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Original poster

How to keep everyone happy on Xmas day?

32 replies

DILLEYDALLEY · 15/12/2024 10:35

How do you keep everyone happy at Christmas? Parents separated. One parent lives down the road, one lives about 40 mins away. I have two DC (DS 7, DD 4). I'm a single parent. Both parents single. Usually see one parent Christmas eve and one Christmas day. I don't want to drive 40 mins there and back on Christmas day, like to have a drink with Christmas lunch and easier to go to parents house where we can walk or get a taxi home. Cousin has also asked to see us and I've said no (but they're fine with that!). Parent who lives 40 mins away always upset we don't go there on Christmas day. There is always an invite to mine on Christmas morning but they never accept. They often ask if we can stay Christmas eve to Christmas morning and I always say no because DC should be in their own bed. Have offered to have Christmas lunch at mine then Christmas dinner in evening with nearer parent but they want us to go there. I'm just fed up with the guilt every Christmas. Dauguter has additional needs (behavioiral) and just dont want to do close to 1.5 hours of travel. I do get it seems unfair but I just dread Christmas day plans every year. How do I keep everyone happy?

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 15/12/2024 10:37

No, I agree with you. Once you've had children then the in-laws or parents should travel to you if you invite them.

Original poster
DILLEYDALLEY · 15/12/2024 10:39

healthybychristmas · 15/12/2024 10:37

No, I agree with you. Once you've had children then the in-laws or parents should travel to you if you invite them.

It's just the guilt of still going to other parent's house but it's only because it is close by and we can just wander round.

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 15/12/2024 10:40

You don’t. You stop tying yourself in knots to pacify the one parent who wants things their way without compromise
As long as you see both at some point, they are going to have to accept that an inevitable part of splitting up is that your child has extra households to accommodate over the holidays. You’ve suggested other options which are apparently unacceptable, so there’s no more you can do.

Edit- I would alternate personally though and do the occasional Xmas day with each but that’s just me. Unless the additional needs of your child mean you NEED her to be in her own home overnight I would stay occasionally

oopsupsideyourheadisayoopsupsideypurhead · 15/12/2024 10:41

Stay home and let them visit you.

Rainingandlookslikeitwillneverstop · 15/12/2024 10:42

Impossible to keep everyone happy and do everything on Christmas Day

prioritise your child with special needs and what works for her and your direct (living in your household ) family. Have a C lovely Christmas Day that works for you.

invite adults in wider family to come to you over the Christmas period.

don’t feel guilty .

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 15/12/2024 10:42

Other people are responsible for their own happiness. Opt out of trying to pander to people and make yourself happy.
Your parents can easily figure out how to visit you.

Original poster
DILLEYDALLEY · 15/12/2024 10:43

Rainingandlookslikeitwillneverstop · 15/12/2024 10:42

Impossible to keep everyone happy and do everything on Christmas Day

prioritise your child with special needs and what works for her and your direct (living in your household ) family. Have a C lovely Christmas Day that works for you.

invite adults in wider family to come to you over the Christmas period.

don’t feel guilty .

It's just the obsession with Christmas day. I just like to be close to home. Able to nip home if I forget something. Able to get a taxi home and have a drink (other parent thinks I'm prioritising alcohol over them). It's just so stressful.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 15/12/2024 10:44

You can't, so stop trying.

Stay home and let people come to you.

paranoiaofpufflings · 15/12/2024 10:46

Could the further away parent come to you Christmas Eve and stay over? Then they go home later Christmas Day and you go over to the nearer parent?
Then you get to see both parents (presume you want to!) and you also have some help with the kids too.

RubyRedBow · 15/12/2024 10:47

You can’t so focus on you and your kids happiness.

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/12/2024 10:48

You can’t, and it’s not your job to make everyone happy. Focus on you and your DC and do what works for you all. You don’t need to martyr yourself driving here and there - personally I start the day with Prosecco so any hint of driving just isn’t going to happen. I’m not prioritising alcohol, I’m celebrating and a glass of fizz is part of that.

Original poster
DILLEYDALLEY · 15/12/2024 10:48

We have incompatible pets (I have a cat, they have a dog). Dog is very old and won't do well in kennels.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 15/12/2024 10:48

Guilt is the most pointless emotion.

You are prioritising your DC and you do not have to feel bad about that.

