My crazy SIL

[Username98337]

This is massive sorry but I need to let it out somewhere. I’ve had issues with my SIL (BILs girlfriend) since the day I met her. For ease, we’ll call her Daisy and we’ll call BIL Harry. For context, she and my BIL are my age, my husband is three years older.

I started dating my now husband in early 2016. Near the end of 2016, around October/November time, Harry introduced us all to Daisy. Daisy asked how long I’d been with my now husband for at this point, and I said 10 months. She told me she’d been with Harry for two years. The family all thought this was unusual because none of them had ever met, seen, or heard of her before. She told my MIL and husband that she met Harry at a party, she told me she met him through tinder, and according to Harry, they met at university and had to go long distance for a while. To be honest I didn’t really care enough, so never thought twice about it until now.

When we got to 2019, my now husband proposed. Daisy was furious when we announced the news, and openly said she should have been engaged first because she’s been in a relationship longer. In 2019, my now husband and I also bought our first house. We had a housewarming party which Harry attended alone. Daisy and Harry started renting a house a few months after we bought our house. For a few years (2019 to 2022), she told everyone they had bought the house, and none of us questioned this. However, in 2022, she and Harry had to move in with my MIL as their landlord no longer wanted to lease the property, and this is when we all discovered she wasn’t truthful about owning the property. She does own a house with Harry now (or so she says). Harry never shares any details, Daisy does all the talking.

Also at the start of 2022, my husband and I got married. Daisy argued with Harry very publicly in our reception, telling him that she should have been the one getting married first, not me (they still weren’t engaged at this point, and still aren’t engaged now).

After our wedding, Daisy started asking me at every opportunity when I was planning on trying for a baby. Literally everyday she would ask me, and I always responded with ‘not just yet’. Eventually the constant questioning got to me, and I admitted to her that we’d been trying for a baby ever since we bought our house in 2019, and we were on a waiting list for fertility treatments via the NHS. She said she was sorry to hear this. A couple months later she texted me to say she was 4 weeks pregnant and it was a complete accident and she’s so surprised at how easily she got pregnant. I texted back ‘congratulations, I’m so happy for you’. I genuinely was, but didn’t agree with her letting me know it was an accident. I didn’t share this with her as I won’t let my rain dampen someone else’s parade, plus I pick and choose my battles and didn’t have the energy to fight it.
Around when Daisy was 8 weeks pregnant, she very sadly had a miscarriage and I was genuinely heartbroken for her. I sent her flowers and food packages, and wished her my love.
At the end of 2022, I found out by some complete miracle that I was pregnant. The chances of this happening for us naturally were next to none, so I was very weary of getting too excited. My husband texted Harry and Daisy the news when we got to 12 weeks (we texted as we didn’t want to tell them in public knowing they’d had a loss). Harry called to congratulate us and sounded genuinely pleased for us. My husband apologised for telling him over text but Harry said he understood and appreciated it. We never heard back from Daisy.

When I was around 6 months pregnant, my husband and I met up with my MIL, Harry and Daisy for lunch for MILs birthday. Daisy refused to look at me and blanked me when I said hello to her. After the lunch, my MIL asked my husband and I if we’d like to go baby clothes shopping with her (MIL was very excited about having a grandchild). We agreed and Harry also came along as he said he wanted to treat his future niece or nephew. Daisy meanwhile ran off to sit in Harry’s car for the duration of our shopping. I texted Daisy when we got home to ask if she was ok and she said that she didn’t appreciate me inviting everyone baby clothes shopping as it was really insensitive to her (baring in mind my MIL organised this, not me, and Harry was happy to come along). She also said that I was rubbing my pregnancy in her face by wearing a tight fitting dress, and that I should have worn something loose to hide my bump from her (I was wearing a flowy maternity dress). I apologised and we didn’t discuss it since.

