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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter’s birthday - splitting family

45 replies

Timetellsadifferentstory · 15/12/2024 09:45

Background: STBXH is an arse, narcissistic, emotional and financially abusive to me. Won’t sign divorce papers etc. I’m still living in the same house with him and DD16, twin DS22 final year at university. I spend lots of time at my parents house but can’t move in there with DD until she finishes her GCSEs. All children know and support that I am leaving STBXH.

DD birthday on 29th December. The two of us are going shopping for the day. STBXH has said he wants to take kids to pub quiz that night. DD has been before and doesn’t drink alcohol so I’ve no problem her going.

My issue, I think the expectation is for me to cook a nice family meal and birthday cake for everyone after a day’s shopping then everyone go out.

AIBU to drop my daughter off then go to my parents for the evening without cooking a meal.

OP posts:
VacuumPacked · 15/12/2024 09:49

you shop and have a meal out with your daughter, return home when you are both ready, all shopped out

MojoMoon · 15/12/2024 09:49

Seems potentially a bit sad for your daughter not to have a birthday cake?

Birthday cake and singing of happy birthday for her and her siblings at home. Then leave them all to their evening plans - presume they won't starve at 16 and 22 years old and can feed themselves as needed, including having dinner at pub.

Or is the issue that your husband expects to be fed dinner and will kick off if you don't?

Rainbow1901 · 15/12/2024 09:51

You follow your plans for DDs Birthday by going shopping and having a nice lunch out!! Your familys' expectations don't align with yours so leave them to it - you could provide a cake for everyone but you will have had a nice day with DD and won't need to cook and eat worry about them - they have their plans which don't include you!!

HPandthelastwish · 15/12/2024 09:52

I'd be eating out with DD and not having an evening meal at all. You could grab a cake from the Supermarket so she can have tea and cake with her siblings, but he could also do that.

Pearandgin · 15/12/2024 09:53

You are not being unreasonable. You have to look after yourself and know you already know what is best for you. You have gone through a lot, and you don't owe him anything. Especially pretending that everything is okay and that everybody gets along. This is why you have to have a conversation with your daughter about it. Explain to her that you love her and that you will have many times to have dinner together for her birthday. But you would rather not do it when your soon-to-be ex-husband is there. Hopefully, she has the maturity to understand that and will let you go and do your own thing. It shouldn't be on you to put up with him and pretend that everything is fine. Understand that you have separate arrangements anyway, even though you live under the same roof. Look after yourself because you need to be a strong mum, and this way you set your boundaries.

Original poster
Timetellsadifferentstory · 15/12/2024 09:55

MojoMoon · 15/12/2024 09:49

Seems potentially a bit sad for your daughter not to have a birthday cake?

Birthday cake and singing of happy birthday for her and her siblings at home. Then leave them all to their evening plans - presume they won't starve at 16 and 22 years old and can feed themselves as needed, including having dinner at pub.

Or is the issue that your husband expects to be fed dinner and will kick off if you don't?

This is why I don’t know what to do. If I consider my daughter’s feelings only. She would want a nice meal of her choice and cake.
If I think about me, I don’t want to be buying and cooking fillet steak for a man who I hate and has cheated on me and play a happy family. I know I will break down in tears (probably after they leave).

OP posts:
ManhattanPopcorn · 15/12/2024 09:55

Ask your daughter what she wants. It's her birthday so whatever you do, do it for her, not for him.

LimeYellow · 15/12/2024 09:58

Could you and your DC have the birthday meal and cake at your parents house and then drop her back home?

OrangeSlices998 · 15/12/2024 09:59

I think I’d ask DD what she wants, and take the work out of it for you. Pizza delivered? Another takeaway? Supermarket cake? Just because DD may want dinner at home before going to the pub quiz doesn’t mean you have to cook STBXH a fancy steak meal!

Original poster
Timetellsadifferentstory · 15/12/2024 10:01

LimeYellow · 15/12/2024 09:58

Could you and your DC have the birthday meal and cake at your parents house and then drop her back home?

The travel between shops/home/parents is too difficult for this to be an option. That’s why I’m still in the house with STBXH until GCSEs are done.

OP posts:
Edingril · 15/12/2024 10:01

It is her birthday it is not about you so go with what she wants

Tiswa · 15/12/2024 10:03

What does she want - can yuh have dinner out

when she has finished are yuh selling the house

Original poster
Timetellsadifferentstory · 15/12/2024 10:05

OrangeSlices998 · 15/12/2024 09:59

I think I’d ask DD what she wants, and take the work out of it for you. Pizza delivered? Another takeaway? Supermarket cake? Just because DD may want dinner at home before going to the pub quiz doesn’t mean you have to cook STBXH a fancy steak meal!

