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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP always late back home, driving me mad when we’ve got plans

44 replies

christmaself123 · 14/12/2024 12:10

DP works for his own company and sometimes works late into the evenings at the company. I’m fine with him being back home whenever he finishes but he won’t let me know when he is expected back. For example, on Thursdays he holds training meetings for his staff which is meant to end by 7pm. He’ll sometimes get back at 9pm and say people wanted to chat to him so he can’t just leave. I’ve given up arguing on that point so I’ve just let it go.

He is currently doing his hobby (which he does every Saturday). On Monday he arranged for us to go to his parents house and then said we could go shopping at the shopping centre by then for Christmas and get some lunch. He said he’d probably be back from his hobby around 12pm

I asked him this morning what time he would be home. He said he couldn’t give me a time because his staff will be there and he has to appear available for chats/catch ups as it will affect his business negatively if he says he has to leave. I said it’s perfectly reasonable to say “I’m sorry I’ve got to get going, my DPs waiting for me at home and we have plans at 1pm today - send me a message if it can’t wait til Monday”

DP said this was rude and he wouldn’t do it. So now I’m in a position of waiting until he gets in and then starting my day. He would be annoyed if I made my own plans and think I was cross with him if I went out before he got back.

He does this all the time and it really works me up and I don’t know why. He makes out I am being really unreasonable by expecting him to come back after work or hobbies so we can see each other/do our plans together.

aibu?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 14/12/2024 12:13

Don’t make any plans for after his work or hobby, and time to live your own life. So what if he gets annoyed if you make your own plans, he gets you annoyed, so he needs a dose of his own medicine.

coconutpie · 14/12/2024 12:14

So he has a hobby on a Saturday which he won't leave on time because some of his employees also go to said hobby and may want to chat with him? YANBU. He doesn't respect you or your time. I'd be suggesting if he can't stick to an agreed time for plans that he has already made with you, then he doesn't go to his hobby at all that day.

Do you have children with this man? If not, don't.

coconutpie · 14/12/2024 12:14

Also, just go shopping yourself today. Don't bother waiting for him. Make your own plans.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 14/12/2024 12:15

I agree with pp. You can't sit around waiting for him. My dh can be a bit like that sometimes so l just do my own thing if he does.

needhelpwiththisplease · 14/12/2024 12:15

He knows you will wait around so can do as he pleases.

DustyLee123 · 14/12/2024 12:16

Is the hobby golf, football or cycling by any chance?

pestoblush · 14/12/2024 12:16

I’d write the Thursday evenings off but not the hobby Saturday mornings and then kedving you like a lemon waiting for sir!!

nope.. I wouldn’t be there when you get back and he can explain to his parents what happened

Silvertulips · 14/12/2024 12:17

Let him be annoyed!! You can’t control his feelings.

I would give him a limit - I’m doing xyz when your at your hobby, ring me when your done - if you’re not available after x time I’m doing x

Put your foot down.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/12/2024 12:18

Go out yourself. Leave him a note to say that you’re in town, ring when you’re home and you can meet up when he’s ready.

writing that has made me nostalgic for a time when writing a note to someone was the only way to let them know where you were.

Brefugee · 14/12/2024 12:18

make your own plans, let him catch up. Either he'll be more on time, or he'll carry on.

Meanwhile you get your time back

LimeYellow · 14/12/2024 12:19

I would find this irritating too OP. Go out and do something and say you got sick of waiting around for him.

Knittedfairies2 · 14/12/2024 12:20

Go without him, unless he didn't want to go shopping at all and is just using 'having' to stay as an excuse.

MeatRaffleRita · 14/12/2024 12:21

He's taking the piss. He isn't trustworthy or dependable. He expects you to revolve everything around him. He is selfish and self important.

Get rid before he makes your entire life a misery.

Original poster
christmaself123 · 14/12/2024 12:24

He said he’s not going to him me times he will be in now because if he’s late I get upset. So he’s said it might be around 12 but I’ll ring you when I am leaving.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 14/12/2024 12:30

@christmaself123 so he values the emotions and connections and being available with his staff more than he values being available for his partner?

You are second best to people he employs.. and it sounds like you always will be.

No work life balance and you will always take a back seat but he will also be annoyed if you create a life for yourself because you are fed up of sitting on a shelf waiting for him to prioritise you. So you can’t do anything right unless you just sit around waiting for crumbs of his affection and time.

Id be having a big talk with him as to your expectations of a relationship and time together as a couple - and if he can’t improve then he can’t be annoyed that you start making your own plans because you can’t rely on him.

MeatRaffleRita · 14/12/2024 12:30

But he fully expects you to wait for him, no matter how long he decides to be.

Not in a million years would I do that unless he was a paramedic or something equally life saving and vital.

He really is stitching you up like a kipper.

Bex5490 · 14/12/2024 12:35

If this is a relationship with no kids I’d be mildly irritated and give him a taste of his own medicine.

If you do have kids, and his hobbies and general lack of consideration mean that you’re left looking them alone, I’d be fuming.

ChristmasinBrighton · 14/12/2024 12:35

Tbh it’s a bit pathetic that you will just sit around waiting for him.

He doesn’t give a fuck about upsetting you, so why are you worried that he will be miffed if you do something without him?

Tell him you are leaving at x time and if he isn’t back by then you will go without him.

Typerighter · 14/12/2024 12:39

A good boss models good work life balance. He's setting a culture of presenteeism.

I think the only thing you can do here is to go out. Don't ask/tell just go.

ExcludedatfiveFML · 14/12/2024 12:40

Stop being a mug

He doesnt value your time.

Start valuing yourself, just crack on without him.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 14/12/2024 12:41

Make plans
Be clear on the timing
Go without him if he's not home

If you want to go out without your children then hand them over at hobby place - go in, drop them off all bright & breezy & leave pdq
He won't argue infront of his mates

MeatRaffleRita · 14/12/2024 12:41

I actually think it's bollocks about needing to 'chat' to work colleagues. He's just out on a jolly and taking the absolute mick. I bet his work mates aren't even there.

DustyLee123 · 14/12/2024 12:42

So you’re going to sit and wait for your slot with him?
Im glad he’s DP and not DH, I hope there’s no kids in this

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/12/2024 12:44

What an irritating way to behave. Everyone else needs time and attention lavishing on them, and only you are allowed to make no demands.
TBH, I'd wonder if he was up to something. Two hours catching up with colleagues after training in the evening is ridiculous. Do none of them have lives outside work?

Dishwashersaurous · 14/12/2024 12:46

Wow he's so inconsiderate and blatantly rude.

He doesn't value your time.

You need to just be really clear. I'm going out at x time and if he's not back then go without him.

And start seriously questioning the future of this relationship

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