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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling used.

26 replies

4seasons · 16/12/2024 00:35

I have a friend ( well I’m not sure about calling her a friend really ) who I haven’t heard from for a year. It always seemed that it was me instigating contact and organising coffee dates etc.She would always be so busy meeting others that I felt as though she had a “ window” of time that could be allocated to me ! I got tired of this so stopped the contact. Perhaps unsurprisingly she didn’t then contact me. All good , I just thought that some friends come and go at different phases of our lives. We are both retired now so have spare time. Also , due to an accident she can no longer drive. We belong to a Wattsapp group which people occasionally message on to arrange events. Twice now when an event has been mentioned she has been very enthusiastic and said she definitely wanted to attend. This has happened again today.I know that she will probably contact me and expect to be picked up and taken home afterwards …. adding about an hour to our journey. It makes me feel used but also guilty that I feel resentful. It’s worse because the others in the group will think I’m being unkind … most of them (although not all ) live further away from her than I do.
I know she’s finally going to contact me because she wants something from me. I have been going through our interactions over the years in my head today and realised that the acts of friendship have been very one way. Am I being unreasonable to ignore the texts/ calls which are bound to come eventually ? I feel sorry for her in that she can’t drive any more but she has always made a point of telling us how many good friends she has and goes on trips , holidays etc. Why can’t one of these “ friends “ take / fetch her ?
I suppose I feel guilty because she’s had health issues which have restricted her life and we ( me and DH) have given quite a lot of support until a year ago. To be honest I haven’t missed her company at all.
Ok … I’m prepared to be told I’m a selfish so and so. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 16/12/2024 00:46

If it was me, I’d ignore the texts and if she asks directly just say no, it’s not convenient, end of. I’d be polite if she attends the events themselves but it sounds like she’s a bit of a CF who is only contacting you if she wants something, and I wouldn’t be entertaining that!

stonebrambleboy · 16/12/2024 00:47

So some of the group live nearer to her than you? If that's the case I wouldn't feel guilty about refusing.

healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 01:02

Can you say on the chat that you might be a few minutes late because you're doing something really important beforehand and so you'll have to race there? Make sure that it's from a completely different direction. Then say you might have to leave a few minutes early because you have to do something else that's also in a completely different direction to her house. She can't really ask then but if she does you can just show her what you've written.

Original poster
4seasons · 16/12/2024 01:08

@healthybychristmas …. I’m going to use this .. or a version of it ! Brilliant idea . Thanks.

OP posts:
ChellyT · 16/12/2024 01:12

You deserve to be treated better.

Apologise that you won't be able to give a lift and leave it at that. If she wants details I would just blank her messages. You do not owe anyone details, though if you must let them know you have a book/tv series or baking that needs your attention.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas 🌸

Nutsabouttopic · 16/12/2024 01:55

I had a "friend" similar to this. Always me driving, babysitting or arranging outings. Copped on a few years ago and stopped communicating with her. Met her at an event over the summer. My family were with me. Chatted for about ten minutes. In the car on the way home DH and DC had bets on how long before she would contact me with a request. It took three days. I simply said no that didn't suit me and left it. She tried again but I ignored and didn't answer.

Original poster
4seasons · 17/12/2024 23:38

Well , as expected I’ve had a couple of texts saying she hopes I’m ok and looking forward to Xmas and “ we must go for coffee soon “. This will be the precursor to asking for lifts I am sure . I have left the texts on “ unread “ so I’m sure a telephone call will follow. I’m not sure why this has made me so angry. I just want her to go away and leave me alone and get on with her own life. I have checked with the rest of the people in the Wattsapp group and they haven’t heard from her for months either apart from one friend who says she’s had a couple of vague messages about going for lunch … which never comes to fruition. It’s as if we have to be kept on the back burner in case she can make use of us ! I am giving too much headspace to this woman and am determined I will not give in again !

OP posts:
redastherose · 17/12/2024 23:54

Some people are natural users, you only ever hear from them when they want something from you and are never there if you need anything. Such people do not actually have friends they have useful acquaintances.

Try and remember that, ignore her phone calls, ideally block her number. And if she messages directly to ask for a lift just say 'unfortunately I can't' don't explain why, you don't owe her an explanation.

SandieWooz · 20/12/2024 11:42

Ignore her messages, but if you do make contact, tell her you haven’t got use of the car that night. Don’t let people use you.

MrsLeonFarrell · 20/12/2024 11:47

I wouldn't come with excuses. In my experience the only answer that stops people like this is simple No. Any excuse will be discussed and examined and picked away at until you give in. If she asks straight out, No.

1989whome · 20/12/2024 11:55

No sorry, I'm not willing to drive out of my way. If she asks why a simple "coz I don't want to" will do it. That should be it really. She knows what she's done, she knows that she uses you. You are allowed to tell her no without feeling guilty.

lionloaf · 20/12/2024 12:17

“Doesn’t suit, sorry.”

You can’t complain about being used for lifts if you agree to give them! It’s on you to say no.

WhatUSeeIsWhatUGet · 20/12/2024 12:21

healthybychristmas · 16/12/2024 01:02

Can you say on the chat that you might be a few minutes late because you're doing something really important beforehand and so you'll have to race there? Make sure that it's from a completely different direction. Then say you might have to leave a few minutes early because you have to do something else that's also in a completely different direction to her house. She can't really ask then but if she does you can just show her what you've written.

