Mumsnet making me paranoid

[Ryeman]

Every other thread I read is about the husband cheating or leaving, and even if they’re not someone puts two and two together and comes up with 73. “Dh put the bins out a day earlier than normal” “Dh touched his ear weirdly when I asked him why he wasn’t hungry” “Dh went to a different petrol station this week”. LEAVE HIM!! He’s definitely having an affair.

Am I the only one now paranoid and constantly looking for signs of an affair even though my marriage is great?!

MN has definitely made me think worse of men in general, and to look closer at some of the men in my life and wonder if their wives are happy. But not my DH.

Its always #NotAllMen and I'm happy to point at dh as being in that disclaimer.

Why not YOUR DH?

MN can be very toxic and anti men. A lot of women on here have had bad experiences with men and will always see the worst and think everyone should get rid of their partner for the tiniest slight.

It’s hard to remain objective when it’s all over the forum but you have to remember that in comparison to the rest of the U.K., MN is representative of a very small portion.

Me too. I have been on Mumsnet for over a decade now but I often delete the app for a few months because of this. It can get in my head a bit and then my tendency to overthink kicks in.

Same here - I have to take regular breaks from this place. I wish I could stay away permanently but there’s some good stuff here amongst the horribly toxic.

A lot of the threads on here aren’t real and many are designed to create panic. If Putin sneezes I know we’ll get a whole bunch of ‘we’re all getting nuked’ threads.

I don't think it is very nice to mock people who are upset amd post for support. I haven't seen anyone say he touched his ear differently or went to a different petrol station so must be cheating, rather they have been told by an ow or they have come across messages proving suspicions.

Many women don't have support irl so places like mn can be invaluable.

Op mn is full of crap and most threads and post are over exaggerated.
Take it with a pinch of salt.
When i read some threads i think some of the women are the abusers.
And every bad habbit or behaviour is always SEN to blame.

Oh wow thank you for this post! I’ve been feeling the same recently with all the posts! A little paranoid that even though I think things are fine I could be completely wrong and he could have some secret life going on and maybe u can never really trust any one! I wouldn’t have given any of that a second thought before!

I have a great marriage of over 30y.
MN just makes me grateful to be married to a decent man. Then again most of my friends’ husbands are wonderful too. I have a high bar and my husband reaches it. Standards are low here.

MN does not make me remotely worried. But I am also not an anxious type who doesn’t open the door or who needs to wash my towels daily 🤷🏼‍♀️

That is good to hear. I too have a long and happy marriage but I wouldn't ever be so complacent to think it couldn't ever happen to me.

Men and women cheat. Often the most unsuspecting people from what appear to be ideal, perfect marriages. So while I'm not suggesting one should be paranoid I think it would also be wrong to be too smug.

It can happen to anyone, not just those who don't have wonderful husbands.

People's posts are naturally biased to start with, obviously as they only post when there are problems. It's not a reflection of real life, as no one comes on MN to make a post saying 'my H has been to work, come home and is now doing the washing up. Nothing else to say really.'

People with bad experiences are more likely to respond to posts like those and are more likely to respond in the way you suggest. People with normal, functioning relationships are less likely to leave comments.

Thats the risk of being in a relationship

No point worrying about something that hasn't happened though and if it does happen then have trust in ourselves and our ability to handle it and move forward

Yes, anyone can cheat. But I am not going to spend each day paranoid. What’s the point? I am certainly not going to let randoms from an internet site worry me.

Where did I say it would not ever happen to me anyway? I was answering the OP’s question re whether MN makes me paranoid. It certainly doesn’t.

Men (and indeed women) having affairs is obviously pretty common. But obviously the Relationships board is massively skewed towards relationships with problems, because people don't post about their relationships on a forum if everything is fine. MN has certainly opened my eyes to how shit relationships can be, and what some women put up with, but it hasn't made me paranoid about my own.

I’d say just get off Mumsnet if it’s having that effect. It will free up loads of spare time maybe too! X

Generally people only post when they have a problem, it’s like hotel reviews … you mostly see the bad ones because people feel more strongly about it.

Dont let it make you paranoid though, if you e got a good chap then don’t ruin it. I’d only judge someone based on their own actions and behaviours - not generalisations based on forums.

MN can be quite anti men sometimes … that being said Reddit can be very much the same for being anti women. Take whatever you read with a pinch of salt.

MN has been incredibly helpful for me in being able to look at my relationship of decades more objectively and say "actually that is shit, I don't want to put up with this anymore." And to start ball rolling to leave. I'm sad that i've set bar so low for myself regarding men in life to date tbh.

I 100% agree with you

they can also make me feel quite insecure.

I suppose the upside of that is helping you not to live in the mindset of “it will never happen to me”

I too like to think I have a strong relationship with my husband, been together 20 years, although not perfect, I would say happy 85% of the time and he’s a very kind man, and better than average parent to our 17&14 year olds .

however he’s off on his works Christmas do tonight , and after reading several posts relating to going out I am a bit worried- which is completely unfair, as I think he has been out 3 times this year, and always come back on the last bus,

I can only think of one time in the 20 years he went out (aged about 22, ) and didn’t come home until 3 and his phone had died and I was so worried and cross

its unfair for me to be checking up on him , but mumsnet would make you question even a loyal man

😂 so true

This is why I often avoid all the Relationship type threads and stick to the more general ones - The Doghouse or The Tack Room or Christmas. A lot of posts there are far more about life than about men (or about dogs, horses and Christmas, all dearer to my heart than men) and I like the community feel.

But then I'm single and live alone with my biases.

MN helped me see my ex bf was a useless rubbish man which was really useful. But I’ve read so many threads recently about abusers, cheaters and rubbish men that I feel like MN is becoming a source of anxiety even though my new bf is so much better. It’s quite jarring to click on a title thinking it’s a small issue but it turns out to actually be a pretty emotionally/physically abusive relationship. And if that’s a lot of the trending threads then it can become something I end up thinking about a lot, forgetting this is a message board not really the real world.

I’m pretty sure you can block certain topics on your account and I’m considering doing that for relationships as people (understandably) mainly post about their relationship problems rather than positive or lighthearted things

For me as a now single woman, I'd say it reminds me to keep my standards high! I also often breathe a sigh of relief that I am single 😂 MN hasn't put me off men, men themselves have done that.

Gone are the days when women have to stay in a shitty relationship for appearances sake, and that's a good thing. Although finances obviously remain an issue for many.

I do believe cheating has become more prevelant with things like the Internet and phones. Easy for someone to go on a dating site and claim to be single when they're not. Sneaky calls and texts are easy. It was a bit different when there was just one house phone in the hallway!

I don't really trust men but, as I said, that's on them and not on MN. My own dad was a cheat and my mum was the OW, although the woman he left had also been the OW when they got together! So I didn't have great role models to begin with.

This is the other side of it. For all the over the top posts the OP mentions you've also got plenty of women who don't realise how genuinely awful their partners are until it's pointed out.