Hi all,
I am literally banging my head on the wall about this so trying to see if people can tell me if I have to sort myself out or what.
I am 33. My parents were young parents & they were very busy career-wise, so my mum left me with my granny's for the first 3 yrs of my life, give or take nights. After that, l started nursery and lots of aunties and the other grandparents took collective care of me while mum and dad were working/abroad. My mum effectively appeared in my life around age 6, when we moved into a big house. It was me, mum, dad, and my little sis (she had been practically raised by an aunt until that point). I have bad memories of my mum. It's not her fault - she is a generous person and always tries to make things work smoothly - but really she has made my life hard at times. She shouted a lot, both to us and to dad (and, to date, I still cannot bear people shouting at me). She had to have everything perfectly clean and tidy at all times, so we were only allowed to play quietly and tidily. She slapped us regularly (once she dislocated my arm by pulling me) for talking back or for being naughty. She was always angry - I think because she had to juggle her/ job and two daughters. Then we grew up, and she started constantly criticising our appearance, and in particular, she had these things she used to say often about me - that I was lazy and that I was weird. So I grew up thinking that I was lazy and weird, and to patch myself up, I spent my teenage years and early twenties working my ass off both studying to achieve top marks, and to do actual work to earn some money; and I tried desperately to become 'normal' like she wanted me to be. I did all she wanted me to do: attended the schools she wanted me to attend, played an instrument like she wanted me to do, and went to parties I did not enjoy because she wanted me to socialise with my high-class classmates.
My childhood was happy, because I was surrounded by grannies and aunties, but from age 10 onwards I really had a hellish time. My sister too. As a result, we both developed mental health disorders - I had anorexia, my sister had depression.
My mum is not a bad person. I can see that she did what she did because she wanted us to become something, to have lots of skills, and to be able to face the world. However, both me and my sister got hurt badly.
Fast forward twenty years (I left home at 20, became financially independent at 22 and did not loock back). I'm happily married & a mother of three. I see my parents twice a year, and after every time I almost need a round of therapy because of my mum, who has not improved with time. Worse than that, my mother is not very good with my children either. She expects them to be quiet, tidy and perfect. To never talk back. To eat perfectly. To never do anything naughty like running in the house or singing too loud. She terrifies them saying stuff like 'if you don't come here now, all of your toys will go into the bin!', and so on.
I am so worried my children will be scarred by what my mum does and says.
I don't want to hurt my mum, because, after all, she is my mum, and I owe her at least for my education. However, I am not sure my children should get too close to her. I am worried they might get hurt.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being spoilt/oversensitive?
Please help & suggestions.
R