To feel so fed up of struggling as a single mum

[mum10103]

I am just so fed up of struggling - mainly financially. Despite working whilst juggling the kids I still just about get by which I know I should be grateful for and we have a roof over our heads. I think this time of year the pressure is really on, I am fed up of seeing family's going on nice Christmassy days out, holidays etc and frustrated at not being able to do the same. I am struggling to get presents, various school and club collections which I haven't managed to put into this year, I work so hard, in a school and then have 4 cleaning jobs I do round this to boost my income, with the rising cost of living I can barely keep up. I took the kids out to our local town today with family, we went ice skating which was lovely its the only festive treat they've had and was paid for by a family member who sends money each Xmas and I put a bit towards it. I couldn't afford to buy them dinner there as a burger was nearly £10 each and hot chocolate £4ish so they shared some chips for dinner and I'd brought some snacks and drinks from home. I couldn't afford for them to go on any rides like the rest of the family so we just watched the others. I just felt so down keep telling them no, they do understand but it just feels so rubbish not being able to treat them. I literally cried on the way home as I just feel like I'm failing them despite my best efforts.

Oh I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, you are doing the best you can and that is more than enough! I do think everything seems to be so expensive now, trips to see Santa, pantomime, Christmas markets etc it all adds up so quickly!

I wouldn't have eaten dinner there or gone on any rides either. I'm also on team snacks from home. We try to do free stuff. Various local museums put on Christmas themed things. Half a day in the woods collecting holly etc. to make a wreath, baking and decorating the Cristmas cake, Christmas movies at home, Christmas tree display and carols at the local church.......

I hear you i hate this time of year! I end up on rationed budget of a few pounds a day November/ December to buy all the required family presents despite having a well paid professional job. I avoid all
Adult Christmas events as I can't afford to go to any so see no friends for ages so loneliness kicks in hars . Its a long 2
Months and i still feel like im failing my DD
Roll on january when all the forced expense is over!

Where do you live? Look up childrens centres and single parent groups in your area. This weekend we were invited to panto, Christmas crafts, a soft play session, and a Christmas gift pickup (parents can pick free gifts for their kids to put under the tree) all free. Look up what is around, there might be more than you think. Good luck

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. However I am sure your children enjoyed the chips and feel loved. Time together is what makes memories imo. And having your own traditions you can do each year. This could just be taking a picture of the kids by the town tree each year. Having a caring hardworking mum means your children have a good role model.

I am just wondering whether the children's father contributes properly. Apologies if you are a widow. If he doesn't, this could be a route to take.

Your children are lucky to have someone who cares and works to support them. I hope you all have a good Christmas.

OP, I’m not struggling but we don’t waste money on buying ridiculously expensive food at Xmas fairs. My kids go ice skating every year and that’s about it. I take snacks from home and I even take hot chocolate in a flask.

Your kids sound fabulous, that they understand and didn’t make a huge deal is a real testament to your good parenting.

Keep going. Something will get easier at some point. And as pp have pointed out, spending time with your kids doing free stuff is just as valuable as doing expensive stuff. A walk with hot chocolate in a thermos, collecting stuff to make a wreath with - memories for life. Or insert any other activity that works for you.

Speaking for experience.

Your kids may have wobbles at some point, but they will understand and be grateful for all you do for them as they get older.

Also, social media? Don’t believe all you see! Those photos are taken between the tears and the tantrums!

There are plenty of free things you can do at home. Spend quality time with your children. Create unique family traditions and make memories. These are the things they’ll remember.

Same here. We went to an evening event last week - a (small) waffle was £7 and a hot chocolate £3. So £20 for my children to have both each. Crazy. I had brought a flask of hot chocolate and gingerbread from home - cost about £4 for ingredients instead!

Thank you everyone, sad to hear I am not alone in this! The children are all a bit old for children centres type activities, 6-14 years old. Their dad doesn't contribute at all and I already have a csa claim open with about £6k of arrears he's built up, he now quit his job to avoid paying. But that's another story. I do have a little family support in that my dad had the kids while I work longer hours a couple of days.

I get it...I am lucky to have a good job but still this time of year is tough, I don't think its just the Financials, DC is pretty easy to please - it's the loneliness you mention. Everyone seems to be having these lovely festive days out so are busy/not available to meet & I can't join any of the adult nights out (if I could afford them) etc as no childcare - people have stopped asking me...but comparison is the thief of joy.
We are safe (from Ex-DH) happy & healthy, sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of that 💐

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling 😢 it really is hard, especially this time of year.

I'm sure your children had a lovely time ice skating ⛸ with you.

I have a friend who is married, both in decent jobs, but with 3 children and all the usual bills, they can't afford to do much either. We usually visit each other's homes so the kids can play - the kids genuinely love it and feel they have done something, but it doesn't cost us anything.

My son is 11 now and still loves a walk on our local bridle path - nothing special, just a walk with me/DH and we take snacks from home. He also loves watching a Christmas film at home, with snacks bought from the supermarket. Playing board games is another favourite.

I know it's a cliche to say kids just value your time, but they really do. I asked him the other day if he wanted to go somewhere Christmas eve but he just wants to be at home.

You sound like a lovely mum who works hard to give your children lots of love and whatever you can afford - in years to come, they will absolutely remember that x

Any suggestions for Christmas free actitivies would be welcomed! I am so overwhelmed I can't really think straight at the moment.

I have managed to get the kids their main xmas presents just stockings and the rest of the family to go! 🙈

We have quite a few nice local parks, we walk or cycle into the local town to save on parking and petrol as that is something I am struggling with at the moment too.

