay. A two year old being looked after a 13 year old? That is very irresponsible.