To feel so fed up of struggling as a single mum

[mum10103]

I am just so fed up of struggling - mainly financially. Despite working whilst juggling the kids I still just about get by which I know I should be grateful for and we have a roof over our heads. I think this time of year the pressure is really on, I am fed up of seeing family's going on nice Christmassy days out, holidays etc and frustrated at not being able to do the same. I am struggling to get presents, various school and club collections which I haven't managed to put into this year, I work so hard, in a school and then have 4 cleaning jobs I do round this to boost my income, with the rising cost of living I can barely keep up. I took the kids out to our local town today with family, we went ice skating which was lovely its the only festive treat they've had and was paid for by a family member who sends money each Xmas and I put a bit towards it. I couldn't afford to buy them dinner there as a burger was nearly £10 each and hot chocolate £4ish so they shared some chips for dinner and I'd brought some snacks and drinks from home. I couldn't afford for them to go on any rides like the rest of the family so we just watched the others. I just felt so down keep telling them no, they do understand but it just feels so rubbish not being able to treat them. I literally cried on the way home as I just feel like I'm failing them despite my best efforts.

Agreed. I’m in the same position and only buying my kids presents, nobody else.

You can still take him to small claims to get him to pay.
Sorry you’re having such a hard time OP.

I always got mine to throw parties with their friends and ask their friends to bring a contribution.

this worked perfectly right though late primary up to end of college!

I was so broke when they were little, so this was a few hours absolute chaos (and a few hours free childcare for the other grateful parents) and never cost me a penny and they were a lot of fun!

all their mates would arrive with bottles of pop or bags of crisps or whatever and I would put a couple of pizzas in and hide in the kitchen or later, upstairs. Then just had to tidy up later.

they’d then also get lots of invites back. I’d do them in school holidays and seasonal events and that meant I knew all the kids and parents and they would invite mine to a lot of things too.

thats what kept my girls non stop entertained and so many happy memories and photos. We didn’t even have loads of space then, so we just made it work.

Know this is worst nightmare for a lot of people but for me it was a lifesaver

I think it's a bit mean of your family sending their kids on rides whilst yours watch from the sidelines . I'd have paid for yours aswell , it doesn't take a genius to realise funds may be hard for a single parent but always know you're doing your best .

Any suggestions for Christmas free actitivies would be welcomed! I am so overwhelmed I can't really think straight at the moment.

You're spanning a tricky age gap where stuff the younger one would like the older won’t be interested in.

My DD13 has taken over elf on the shelf - she loves an elf and I stopped thinking my two were too old but each morning I find the elf has been up to some nonsense in the night. Might your 14 year old do that for your 6 year old?

I set up a family games night - various board games, pizza, snacks and hot chocolate in Christmas mugs. We get a new board game each year as a family Christmas present.

We also have a pj day/movie marathon - make beds up in the living room, easy party food for lunch/dinner, popcorn (easy and very cheap to make your own) and watch a multi movie series like Marvel or Star Wars. I make mulled apple juice (mulled cider for me) and it feels both chilled and a bit festive with Christmas lights and candles.

I also use Tesco vouchers for a cinema trip, and I always take drinks and snacks from home.

We have a lot of craft materials in the house so I’ll set up a crafting station with card (old Amazon packaging), glue, glitter etc for them to make Santa stop here signs etc.

We do go into town to see the lights and Christmas market. I give the kids £10 each to spend as they choose on rides or whatever and take drinks and snacks from home. Nothing focuses their minds on how overpriced things are when they see how little they can get for their money. My DS has been know to keep his money because “we have hot chocolate at home”.

I know it’s very hard when you see other people doing things you couldn’t afford/justify but most people need to make choices about how they spend whatever money they have, and I absolutely refuse to pay overinflated Christmas prices for stuff I can do easily and more nicely at home. You are working your arse off to provide for your kids, they will grow to appreciate that - which doesn’t help now but you sound incredible.

What do you think they should do?

Hi, I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. Single parenting is so, so hard at times. Sending solidarity and peace your way..

@MarchInHappiness a birthday lasagne sounds right up my street! What a lovely tradition!

