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Original poster

Ex partner didn't show to see child

30 replies

girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:13

Me and my ex partner have been separated 6 months now. We have a young child (15mo) and I am pregnant with his 2nd child. We found out about the pregnancy a few weeks after we decided to seperate and agreed getting back together for the sake of having a child was never going to fix things.

We've always had a really amicable break up (of course disagreements here and there) but we've worked much better not together.

I moved out and managed to get my own place, and I let him visit every weekend to see the child. We are not yet in a place where he can have the child by himself (he has been known to drink heavily/be hungover/irresponsible - along with multiple driving bans for drink driving and as of recently a speeding ticket so our child is not allowed in his car or in his care alone) - PLEASE NOTE THIS WAS A JOINT DECISION FROM BOTH OF US WHICH HE HAS NEVER CHALLENGED).

We are also in the process of mediation to ensure we have an agreement in place for him to see his child regularly and build a relationship where hopefully in the future he can have the child(ren) solo.

We had arranged for him to come and visit his daughter Saturday and he was due to arrive at mine around 12/1pm. After several phone calls (around 9 in total) and me contacting his family to ask his whereabouts - he contacted me to say he had been out drinking Friday evening, had overslept and was hungover therefore was never going to make our agreed time.

He asked if he could come later in the afternoon, however I declined this as I did not feel it was fair to just turn up when he wanted after being hungover and unreliable.

My question is - if we had an agreement in place via mediation or even a court order, and he didn't turn up because he was hungover, where would I/he stand?

Of course my daughter isn't old enough to understand, but in a few years when she does, I don't think it's fair that I will have to explain to her 'oh sorry daddy hasn't turned up because I can't get hold of him'.

Please note - he often does this where he goes out and becomes unreachable, turns his phone off, disappears for anything from 12-48 hours. I understand we are not together so what he does in his own personal time is not my business, however doing this when we had a private arrangement in place I do not think is fair.

Please let me know any thoughts/opinions.

Right now I am extremely angry and disappointed, and have advised that we wait for things to go through mediation/court so everything is done via the correct channels. This of course means he won't see his child for quite some time.

OP posts:
SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 07:19

He has a time slot if he misses that time slot he misses out. It could probably be written into the mediation plan that there should be some flexibility for eg traffic/genuine emergencies as it's in your child's interest to still let him see them if he's 15 minutes late.

Being hungover would not be an excuse. You can't MAKE him turn up to contact. Say he was only turning up to 1 a month you could then use that should it go to court and he tries to argue for more contact or overnights and you didn't want that.

Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:25

SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 07:19

He has a time slot if he misses that time slot he misses out. It could probably be written into the mediation plan that there should be some flexibility for eg traffic/genuine emergencies as it's in your child's interest to still let him see them if he's 15 minutes late.

Being hungover would not be an excuse. You can't MAKE him turn up to contact. Say he was only turning up to 1 a month you could then use that should it go to court and he tries to argue for more contact or overnights and you didn't want that.

Agreed regarding travel/traffic etc. I've always been really lenient with what times he sees his child on the weekend due to work commitments.

I did offer he see her during the week which he declined, so weekends I let him come and go as he pleases.

However, not turning up because he didn't set an alarm and was hungover I don't think is acceptable.

Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 15/12/2024 07:37

I had one of these. You need boundaries. Agree days and times. If they can't make it they wait u til the next weekend. If they can't make your children a priority then that is on them. My ex dropped out of the childrens lives pretty quickly. And was hit a miss for a while. Now several years later he has started to be a bit more consistent. Time will tell of its a permanent change

Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:40

unicornsarereal72 · 15/12/2024 07:37

I had one of these. You need boundaries. Agree days and times. If they can't make it they wait u til the next weekend. If they can't make your children a priority then that is on them. My ex dropped out of the childrens lives pretty quickly. And was hit a miss for a while. Now several years later he has started to be a bit more consistent. Time will tell of its a permanent change

Agreed on the boundaries. Just hard to put these in place when I've been so flexible.

Thanks for your reply! X

OP posts:
BrooookeDavis · 15/12/2024 07:45

girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:40

Agreed on the boundaries. Just hard to put these in place when I've been so flexible.

Thanks for your reply! X

Show quote history

Unfortunately I don't think a court order will do what you want it to do, which is make him step up. What the order will do is put all of the onus on you to make the children available for contact. He doesn't actually have to turn up. Mediation would be a good idea in the hope he'll buy into the arrangement.

What you could do however at court if it gets there is ask for it to be a condition of contact that he hasn't been drinking. That will give you a bit more protection if things turn nasty - and if he's on his own drinking more then that's something you need to plan for.

Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:49

How would they put a condition in place to not be drinking? Would he have to then be breathalysed or alcohol tested? How would this ever work.

