Mumsnet making me paranoid

[Ryeman]

Every other thread I read is about the husband cheating or leaving, and even if they’re not someone puts two and two together and comes up with 73. “Dh put the bins out a day earlier than normal” “Dh touched his ear weirdly when I asked him why he wasn’t hungry” “Dh went to a different petrol station this week”. LEAVE HIM!! He’s definitely having an affair.

Am I the only one now paranoid and constantly looking for signs of an affair even though my marriage is great?!

Its just mumsnet. Noone is posting about being happily married

Alao pwoplw arw mwyboard warriers. Always ready to end a marriage ...so extreme

Honestly, don't get paranoid - never trust 100% but (genuine) posters only post when things go wrong

Am I the only one now paranoid and constantly looking for signs of an affair even though my marriage is great?!

My 20-year marriage is great, some random comments on the internet wouldn't make me think otherwise or make me start looking for signs of an affair. If something so trivial makes you question things, maybe it's not as great as you think.

MN is very anti men. On a personal level I think there are more awful than great ones but it’s fever pitch on here.

But people generally don’t write about their great husbands or partner’s because it’s an advice site. My DH is currently upstairs rearranging the laundry cupboard. It’s helpful but hardly thrilling or contentious unless you’re a control freak. I do not need advice on it.

Some of the LTB are ridiculous. What you have to remember is some people get pleasure from the pain of others, schadenfreude is real on this site.

You are not paranoid. I am the last person I ever EVER thought would have an affair and despite having been in a sexless marriage of many years - a source of continuing unhappiness - I still didn’t ever think about it until all of a sudden I did. No history of flirting with other men nor of looking for male attention elsewhere, an overnight change of mind.

Think twice if you have this odd twinge or paranoia and you notice too your partner or spouse

• working at odd times of night and even at weekends (talking / texting, not necessarily going anywhere)
• increasing in exercise fanaticism for no good reason
• Having a few hours when they go offline which they haven’t flagged in advance
• doing anything new and odd with phones
• staying up very very late
• drifting, when you both have a physical life that’s gone very cold for a long time (in my case it was many years)
• saying they want to open up the marriage - they may already have met someone on the sly who they want to see more often

and / or

• who puts much more premium on the physical than you do (male / female) where you have said no for months / years and who eventually stops asking or initiating

Of course not all people who start going to the gym are having affairs - this is not that kind of soft trigger list. This for people reading who feel something is up but aren’t quite sure why or wondering if it’s just their unconscious playing tricks on them, making them imagine it could happen, even though it could never.. could it? Some of you will be right and even though you - one of those of you who is right - are the cleverest, kindest, funniest, sexiest woman (or man) for miles around none of that needs to be relevant to an affair, for it to happen.

I am also the last person any of my friends or family would think had been having an affair either. I was never unfaithful before being married either. Although I am quite obviously a lot happier now than before it - I would think this obvious to anyone who knows me - so going by happiness signs, they might work it out.

What I did is wrong. I am sure it won’t give anyone consolation to hear me say this and it doesn’t absolve me in any way.

I'm not sure whether you're sneering at the posters who suggest partners might be having affairs, exaggerating it to make a point about MNetters being crazy man haters; or if the number of posts on here about cheating men has actually made you less secure in your marriage? But to answer your question in good faith, MN has had no effect on me in this regard. I think as I always have. Some men will cheat, some won't, and no one knows which type they've got until they find out, either the hard way, or by reaching the end of their life without being betrayed. There is nothing you can do about this so best to live your life with a balance of optimism and vigilance for red flags.