@s3tut0y3r
yes his parents are aware, they actually do not speak to him due to this and various other reasons. They do help with the kids, they pay for the eldest twos phone contracts which is a massive help, they will buy a few bits for school at the start of term and odd bits and bobs where they can and they see them most weeks and have a good relationship with the kids now so I cannot fault them.

@Eyerollexpert
I’m sorry you had to go through that, I know it’s not the be all and end all and do try to tell myself we are much more fortunate than most but it does just get to me sometimes like last night. I think the fact that the last few weeks I’ve also been so busy juggling everything, work, school clubs - the kids are lucky to be able to do these so we do have some fun stuff - it’s just the extras for this that stretch me like the Xmas parties and two of them needed outfits - one needed a suit (he just had to go in school uniform and I brought a cheap tie) and another needed to be an elf, I haven’t don’t Xmas jumper days as I just cannot afford that same with matching pjs etc!

@theeyeofdoe
it’s a bit more complicated than that, for reasons I don’t want to put on here as I think people will link to my other threads and usernames but he wouldn’t be required to pay for the situation he’s currently in. He is a very manipulative man it turns out and since we’ve split he’s just been vile on every account - hence why even his own family now won’t speak to him.

@Happytoday45
we do do a lot of play dates tbh I find that’s the thing my children also enjoy the most! I actually a couple of years back before I was so broke managed to convert the garage into a little den and found a sofa,old console, desk etc on local Facebook for free so in the summer the teens have a place to hang out and be as loud as they want (it’s not connected the the house!) I like the idea of asking friends to bring a contribution! I never even thought of that but I think if I hosted the other parents would happily do that to avoid the mess! I quite like the kids having their friends round I like knowing who they are hanging out with a knowing they have a safe space to come and just muck around, they are all generally well behaved and polite!

@hattie43 family did pay for a token each for mine to be fair but theirs had the bands so they could just keep going on. It would have cost £100 to buy 4 bands so I would never of expected them to do this, one of the other members is also a single mum so I know she struggles with things like this too but hers didn’t ice skate hence why they got the bands. Mine wanted to skate but were not so fussed for the rides - we had spoken about it beforehand, they knew not to keep asking and that I had a £20 budget, I thought I’d get a bit more for that though, I thought I’d be able to buy them an item of food each.

@Jellycatspyjamas yes my big two already help with the elf! They are more creative than me, my daughters friends have also come up with ideas over FaceTime they all plot it together once little one is in bed!

Thanks everyone for your great ideas! We have a woods locally that is full of holly! I might cycle over with the kids and collect some bits to make some wreaths, that would be really fun and I have wanted to do that. I am sure we could cut some cardboard circles out and we have a hot glue gun to stick it (my daughter’s favourite thing!) Would we not get in trouble if we cut stuff from the trees though?

We’ve done some film nights that always goes down well and I make a little diy pick and mix with cheap supermarket sweets! I have been doing quite well with the foodshop keeping it down as really it’s only dinners we need as school provide lunches where we live.

I'm fortunate enough to be in a position where we can afford all those christmassy things and days out. The reality is that we're all exhausted from work and school and more than happy to stay in and watch a film or play a board game together (especially if it's something christmassy like charades). We spend a lot of time walking the dog together and have been to some free carol concerts. Christmassy events you pay for tend to be extremely busy and tiring tbh. Also, your kids are learning to be happy and content without the next exciting thing. I promise you, that is a great gift to them, much greater than a whirlwind of pricey activities.

I could probably (just about) afford to do some Christmas activities with my kids (I say kid's, they are 18 and 14 so not little) but I work full time and have a few long term health issues along with an injury that should recover.
I do not have the energy at the weekend to traipse around Christmas activities, I have enough on my plate keeping the house ticking over and I'm not even a single parent. My kids will do nothing Christmassy this year except for the day itself and I feel truly awful about it (obviously more for the 14 year old, the 18 year old is more than capable of sorting themself out).
In my book you have done really well to take your kids ice skating and you should be proud that you have treated them to something. Especially considering that their useless father is not contributing.