Just to add - because he does drink often and is unreliable when he has been drinking. When we made the arrangement for him to visit Saturday, my only stipulation was that he wasn't hungover Saturday (meaning no drinking Friday). He said he wouldn't be going out as he wanted to be fresh to see his child. He even sent me a photo of him sitting on the sofa watching a film saying he was relaxing getting ready for the following morning and was excited to see her. (Calculated and manipulative now looking back at this).

However, it was only when he called the next day after not turning up he said he ended up going out and got carried away.

So even with a private agreement of asking him not to drink he didn't stick to this.

OP posts:
Dealingwithatrexrightnow · 15/12/2024 07:50

SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 07:19

He has a time slot if he misses that time slot he misses out. It could probably be written into the mediation plan that there should be some flexibility for eg traffic/genuine emergencies as it's in your child's interest to still let him see them if he's 15 minutes late.

Being hungover would not be an excuse. You can't MAKE him turn up to contact. Say he was only turning up to 1 a month you could then use that should it go to court and he tries to argue for more contact or overnights and you didn't want that.

This.

Our court order says I have to make our youngest DC available on x date at x time. If he doesn’t show he does see them until the next contact session.

My ex is better now but when we first had the order he failed to show numerous times and I was left with plans in tatters and a crying child. He would do similar eg child due to Saturday to Saturday with drop off at Tesco at 2 pm and he didn’t show and then ring on Sunday and ask for him. He wasn’t drunk but highly controlling and didn’t like the courts or me telling him what to do.

I did the following:

separate phone so could turn off
make your drop off in a public place
remind 24 hours before by text
have it witnessed eg take a friend with you - they find it harder not to show up and they need to be clean and on time etc
text if they aren’t there - be factual. Eg at Tesco where are you?
wait 15 minutes tops unless they text with a GOOD reason and then leave
text to say you are leaving

text to say the effects on the child and you. Eg I waited and had Emily there at our agreed time and you didn’t show up, this has led to upset from Emily (if old enough) or me being let down and unable to do my plans for the afternoon.

and with the drinking add in…. You also said you didn’t make contact due to drinking and being hungover. This was agreed contact time, please ensure you are sober and not drinking or hungover 12 hours before contact and during contact until after they have been returned.

Take the emotion out unless it is the children’s emotions.

Then state time and date for next contact. Eg the next contact is Saturday at 2 pm.

The court will give men time and time again to come good and ‘learn’ but in my view two no contacts on the trot for at least two drinking related and no good reason (eg flu), I would then text and say no more contact (see below) . Personally I’d like every adult to step up but the courts will then see that you have bent over backwards for him.

No further contact will take place due to no good reason for turning up for contact. You clearly have an alcohol problem and it is not in the best interests of the child to have contact with a father who is drunk or after affects during their contact times, so further contact will not be arranged at this time. Please see your GP for help with any alcohol related issues.

if he then gets in touch insist on a contact centre in the short term.

Unfortunately text is your friend here and write any text knowing it will be read in court.

Dealingwithatrexrightnow · 15/12/2024 07:51

girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:49

How would they put a condition in place to not be drinking? Would he have to then be breathalysed or alcohol tested? How would this ever work.

Just to add - because he does drink often and is unreliable when he has been drinking. When we made the arrangement for him to visit Saturday, my only stipulation was that he wasn't hungover Saturday (meaning no drinking Friday). He said he wouldn't be going out as he wanted to be fresh to see his child. He even sent me a photo of him sitting on the sofa watching a film saying he was relaxing getting ready for the following morning and was excited to see her. (Calculated and manipulative now looking back at this).

However, it was only when he called the next day after not turning up he said he ended up going out and got carried away.

So even with a private agreement of asking him not to drink he didn't stick to this.

The court could arrange for a contact centre and an alcohol test before contact.

Your evidence is the lack of reliability and any police offences etc

But they can and do order alcohol and drug tests.

Dealingwithatrexrightnow · 15/12/2024 07:52

Evidence it all by text

DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 07:52

I wouldn’t be ringing him 9 times, I’d give him 30 minutes incase he’s held up, and then I’d go out. I wouldn’t contact him at all.

Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:53

DustyLee123 · 15/12/2024 07:52

I wouldn’t be ringing him 9 times, I’d give him 30 minutes incase he’s held up, and then I’d go out. I wouldn’t contact him at all.

Agreed I shouldn't have called so many times.

I think I was slightly naive to believe he would show and also hopeful.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:53

Dealingwithatrexrightnow · 15/12/2024 07:52

Evidence it all by text

Will do - thank you

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/12/2024 07:54

I agree that contact by text is best so you have a paper trail. Contact with your child should be contingent on him not being hungover/stinking of booze. I’d introduce a rule that he needs to ring, say, an hour before. Don’t tell your child they’re going to see Dad because you can’t rely on him not to let them down.

Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:55

Wow that is all extremely useful and helpful.

Thank you so much and will definitely take all the above into account.

I think I've been a little bit naive and hopeful in thinking he would want to see his child, and being pregnant maybe letting my emotions get the better of me.

