Ex partner didn't show to see child

[girlmum1996]

Me and my ex partner have been separated 6 months now. We have a young child (15mo) and I am pregnant with his 2nd child. We found out about the pregnancy a few weeks after we decided to seperate and agreed getting back together for the sake of having a child was never going to fix things.

We've always had a really amicable break up (of course disagreements here and there) but we've worked much better not together.

I moved out and managed to get my own place, and I let him visit every weekend to see the child. We are not yet in a place where he can have the child by himself (he has been known to drink heavily/be hungover/irresponsible - along with multiple driving bans for drink driving and as of recently a speeding ticket so our child is not allowed in his car or in his care alone) - PLEASE NOTE THIS WAS A JOINT DECISION FROM BOTH OF US WHICH HE HAS NEVER CHALLENGED).

We are also in the process of mediation to ensure we have an agreement in place for him to see his child regularly and build a relationship where hopefully in the future he can have the child(ren) solo.

We had arranged for him to come and visit his daughter Saturday and he was due to arrive at mine around 12/1pm. After several phone calls (around 9 in total) and me contacting his family to ask his whereabouts - he contacted me to say he had been out drinking Friday evening, had overslept and was hungover therefore was never going to make our agreed time.

He asked if he could come later in the afternoon, however I declined this as I did not feel it was fair to just turn up when he wanted after being hungover and unreliable.

My question is - if we had an agreement in place via mediation or even a court order, and he didn't turn up because he was hungover, where would I/he stand?

Of course my daughter isn't old enough to understand, but in a few years when she does, I don't think it's fair that I will have to explain to her 'oh sorry daddy hasn't turned up because I can't get hold of him'.

Please note - he often does this where he goes out and becomes unreachable, turns his phone off, disappears for anything from 12-48 hours. I understand we are not together so what he does in his own personal time is not my business, however doing this when we had a private arrangement in place I do not think is fair.

Please let me know any thoughts/opinions.

Right now I am extremely angry and disappointed, and have advised that we wait for things to go through mediation/court so everything is done via the correct channels. This of course means he won't see his child for quite some time.

When I first left exh would see ds at his parents supervised by them and would do a breathalyser before the visit started. I and they stopped the visits after he became violent with his parents. I then offered a contact centre for which he never agreed to. He hasn't seen ds for 4 years.
We worked out afterwards that he would manage to blow a zero for the start of the visit but was hiding alcohol and drinking throughout.
He would often cancel the visits as he was 'ill' (badly hungover or withdrawing) I always just replied okay and carried on my day with ds.
He is in sporadic contact with pil and send birthday and Christmas presents (sometimes marked the wrong way or completely inappropriate age wise) but he is still addicted to alcohol.
I hate to say it but you might have to prepare for life as a mainly solo parent.

That's right. It's because it's assumed a patent actually wants to see their child.

As a parent whose ex hasn’t seen their child for 20 years, I would sadly say , you should probably be prepared for that to happen.

@girlmum1996 seems for him to have solo time it would need to start in a supervised visit centre ? He would have a slot there so obviously it would all be noted if he was late/didn’t show / smelled of drink.
For now it may be best untill the festives are over to freeze contact. Seems to much alcohol and too many let downs would happen. .
Keep all this noted in a diary for mediation.

I don’t think this man is going to be any sort of reliable person to your kids. .
Maybe best not tell your daughter she is seeing her dad then you don’t have to deal with the upset of a “no show “

My ex husband wasn't a drinker so slightly different to your situation but once we separated due to domestic abuse when my sons were a few days old he was incredibly difficult around contact. This continued with him being difficult in making arrangements and not sticking to the agreements, he would usually start an argument and then say he wasn't coming. In the end I decided this couldn't continue, my sons were only 2 when I decided to cut all contact. By this point they had seen him about 6 times, had no clue who he was and no real relationship with him. It took me that amount of time and failed attempts to realise it was on him to want to see them and have a relationship with them and clearly the fact he couldn't even bother to turn up for a few hours twice a week said it all. I told him if he couldn't be consistent he couldnt see them and would have to make a court application. My sons are three and a half now and he hasn't seen them since or made an application to court. As they were getting older I realised it was one thing him not turning up and me being angry and disappointed but them being oblivious due to their age compared to them getting older and knowing he hadn't turned up to see them. You can not tell them he is supposed to be coming but as they get older they will ask about seeing him and when are they next seeing him and it gets harder and harder to cover for him and why should you when you are there day in day out doing all of the actual parenting. I didn't want my sons to be damaged by a flaky father. It took me a long time to accept what I was going was best for them in the long run and a father that really cares sees them and is consistent without any prompting or help. Maybe things will improve with your ex but don't be afraid to cut contact if you feel that is the best thing for your children.