I am not sure my children should get too close to my mum

[Roberta2020]

Hi all,

I am literally banging my head on the wall about this so trying to see if people can tell me if I have to sort myself out or what.
I am 33. My parents were young parents & they were very busy career-wise, so my mum left me with my granny's for the first 3 yrs of my life, give or take nights. After that, l started nursery and lots of aunties and the other grandparents took collective care of me while mum and dad were working/abroad. My mum effectively appeared in my life around age 6, when we moved into a big house. It was me, mum, dad, and my little sis (she had been practically raised by an aunt until that point). I have bad memories of my mum. It's not her fault - she is a generous person and always tries to make things work smoothly - but really she has made my life hard at times. She shouted a lot, both to us and to dad (and, to date, I still cannot bear people shouting at me). She had to have everything perfectly clean and tidy at all times, so we were only allowed to play quietly and tidily. She slapped us regularly (once she dislocated my arm by pulling me) for talking back or for being naughty. She was always angry - I think because she had to juggle her/ job and two daughters. Then we grew up, and she started constantly criticising our appearance, and in particular, she had these things she used to say often about me - that I was lazy and that I was weird. So I grew up thinking that I was lazy and weird, and to patch myself up, I spent my teenage years and early twenties working my ass off both studying to achieve top marks, and to do actual work to earn some money; and I tried desperately to become 'normal' like she wanted me to be. I did all she wanted me to do: attended the schools she wanted me to attend, played an instrument like she wanted me to do, and went to parties I did not enjoy because she wanted me to socialise with my high-class classmates.
My childhood was happy, because I was surrounded by grannies and aunties, but from age 10 onwards I really had a hellish time. My sister too. As a result, we both developed mental health disorders - I had anorexia, my sister had depression.
My mum is not a bad person. I can see that she did what she did because she wanted us to become something, to have lots of skills, and to be able to face the world. However, both me and my sister got hurt badly.
Fast forward twenty years (I left home at 20, became financially independent at 22 and did not loock back). I'm happily married & a mother of three. I see my parents twice a year, and after every time I almost need a round of therapy because of my mum, who has not improved with time. Worse than that, my mother is not very good with my children either. She expects them to be quiet, tidy and perfect. To never talk back. To eat perfectly. To never do anything naughty like running in the house or singing too loud. She terrifies them saying stuff like 'if you don't come here now, all of your toys will go into the bin!', and so on.
I am so worried my children will be scarred by what my mum does and says.
I don't want to hurt my mum, because, after all, she is my mum, and I owe her at least for my education. However, I am not sure my children should get too close to her. I am worried they might get hurt.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I being spoilt/oversensitive?
Please help & suggestions.

R

As you only see her twice a year there isn't any risk of her getting too close to your children, don't worry.

Your mum is an abusive, terrible mother. I think it may help you if you can learn to accept that the way she treated you and your sister was not ok and has done you lasting damage, both physical and emotional.

In the circumstances, it would be understandable if you cut her off but as others have said she won't have the same impact on your children.

My own mum was / is emotionally abusive at times, constantly criticising me, getting angry with me if I wasn't cheerful and I've gone out of my way to parent my own children very differently. One of them is an adult now and she's fully aware of what my mum can be like and she knows it's not the right way to be etc.

It might be healthier if your kids see you standing up to grandma and watch you set boundaries. They also might appreciate seeing you stick up for them

She sounds like a shit bag, which is my way of saying she's a bad person. I'd vote with feet and tell her why if she asks.

Thank you all. Every single answer I read here is useful because it has helped me clear my complex feelings. I should probably go through therapy as well. But I will, above all, protect my children.

I can see you are still clinging to the hope of your mum not being a bad person. Yet she physically and mentally abused you and your sister. She dislocated your arm! You developed anorexia and your sister a depression due to how badly she treated you. Your mother is a bad person. No good person would ever do what she did. You owe her nothing. I think you need therapy to realise that you are entitled to be angry, dislike and even hate your mother for what she did to you. She robbed you of your childhood and now she's treating your children the same way. I don't usually say this but why would you ever want to see her again and how can you expose your children to her toxic behaviour? I think you are still in her fold because you refuse to see her as a bad person. Definitely get some therapy to help you see the reality for what it is so that you can protect yourself and your children. 💚

You do not 'owe' your mother anything. Certainly not your education, which is one of the absolute basics all children should have.

Your mother has abused you all your life. Protect your children, and please keep them as far away from her as possible.

She is a bad person. She pretty much abandoned you as a small child and terrified you when you lived with her again from age 6. She was physically and emotionally abusive and she is now terrifying your children. Please keep them away from her.