The fact the parent can't see that says a lot about them.

TangerinePlate · 15/12/2024 10:49

So your parent that lives 40 minutes away is not happy unless they get their own way 🤔 otherwise they get upset. This is emotional blackmail.

You either upset your parent or your child.
Adults have choices,kids don’t.

Don’t try to placate your parent upsetting your kids in the process. Spend the Christmas the way you and your kids want.

Parent has a choice to come to you. They choose to stay at their home placing the demands on you instead.

It’s lovely to sit down on your bum in your own home instead of doing all the running. Don’t do the running if you and your kids don’t want to.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/12/2024 10:50

The key point for me is that you've invited the other parent to yours and they won't come, preferring to make some silly point about where you see each of them, so I agree with PPs that you've done what you can and should prioritise the DCs by staying nearer home

Having your own children is the time for new traditions to be built anyway, and if they can't grasp this - or don't want to - I'd forget about "keeping everyone happy" which isn't your job anyway

dreamer24 · 15/12/2024 10:52

How do you keep everyone happy at Christmas?

I don't. I recognise that other adults are responsible for their own happiness and I concentrate on making it magical for my children.

Enterthedragonqueen · 15/12/2024 10:55

Can you meet your cousin for a catch up over the christmas period for example on Boxing day or a few days afterwards? A nice festive walk and a hot chocolate afterwards?

At least you all get out of the house and get some fresh air. You can tell whichever Parent your cousin is related to that you're meeting her for a walk and that they're welcome to join you.

Meet people on your terms only.

BlueRidgeMountain · 15/12/2024 10:56

You tell them you’re not prioritising alcohol over them, you’re prioritising your child. Do what’s best for them. Since having our DS2 we’ve spent every Christmas at home. He is autistic and struggles to cope with too much excitement and shuttling about to crowded and chaotic family gatherings, so we don’t do it. Yes family have been upset, critical, whatever, but I will always put his needs above adults in the family who simply want things their own way. They are welcome to visit - most don’t which is ironic since they tried the guilt tripping “family have to be together at Christmas” when we said we’d be bowing out 🙄. I’m not having DS2 so overwrought he has a meltdown over someone else’s idea of what Christmas should be.

Enterthedragonqueen · 15/12/2024 11:08

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/christmas-resources

These resources might help with managing your dd's behaviour over Christmas

mbosnz · 15/12/2024 11:09

After the last Christmas we spent travelling pretty much the length of NZ, only to be pretty much taken for granted by family once we were there to make up the numbers and do the donkey work, with two over tired and overwrought little ones, we put the kaibosh on ever doing that again. (I got a speeding ticket on the way home, the copper was very sympathetic when he found out the story, lol). After that, I said that we were staying home and doing Christmas our way, and anyone who wished to join us was welcome.

There were dark mutterings, but these were ignored.

They were given the choice and the power to spend Christmas with us, and the responsibility for making it happen if they wished to do so.

After that, my daughters loved our relaxed Christmases at home, loved sharing it with family if they came, and not if they didn't, and we all lived happily ever after(ish). . .

WhatNoRaisins · 15/12/2024 11:10

I agree, prioritise the children here.

mitogoshigg · 15/12/2024 11:19

Couldn't you go for breakfast every other year and have a late lunch/ dinner at other parent. Seems unfair to refuse to visit due to geography ever

Rainbow1901 · 15/12/2024 11:19

You prioritise you and your children first. Make your plans around that and them and your tell parents that they are invited (or not) as the case maybe. You say both parents are single but that isn't your problem - you invite both and if they join you - they leave their issues at the front door on the way in and pick them up on their way out. Tell them you are planning on having a drink or two so driving is not an option under any circumstances until at least Boxing Day. Don't be guilt tripped by anyone - their circumstances were created by them not you!

Anewnamejustforthis · 15/12/2024 11:24

Tell everyone that this year you are celebrating ALL of the 12 days of Christmas so which one would they like? Christmas Day is for you, at yours, with the kids, no one else invited!

TammyJones · 15/12/2024 12:13

oopsupsideyourheadisayoopsupsideypurhead · 15/12/2024 10:41

Stay home and let them visit you.

This
As pp said once you've had kid's Christmas Day is a relaxed day playing with presents / eating/ drinking