Yep, brilliant tactic (I've used it quite a few times myself: very effective 👍😉)

YippyKiYay · 20/12/2024 12:32

I used to feel bad for saying No, I feel now that I can put myself first a bit more. It's so easy to get worn down helping everyone else, you need to choose wisely who needs help and who is using you. If she's using you when she needs something and dumping you when you're not useful then she has chosen the status of your 'friendship' - so it's not your fault.
I now just say "no thank you!" in a cheerful voice when I'm asked for a favour from a not-really-friend. As if they've offered me something and I'm politely declining. So much easier than making excuses or explaining anything. And it throws them off kilter because it's not what they were expecting you to say. They have no comeback.
Eg "can you pick me up on your way?"
"No thank you!" - cheery singsong voice
"....." - no comeback

Petrasings · 20/12/2024 13:25

Get ahead of it right now before she does:

’A coffee sounds great, all good here. I am afraid I can’t offer a lift to x and I am busy that day. See you there x’

Don’t wait for the inevitable like a sitting duck. Take charge and if she presses about a lift home ignore any subsequent messages. You have replied, remained polite and left it in a nice way should she actually turn up.
I wouldn’t be driving an hour out of my way for anyone other than a very good friend!

IamnotSethRogan · 20/12/2024 13:55

Yeah don't go into any detail if she's asks just say you can't and you're sorry/ looking forward to seeing here there

NoEnemiesManyPatios · 20/12/2024 14:54

The cheery "No" reminds me of my old English teacher in secondary. If he wanted/needed to say No, it would be a cheery breezy "No, but thanks for asking!"

Sir, may I go to the loo?
No, but thanks for asking!

Sir, can we skip the rest of this assignment?
No, but thanks for asking!

🤣

Enough4me · 20/12/2024 15:02

OP it's not just you, I've been used and felt so daft afterwards. I was passing on children's clothes and my 'friend' was grateful to receive them for her child, but was never free to meet me so her DH collected them. I wouldn't have minded but she started to contact me in advance to ask about the clothes (I saw your DS on FB, let me know when he's outgrown that top). She said I'd saved her lots of money (she is well off, I was single with 2DCs) but she never even offered a token gesture of appreciation.
A family member had a boy so I started to pass them that way - I didn't hear from her again!

Mary46 · 20/12/2024 15:34

Op I hate users too. My cousin texted for my dd exam points had been zero contact in a year..! Yes you could say look forw seeing you at the venue. Hard when we put on the spot ha

Fireworknight · 20/12/2024 15:37

Is that adding an hour each way? If so, that’s alot . Would be different if it were a 15 minute detour.

You feel used because you probably are!

Original poster
4seasons · 20/12/2024 17:16

The more responses I read the more I realise how many CFs there are in the world. Your replies have made me determined not to be “used “ this time . The event we are all due to go to is in January so plenty of time to harden my heart.
The same “ friend “ once arrived at my door a few years ago just before Xmas. She handed me half a dozen Xmas cards to deliver to mutual friends as she said I was more likely to see them before she was !! Before anyone points it out , I know I was a mug … but I was too taken aback to refuse. There have been lots of incidents like this but everyone else always seems to think she’s great …. although I notice they haven’t been in contact for months. I think I was always the sort of “ go - between “ and now I’ve withdrawn that service relationships have stopped. I suppose that tells me that I am too soft in the head !!

OP posts:
Enough4me · 20/12/2024 19:35

OP being 'soft' can be taken as being friendly and nothing wrong there. I'd rather start soft and then walk away if the other person doesn't value me or my time.
I hope you go to the event and have a good time, I'd avoid her while there and give your attention to genuine people.

Serene135 · 20/12/2024 19:51

Sometimes people have got friends who they value and care about, and others who they only contact when they want something. It’s not kind at all. If you haven’t spoken to her in a year then she clearly does not care about you so don’t go out of your way to give her a lift. I think the suggestion from healthybychristmas is* perfect. *

VividLilac · 20/12/2024 20:57

First post. All opinions gratefully received. Where to start! I have a cousin (Claire) who has unfortunately, found herself alone and in ill health. Claire’s mum and dad emigrated to Canada before I was born and had 2 children (my cousins, Claire and her sister Christine). They 10+ years older than me, I rarely saw them except for visits to UK every 2/3 years. We didn’t really keep in touch, in the days before e-mail/skype etc. They did however, send gifts at Christmas (gifts treasured by me as money was tight for my family). Claire moved back to the UK some time ago and married. I visited them very occasionally (she never returned the visit) and I would see them at the rare family functions eg funeral etc. Claire did not work and lived off benefits since returning to the UK. Her husband died and she is alone and in ill health (she mentioned having carers in her home but did not go into any other detail as we are not that close). She recently asked me if she can put me down as her next of kin. Christine, is alive and still living in Canada. I innocently questioned this request as surely Christine is her next of kin. I did offer to ge her ‘in case of emergency’. I now feel terrible as I think I am all she has. I work, have my own family and children and live a few hours drive from Claire. Am I a terrible person for not wanting this burden?

SandieWooz · 20/12/2024 22:14

You need to ask her why she wants you as Next of Kin.
It could be, she wants to name you as you are her only relative in the UK?

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