DP always late back home, driving me mad when we’ve got plans

[christmaself123]

DP works for his own company and sometimes works late into the evenings at the company. I’m fine with him being back home whenever he finishes but he won’t let me know when he is expected back. For example, on Thursdays he holds training meetings for his staff which is meant to end by 7pm. He’ll sometimes get back at 9pm and say people wanted to chat to him so he can’t just leave. I’ve given up arguing on that point so I’ve just let it go.

He is currently doing his hobby (which he does every Saturday). On Monday he arranged for us to go to his parents house and then said we could go shopping at the shopping centre by then for Christmas and get some lunch. He said he’d probably be back from his hobby around 12pm

I asked him this morning what time he would be home. He said he couldn’t give me a time because his staff will be there and he has to appear available for chats/catch ups as it will affect his business negatively if he says he has to leave. I said it’s perfectly reasonable to say “I’m sorry I’ve got to get going, my DPs waiting for me at home and we have plans at 1pm today - send me a message if it can’t wait til Monday”

DP said this was rude and he wouldn’t do it. So now I’m in a position of waiting until he gets in and then starting my day. He would be annoyed if I made my own plans and think I was cross with him if I went out before he got back.

He does this all the time and it really works me up and I don’t know why. He makes out I am being really unreasonable by expecting him to come back after work or hobbies so we can see each other/do our plans together.

aibu?

Don’t agree to make plans with him at all. Just be direct: this treatment is unacceptable and you don’t accept it. No “lunch with his parents” and no “planned shopping trips.” Just tell him “you are unreliable when it comes to time and its not worth wasting my time waiting around for you.” If he complains “you are angry” just say, calmly, “yes I am angry.”

He would be annoyed if I made my own plans and think I was cross with him if I went out before he got back.

But you are cross with him. So he can be annoyed all he wants but if he can't have it both ways.

Stop waiting around for him, I'm assuming you don't drive or there's only one car if you do. Just go do something else. Don't be there when he does deign to return and if he complains tell him you won't give him a time that you will be back.

He doesn't respect you or your time because he knows you'll just be there hanging around until he comes home.

I get the staying over after work , it happens. As for the hobby, that's different. there's no need to stay longer than necessary chatting. He obviously doesn't respect you or your time, so as others have said, make your own plans and go without him. Play him at his game , let him get frustrated. Then he'll know how you feel.

I’m in the “fuck that” camp. You can make plans all you like but if he thinks you are a bangmaid blow up doll who nannies his kids, I would be taking my grown up autonomy back.

It’s about respect. You, your time and your efforts deserve respect from him. But he seems to have none.

Golf? Football? Two things notoriously more important to blokes than their partners.

The hobby is running

Is he home yet?

No. No phone call. I am about to leave to go to see my mum.

He basically thinks his time is worth more than yours, why are you putting up with this?
Who gives a shit if he gets upset or thinks you are cross with him if you make your own plans or go without him? You should be cross that he prioritises everything else over you!
Stop waiting around for him and do your own thing, he can either fit in with that or fuck off.

So he makes plans for your time off, which at this time of year is at a premium, then doesn’t appear for the plans he’s made? He wouldn’t need to think I was annoyed, he’d bloody well know loud and clear. So disrespectful of you. Go and do your thing, and don’t tell him when you’ll be back.

He’s the big man, OP.

You need to bend and flex around his work & hobby commitments.

That’s just the way it is.

Unless, you’re prepared to stand up for yourself and make a change.

He has no incentive to leave on time when you're sitting at home waiting for him - so stop. Make your own plans and let him miss out.

YANBU. I agree that on a Saturday it would be perfectly reasonable for him to say to colleagues or friends I have to leave at X time because I have plans with my family.

I voted YABU as with certain positions you need to work longer hours and if you’re the boss, you can’t just say you’re leaving because you have plans with your wife.

I wouldn’t make any plans with him on the days he works.
Make your own plans and if he is home in time then he can come along, if not you’ll just have to see him when you are finished.

I don’t understand why your life is revolving around him.
You are your own separate person.

I would just crack on. I absolutely hate waiting round so I’ll tell my Dh I’m going and he can decide if he wants to come or not. No way am I hanging round.

He wasn’t working today, so it’s irrelevant isn’t it really, he was doing his hobby. HE made plans with me, I didn’t ask.

your bar seems extremely low.

Agree with you 99% but I'd argue there is a work life balance. It's just that it's tipped in favour of work. This suits him, he could make adjustments but choses not to. For him the balance is just fine.

OP, decide if you can live with this or not and act accordingly ❤

Old thread - I'll see myself out 🙄

Why not make your own plans / go without him, and let him be "annoyed". I mean, you're annoyed, right? Why does his annoyance carry more weight than yours? He'd think you were angry? But you've just explained that ... you are. Just go without him a couple of times and (this is the crucial bit) be entirely unapologetic about it, and I reckon his behaviour will change. Tell him you're tired of always coming second to chatting with employees and you're not going to hang around waiting on his lordship's pleasure any more - and then don't.