I know DD will ask for steak. When it is the three of us at home I do cook for all of us (I know I am a fool but need to keep some peace for DD). However, I don’t cook anything remotely fancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetellsadifferentstory · 15/12/2024 10:09

Tiswa · 15/12/2024 10:03

What does she want - can yuh have dinner out

when she has finished are yuh selling the house

I’m checking to see if AIBU before a conversation with my daughter.
STBXH won’t sell the house until I get a court order and then he will make it hard to market. That’s a post for later!

OP posts:
RB68 · 15/12/2024 10:13

I dont think you are unreasonable if you let him know in advance you have arranged to be at parents and he is responsible for tea and cake etc

Original poster
Timetellsadifferentstory · 15/12/2024 10:14

Edingril · 15/12/2024 10:01

It is her birthday it is not about you so go with what she wants

She wants to go shopping with me. I am doing that.

AIBU to think STBXH can take over if I drop DD off at home. I can then go to my parents.

Everything needs to be arranged in advance so everyone knows what they are doing and what is happening and there’s no uncomfortable surprises.

OP posts:
PlanningTowns · 15/12/2024 10:14

Why not find somewhere to have steak out whilst shopping at lunchtime? Or a lovely afternoon teal with cake and sing happy birthday to her? Make it special for the two of you.

AelinAG · 15/12/2024 10:17

Take her to a steakhouse for lunch when you’re out shopping and get them to bring a birthday cake out for her. Invite your older DC to the lunch meal, if not the whole day shopping. If they need a taxi to get them there, pay for it. Then when you’re done shopping, drop her off and head to your parents.

Your DD is going to need to learn at some point that her birthdays will be separate in the future, now is as good a time as any. You are already making a big sacrifice for her staying in the house and keeping her commute minimal.

Neverenoughbooksorcats · 15/12/2024 10:18

Well, you're staying there for your daughter for the next 5 months so there's not much difference between that and making her birthday how she wants it? That exdh benefits is entirely beside the point if the point is your daughter.

Could you send the kids have lunch out while you're shopping? Then return her home for the evening with exdh and then you go out?

If he's that bad, I'm not sure you're going to last until the end of may - this has to be damaging for DD?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/12/2024 10:20

You guys your daughter lunch in the day, he either cooks while you're out or buys dinner in the pub
Tell everyone in the family group chat that you'll be off soon after you drop her back
If he disappoints her that's on him and he can live with the consequences (of her no longer wanting to do bday evenings with him)

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2024 10:21

Timetellsadifferentstory · 15/12/2024 10:05

I know DD will ask for steak. When it is the three of us at home I do cook for all of us (I know I am a fool but need to keep some peace for DD). However, I don’t cook anything remotely fancy.

Show quote history

When you cook for all three of you, does your ex-DH split the cost or are you paying for everything out of your own money?

Your DD is 16, not a small child, so surely she would understand if you just cooked for the 2 of you and not her father. His reactions to this are not your responsibility. He suffers no consequences for his abusive actions and the burden of being the bigger person is all on you. This isn't fair and your daughter is old enough to understand this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/12/2024 10:21

I'd definitely buy her steak out

Onabench · 15/12/2024 10:24

I'd cook the food. I can't imagine how much resilience it must take to grin through a family meal with an ex in your circumstances but my child's birthday would trump that. The disappointment she will feel returning home and you're not there....
She is 16, if you talk to her she will probably tell you to go, it's fine and that she understands. I would have at that age. It doesn't make it the right thing to do. It is probably the last birthday she will get to spend as a family so push through IMO

Original poster
Timetellsadifferentstory · 15/12/2024 10:29

Neverenoughbooksorcats · 15/12/2024 10:18

Well, you're staying there for your daughter for the next 5 months so there's not much difference between that and making her birthday how she wants it? That exdh benefits is entirely beside the point if the point is your daughter.

Could you send the kids have lunch out while you're shopping? Then return her home for the evening with exdh and then you go out?

If he's that bad, I'm not sure you're going to last until the end of may - this has to be damaging for DD?

I’m trying to consider my feelings as well. I hate him and I can’t be in the house alone with him because I don’t feel safe. I’m off work for nearly two weeks over Christmas. I have been sleeping in DSs bedroom but they’re coming home next week from university.
The whole situation is damaging for my DD but I don’t have many options. It’s damage limitation for BOTH me and DD. The twins are removed from the situation.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/12/2024 10:30

Have you got a Miller and Carter or similar steakhouse? Take her for lunch for steak, end of dilemma. Stop angsting over it and stop doing anything for idiot stbxh.