Similar age children here…

Carol services
Walk to gather greenery to decorate the house
Christmas biscuit making and decorating
Movie afternoon/night
Making and writing Christmas cards (we always have a stash of blank white cards)
Challenge each child to find 5/10 toys/books to donate to your nearest charity shop and give them a couple of £s each to buy a present for each other in there too (this is a lot of fun for my children but we do have some great charity shops nearby!)
Planting some bulbs inside for January or Christmas gifts

Please op, try not to think this way. Your kids are very lucky, they have a lovely & loving mum, a roof over their head & are fed. They’ve had a lovely day out & have got Christmas presents. Their loving, stable mum that’s doing her best is all they really need really. I had nothing as a kid but I had my mum & I say this without an ounce of arrogance but I’m a very happy, stable & great adult. You’re doing fine!

Edited to add..I’m a single parent too & In previous years have spoilt my DD & it has the opposite effect.

What you are giving them is a peaceful home. So no screaming arguments or abuse. Single parenting is really hard but it can be better than the possible alternatives.
I've brought mine up on my own although their dad does see them once a month. They have honestly turned out so well and I'm sure yours will too.
Food was always a good thing for us. We cook together, talk about food and what we are going to have/ make. So I would recommend making some Christmassy food together as a not hugely expensive activity. Eg make mince pies or Christmas cookies. Then you could eat them or they could be a gift for your dad or whoever.
Both my teenagers love to cook and it's always been a social/ special thing we do together.
Or drive round and look at the best Christmas lights in your area one evening. If you post on your local Facebook group people will tell you where they are.
If you want to do something just for the kids that doesn't cost much sleepovers/ having friends are always good ones. Couple of pizzas from Asda and that's an evenings entertainment.
I think most people get overwhelmed in December by having too much on. The theatre etc is lovely but not if you are already stressed out/ under the weather/ tired etc. sometimes a day at home in dressing gowns watching a Christmas film is nicer. Negotiate with the kids for one evening that each of them can choose a film to watch (then they can do whatever they want but you want to see them for a couple of hours).
Get one child to help you wrap the presents for the other one. Christmas music on and you can have a chat with that child one on one. Then swap.
I think it sounds like you are doing a great job and actually with kids doing your best is fine. You don't need to do an incredible job with everything perfect for kids to turn out well and be happy.

Yes love the idea of a previous poster to get each child to have a clear out of stuff then take it to charity to make way for new things but also to remind them that some people don't have anything.

We've already sold some of their toys but I have had to use that to fund the new ones if that makes sense?

I did have my daughters friend round for a couple of hours this weekend but I couldn't have her to stay for for dinner as they were meant to be at their dads but he cancelled last minute and so I had no food in and they literally had to have scrambled eggs on toast and I had only enough slices of bread for my children to have one each. That's the kind of things I'm embarrassed of and how I'm struggling. Again cooking is fun and we do sometimes but cooking ingredients are expensive it's not something we can do all the time.

Someone upthread suggested planting bulbs for an activity . We’ve done this - old cans, decorated (and no sharp edges!), and they make great gifts too, so multi purpose. Some bulbs are half price at the moment.

Have sent u a PM XX

Some ideas:

Paper chains- can make using any old unwanted paper- eg magazines, newspapers, old school work etc
Christmas centrepiece - eg out of Lego, garden foliage, boxes etc
Name tags for the table

Activities

Carols- nearby church
Christmas lights
Winter walk- treasure hunt? (Eg make a sheet up and say... Shiniest pebble, something purple ..etc) They could maybe bring a friend?

For giving out presents on Christmas morning, could do via a hunt with clues... This way unwrapping takes longer so don't need to buy as many presents....

DD is 26 so those days are long gone but are still etched in my memory. Unfourtantely days out just become expensive - transport, entry ticket, it ends up food / drinks. For the two of us it could end up being the best part of £20, and this was 10-20 years ago. I dread to think of what it costs these days. At Christmas, I use to take her to Santa's grotto and ice skating but nothing more than that. In summer hols, DD got to chose one paid activity per week (e.g movies, swimming etc).

The biggest mum guilt moments were when I couldnt afford to take DD out for her birthday tea before payday, I always made lasagne at home and chocolate cake, and all these years later she always talks about how wonderful her birthday lasagnes were (better than her lovely MIL's as well). I guess what I am trying to articulate is that you do not have to spend a lot of money to have fun.

Have you spoken to your ex's parents about him not contributing?

I don’t know if this helps, but I am now telling the DC before these events that we won’t be buying any food / drink / tokens etc as they are overpriced. Easier when it is agreed beforehand IMO.
Instead we take snacks and we also decide on something else we could treat ourselves to for a fraction of the price (yesterday it was hot chocolates at home with mini marshmallow as the even we went to had a marshmallow fire pit).

This was me a few years ago. It's hard, very hard. I hope you are reading this in time to NOT buy anyone but your kids anything. Take the pressure off yourself and send texts saying " sorry for late notice but I'm not in a position ATM to buy gifts for you all, and am using my very limited funds towards Charlie and Lola I hope you understand?"
Do not feel embarrassed, you are working your ass off to provide for your family.
The weather makes finding activities that are free difficult in winter.
I also had an ex who keep changing jobs to avoid maintainence, they are unbelievable.
Try to enjoy your Christmas, I can 100% assure you your kids will know when they are older who was there for them and made sacrifices and who wasn't. 💕