I also know I cannot force him to have contact or want to see his child.

Just disappointing but thank you so much for your help and advice.

OP posts:
SaagAloopa · 15/12/2024 07:57

girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 07:25

Agreed regarding travel/traffic etc. I've always been really lenient with what times he sees his child on the weekend due to work commitments.

I did offer he see her during the week which he declined, so weekends I let him come and go as he pleases.

However, not turning up because he didn't set an alarm and was hungover I don't think is acceptable.

Thank you for your reply

Show quote history

Do not let him come and go as he pleases. Ask him to choose a set time each week/every other week or whatever that he wants to stick to. He needs a regular time slot. Eg. Every Saturday afternoon 12-3.

BrooookeDavis · 15/12/2024 08:01

Dealingwithatrexrightnow · 15/12/2024 07:51

The court could arrange for a contact centre and an alcohol test before contact.

Your evidence is the lack of reliability and any police offences etc

But they can and do order alcohol and drug tests.

Show quote history

Just to say the behaviour bar is quite low for the courts, they likely wouldn't ask for contact centre or alcohol tests on what you've said currently.

They'll rely on compliance in the first instance. So just by it being a condition they'll expect him to follow it without supervision. If he doesn't then you'll have evidence to vary the order (eg contact centre). Court is complex and costly and not something to rush into.

Do you have a good relationship with his parents? Can they be a backup if he's not fit? So they become the constant in the children's lives and it's less of a blow for them if he doesn't turn up?

Original poster
girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 08:04

Unfortunately no relationship with his parents.

His dad contacts me very occasionally to ask about his granddaughter but rarely sees her.

His mother and me have zero contact (haven't spoken since September).

He also has zero contact with his mum.

So sadly his parents won't do much.

I contacted his dad yesterday to say he hasn't turned up any idea where he is? And his dad just said I'll try contact him and that was it. Nothing else from him. They're just as useless as him sadly.

OP posts:
TwinklyAmberOrca · 15/12/2024 08:13

I'd want some alcohol testing kits to make sure he is sober before he goes near the kids! He needs to stick to a schedule.

Why do people choose to have kids with people like this??

BrooookeDavis · 15/12/2024 08:29

girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 08:04

Unfortunately no relationship with his parents.

His dad contacts me very occasionally to ask about his granddaughter but rarely sees her.

His mother and me have zero contact (haven't spoken since September).

He also has zero contact with his mum.

So sadly his parents won't do much.

I contacted his dad yesterday to say he hasn't turned up any idea where he is? And his dad just said I'll try contact him and that was it. Nothing else from him. They're just as useless as him sadly.

That's a shame, I'm sorry. I think you'll have to approach parenting as totally your responsibility. Plan in a relaxed period when he's due but have a spontaneous outing in reserve if he doesn't show. He might change as he grows up and the kids start becoming more interesting/fun. But having expectations of him will only mean you are disappointed and just don't put yourself through that. Managing him isn't your responsibility, but for kids having a flaky father can be devastating so protecting them as much as you can is your priority. Do you have good support around you?

Bornnotbourne · 15/12/2024 08:33

TwinklyAmberOrca · 15/12/2024 08:13

I'd want some alcohol testing kits to make sure he is sober before he goes near the kids! He needs to stick to a schedule.

Why do people choose to have kids with people like this??

Because alcoholics are extremely manipulative and will go through dry periods when they convince everyone that they will remain sober. I have an alcoholic parent who has been sober for 30 years. I still don’t trust them. Alcoholism tends to go hand in hand with being a charming liar. I’m tee total myself as I recognise some of the traits in myself and don’t like them!

StormingNorman · 15/12/2024 08:37

Your ex has a drink problems and needs to get help for it. All your stipulations and boundaries won’t change his behaviour. Try having a chat to put the idea of getting help in his mind. It probably won’t but it’s worth it for your children to try.

Pussycat22 · 15/12/2024 08:37

You're flogging a dead one here. He doesn't deserve to see the babies. Complete flake. Concentrate on yourself and children, mentally, physically and emotionally. Put him on the back burner. x

Pinkissmart · 15/12/2024 08:42

Don’t call his family to ask where he is- just makes everything messy

Whyherewego · 15/12/2024 08:46

I'd be careful before following advice like alcohol testing kits. I'm not a lawyer but I'm not sure you can insist that someone takes a test before contact unless there's some court order to enforce this.
Being hungover is not a crime. If he's unsafe to drive absolutely but you've said already he doesn't drive the DC. So I think I'd just leave it at "we agreed a time and you didn't make it", follow with email/text to support you're being reasonable ie you attempted a couple contacts to see if he was coming. You are not obliged to rearrange for another time that's not convenient for you. If he's got an arranged time then it's down to him to make it.

Cakeandcardio · 15/12/2024 08:48

My understanding of court orders is that the child has to be available at the agreed time or the RP can face consequences. If the non resident parent does not turn up then there are no consequences.

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