Daughter’s birthday - splitting family

[Timetellsadifferentstory]

Background: STBXH is an arse, narcissistic, emotional and financially abusive to me. Won’t sign divorce papers etc. I’m still living in the same house with him and DD16, twin DS22 final year at university. I spend lots of time at my parents house but can’t move in there with DD until she finishes her GCSEs. All children know and support that I am leaving STBXH.

DD birthday on 29th December. The two of us are going shopping for the day. STBXH has said he wants to take kids to pub quiz that night. DD has been before and doesn’t drink alcohol so I’ve no problem her going.

My issue, I think the expectation is for me to cook a nice family meal and birthday cake for everyone after a day’s shopping then everyone go out.

AIBU to drop my daughter off then go to my parents for the evening without cooking a meal.

When you cook for all three of you, does your ex-DH split the cost or are you paying for everything out of your own?

Im paying for everything in the house. That’s another very complicated thread!

Take her out for a steak lunch and do a cake. Then drop her with ex to spend time with him.

DD is old enough to see what her father is like. I would talk to her about it BUT there would be no way I'd be going for him! I would hope the shopping trip and buying her lunch out during trip (can be steak if that's her favourite) would be lovely! I'd also get them to put candles in her pudding and sing! You can then pass her over to her dad for the evening. Alternatively, when you drop her home - can you go in and do her cake all together before leaving them to it?

there is a huge assumption of the stbxh’s reasonableness and civility on here
when there is an undercurrent of anxiety from the OP

OP, you could ‘wait and see’ you have a couple of weeks yet, the twins may have other ideas, not want to go to the pub, your stbxh may have other plans by then, change his mind flu may hinder plans who knows what could happen, stay aloof, everything will sort itself out, make sure you are eating properly and do not underestimate the value of rest.

Your daughter will have her birthday come what may, a young lady, a lovely age

In a practically same situation myself years ago, a very grim Christmas, situation
only alleviated when daughter (16) and I left, after son returned to Uni - the feeling
of liberation was wonderful, then sorted out finances, this in a foreign country too.
Hope is on the horizon always, good luck

Thank you 🤩 You’ve assessed the situation accurately.

STBXH is not a reasonable person. The split is very difficult but I have had great support in from friends, family and on here. I have NC for this post because I wanted it to be about my DD birthday and AIBU not about the divorce.

Steak lunch, buy a cake before, do cake when you get back, then leave.

I think you and your daughter go to a steakhouse.

As for the poster saying it's dds birthday do what she wants - she's not bloody 5 is she I'm sure she has the emotional maturity not to want her mum to suffer. Meal out sounds like it could be nice for both of you

Go to a restaurant that serves steak for lunch.

Buy a birthday cake and do that the minute you get home.

Just to stbxh that you are going straight to your parents when you've dropped dd off. It's reasonable that he knows your plans so tve evening doesn't fall into disarray.

@Timetellsadifferentstory do the kids know that he cheated??? I wouldnt be cooking him anything again! no more playing happy families! and you do not need his consent to divorce!! the divorce laws changed in april 2022!!

Fuck that! OP is a person too, she matters.

YANBU. Special birthday lunch with cheesecake pudding with a candle or afternoon tea out with gorgeous mini cakes z. A real treat ! Drop her home with STBXH and up to him how he celebrates with her.
btW I always think that it stands for stupid bastard ex- husband when I see it

🤣 I love the Stupid Bastard Ex Husband and I really wish he was Ex rather than this situation!

He needs to acknowledge that he has received the application for divorce.

@Timetellsadifferentstory Apply for deemed serviceYou can request a deemed service from the Court if you are confident that your ex-partner has received the application for divorce and is simply ignoring it. In this process, you request that the Court accepts the ex-partner has acquired the papers, despite their lack of acknowledgement. to do this In England, if your spouse doesn't respond to your divorce application, you can ask the court to "deem service":

1. File a D11 application

You can file a D11 application to request a court order that your spouse has received the divorce application, even if they haven't acknowledged it.

1. Provide evidence

You'll need to provide evidence that your spouse has received the application, such as a text message or email. even if it means sending it signed for and you collecting it from PO and leaving it for him on hall table. that should also be acceptable. to do this a pic of the slip from post office and a pic of the received envelope should be sufficient/

the above is for english court, in scotland you would just ask a sheriff officer to serve it personally and he would give you a signed execution of service

I think if you cook for the three of you generally then NOT doing so on your daughter’s birthday seems a bit pointless and hurtful to her. Is it because it’s nice food and you don’t want him to have anything nice? I do get that but you don’t want your daughter to look back and think my parents made my birthday all about their divorce. It’s only a bit of meat who cares. Or take her out for dinner yourself at the end of your shopping trip (you can get good deals in the early evening) and then drop her home.

So he cheated, is still living in the family home -not paying for anything and your wondering if you should cook steak for him? No. Either have steak for lunch when you go out shopping or just make steak for you and dd in the evening. He’s an arsehole and you shouldn’t be expected to pander to him for anyone’s sake. The separation is happening. Things are not going to be the same and dcs may as well learn that now .

Surely this is about DD.
This isn’t about you and your ex.

It’s nice that she gets to have a meal and cake with her family.

I would completely understand it if you and the ex didn’t live together and then you’d do completely separate things but it seems mean to not do this for your DD and her DB because you don’t want your ex enjoying the food you’ve cooked.

I personally couldn’t not do this for my DD and DS.

I have gone with the 88% of you who say I am not being unreasonable. I have spoken to DD and we are going to have an afternoon tea on our shopping trip. Her birthday is on a Sunday so I can drop her off home for her to have a meal with her Dad and brothers before the quiz. Kids are happy with the arrangement. STBXH is complaining about the cost of taking them out so I suggested he cooks and buys a cake. What he does is on him. He tried to emotionally blackmail me but I need to focus on my own mental health otherwise I will be no use to anyone. I am a shell of the person who I really am when he’s around.

It was his idea to take them to the pub quiz, and now he's complaining as you've agreed? Ignore! Glad you figured out a plan that feels less horrendous and kids are happy with