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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not change Xmas plans after only being asked today?

34 replies

dirtychailatte1 · 14/12/2024 20:31

DF asked today when we were coming to their house for Christmas. I said because they didn't ask I had assumed we were staying home for Christmas and would see them later before New Year. He was annoyed saying of course they expected us to come.

We went there for the past two Christmases but arranged it much earlier. Practically and logistically it would be fine but I spent months not hearing anything and then planned in my head to be home because I assumed we weren't invited. AIBU to think it's too late to expect us to go?

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 14/12/2024 20:37

If you've gone the last 2 years, wouldn't you have just messaged a few weeks ago when you started thinking about Christmas asking what the plans were and did they want you guys to go again?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/12/2024 20:39

I dont think its too late to change, if you wanted to. Isn't it more the point that you actually don't want to?

Doesn't anyone in your family talk to one another? After spending it together for the past two years, wouldn't you have a conversation- "What's the plan for Christmas this year?"

Pineapplewaves · 14/12/2024 20:41

Do you want to go or would you rather stay at home and have Christmas with your immediate family?

Decide which you would prefer then let your DF know, if he's not going to be on his own this year then I think it's fine to do what you would like after spending Christmas Day with DF for the previous two years.

Maybe you could visit before or after Christmas or at New Year instead?

DetestTheClockChange · 14/12/2024 20:45

Of course it's not too late. But depends on whether you want to.

Oldnproud · 14/12/2024 20:48

Just a thought, but could they have delayed in asking you this year in hope that you would invite them to yours this time?

Pandasnacks · 14/12/2024 20:49

If you've gone for the last 2 years why does it even need specific arranging sooner? What's different this year that needs more forward planning?

tilypu · 14/12/2024 20:53

I don't think it's too late. In fact my family have only just firmed up our plans today.

But if you are set on your plans, that's ok too.

Cherrysoup · 14/12/2024 20:56

Do you not communicate with your parents.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/12/2024 20:57

If you've gone the last 2 years they maybe just took it for granted you'd go again.

FuckItItsFine · 14/12/2024 20:57

I agree with the others. You’re weird not to have mentioned it to them. Why presume when you can ask for clarification?

biscuitsandbooks · 14/12/2024 20:59

I find this a really odd way of thinking.

There's 10 days until Christmas - unless you've already made other plans, why would it be too late go?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/12/2024 21:10

I think with family the default is that you see each other. If you've done it for the last few years I'd kind of assume you would have been again, unless you had I laws you alternated with or whatever.

ZenNudist · 14/12/2024 21:13

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 14/12/2024 20:37

If you've gone the last 2 years, wouldn't you have just messaged a few weeks ago when you started thinking about Christmas asking what the plans were and did they want you guys to go again?

This

It's your dad. Just talk to him to make plans

NewName24 · 14/12/2024 21:41

Bizarre.

How can it be that no-one in your family has just said "What's the plan for Christmas this year?" at any point over the last 2 months or so. Confused

I mean, no, it's not too late, but can you explain to us why you haven't said "What's the plan?" at some point.

Original poster
dirtychailatte1 · 15/12/2024 05:41

We're in a tiny flat so not expected to host. I specifically didn't mention it because things have been off for a while ie no acknowledgement on my birthday, but every time I ask am told it's all fine. The only reason I can think is DFs's new relationship, have barely seen him since then. So I wanted to wait and see, plus would prefer to stay home because it's been so tense.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 15/12/2024 05:49

So your dad has found someone he likes spending time with which is nice. At least he isn't on his own. You are feeling left out because he forgot your birthday, and are making a point.

I think you make a decision based on whether you want to go or not. Will you enjoy sharing his Christmas with his new friend? Will you relax or will you feel aggravated and awkward? Will you spoil his Christmas?

Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 06:15

Meadowfinch · 15/12/2024 05:49

So your dad has found someone he likes spending time with which is nice. At least he isn't on his own. You are feeling left out because he forgot your birthday, and are making a point.

I think you make a decision based on whether you want to go or not. Will you enjoy sharing his Christmas with his new friend? Will you relax or will you feel aggravated and awkward? Will you spoil his Christmas?

I think that’s a bit harsh. Most of us would feel hurt if our parent ignored our birthday.

HoppityBun · 15/12/2024 06:15

dirtychailatte1 · 15/12/2024 05:41

We're in a tiny flat so not expected to host. I specifically didn't mention it because things have been off for a while ie no acknowledgement on my birthday, but every time I ask am told it's all fine. The only reason I can think is DFs's new relationship, have barely seen him since then. So I wanted to wait and see, plus would prefer to stay home because it's been so tense.

I think that the tenseness you refer to is the key. Your OP refers to your DF asking when you’re going. Does that mean what time on Christmas Day or over the Christmas period? It sounds as though Christmas Day itself might now be too stressful but can you go on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? It’ll blow over. These things happen

CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 06:27

Have you made arrangements to host other people at home, bought the shopping etc? If not then I would think it’s safe that your DF made the assumption you were going there as it’s now the “norm”. Perhaps DF forgot to mention it to you? It does seem odd that you hadn’t mentioned it either

pizzaHeart · 15/12/2024 06:28

It’s difficult to say if it’s too late or not as it depends on circumstances: travel, pet sitting arrangements, time off work, other family dependants.
Do you think your DF inviting you because he wants you to sort everything out?
Do you think he wants to show ifff his family side in front of new relationship?
Or nothing like these and he just loves seeing you at Christmas?

Disclaimer. I wouldn’t like forgetting my birthday. I wouldn’t like it very much.

PenelopeSkye · 15/12/2024 06:37

My first thought was also that he was waiting to see if you would offer to host, but I saw your update saying your flat is tiny and you know if wouldn’t be that. In which case given he knows this, he probably just assumed you’d come to him. If he does all the prep work and cooking and pays for it, I think I’d be grateful in your position and offering to help, rather than cross he didn’t mention it sooner. All that said, it sounds like you have issues with him in general, so it runs deeper than that. I guess it comes down to whether you want to spend it with him and the new partner or not. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong in this particular scenario.

mistification · 15/12/2024 07:13

I think "planning in your head to stay at home" is irrelevant really.

If you would like to go, then go. If you'd prefer to stay home tell them that.

rwalker · 15/12/2024 07:25

They presumed as it seems to be a regular thing you going to them

can’t understand why you didn’t ask earlier

Marshtit · 15/12/2024 07:29

you dont have to go if you dont want to - i guess - but who would your df celebrate with if you dont?

Original poster
dirtychailatte1 · 15/12/2024 07:33

Thanks, this has been helpful. I think all the weirdness ie being distant and forgetting my birthday has put me on edge in general, so I was waiting to see if not being invited for Christmas was part of that. And then I gave up waiting and it was a relief to think, ok, we'll just relax and enjoy being at home. So then being invited/expected to go felt like everything was suddenly up in the air again. I think I just can't stand the tension of something being 'off' but not knowing what it is, so it felt kind of like, ok, we all know where we stand, and we just won't go, but now it's more confusing and I know if we go the tension will just hang around and if I ask will be told 'it's all fine'

OP posts:
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