When my baby was born, Daisy refused to meet her, and to this day she doesn’t even look at her or acknowledge she’s in the room. I get that she’s suffered a loss but I think this is unhealthy. My husband spoke with Harry about it, and Harry said that they’re not currently trying as neither of them want a baby yet, and have plans to travel before settling down. Last month however, Daisy told my MIL that I’ve mocked her for having a miscarriage (I never would and I’m still offended by this), and said that I’ve done nothing but bully her since the day we met. My MIL disregarded this immediately. She then showed my MIL a diary she’d kept since 2016, wherein she’s written down all the times I’ve “bullied” her (all complete lies - things like I’ve hit her, called her house ugly, etc). My MIL has never been overly keen on her as she tells small lies a lot (e.g., her salary changes constantly, there’s different versions of how she and Harry met, she said she was originally from Bradford then moved to Scotland as a child when she’s actually from Lancaster, she said her dad is a multi millionaire with a successful company but can’t say the company as it’s top secret, etc). I now think she’s trying to turn my MIL against me, which is sad as I have a lovely relationship with her (so far it’s not working, and is only making MIL dislike Daisy more).

I basically feel like Daisy doesn’t like me, and has wanted to be “first” at everything, and can’t cope that I was. I don’t care about being first, but I feel like she does. She’s still not engaged and I dread to think how she’ll act if it doesn’t happen soon. I’m really furious about this notebook though, I think it’s really weird behaviour, and I’m now starting to think that there’s something wrong with Daisy mentally. Everyone is just laughing it off but my blood is boiling over it. Should I confront Daisy? Or should I ignore her and totally cut her off? I don’t want to be anywhere near this woman anymore, I think she’s plain weird!

I wouldn't be surprized if she's abusive to your BIL but men can be really bad at seeing it. If you make Harry choose, you and his DB could end up cut off by him, which is what she wants.
Would Harry listen to his Mum if she told him some home truths about Daisy?

I have a SIL like this. I often describe her as someone who genuinely believes we do everything we do with her in mind if that makes sense? very sensitive to things that aren’t about her and it just makes it really awkward. We just avoid her as much as possible to be honest. Pass pleasantries and move on.

This is really concerning and Daisy needs professional help but honestly that’s not your issue right now - your concern is your child and your own well-being. I would avoid as I wouldn’t trust her not to do bigger damage -safest thing for you is not to be around her. Maybe your brother could check in on Harry to see if he needs support separately.

But they, especially your DH, should not be staying neutral. That would imply that it’s an argument and there are faults, or at least reasonable points of view, on both sides, whereas from what you’ve said it is completely one-sided.

I would want my DH to tell his brother exactly how things really stand, for the brother's sake as well as yours. I wonder if he knows about the diary with invented incidents, for instance. He must see that she ignores your baby, and must know, surely, that she lied about things like the house and where she comes from. Perhaps he needs support to free himself from her.

Oh wow she sounds so unstable...tbh you don't actually have to have anything to do with her c you don't have to be in anyone's life if they are bringing in some sort of negative inpact, I certainly wouldn't want my child near her alone at any point...please avoid her at all cost but let your BIL know your feelings ect I'm sure he will totally understand..wow she sounds like a right psycho

She sounds unwell.
I would be worried if I were Harry. He’s surely noticed something, perhaps he’s in denial. I’d keep my distance as much as possible OP.

I do think going shopping for baby clothes was insensitive, though I appreciate it wasn’t your idea. It would have been better to try and postpone that shopping trip imho.

I think you need to keep a record/diary or her behaviour towards you.

Her weird diary of lies is enough in itself to want to stay away from her, let alone everything else!

This is actually disturbing and without wanting to alarm you I would seriously not let her know when you've had your baby and try to avoid seeing her altogether.

Get your DH to tell your mil you are concerned about her obsession and stalker behaviour and do not want to see her, do not want her knowing when the baby is born.

She probably went in the hospital and sat in the cafe for 30mins.

Do not let your DC be alone with her ever.

While this has been your experience you do realise it won’t be the same for everyone? I’ve have multiple miscarriages and have had hospital intervention with some. I’ve had medical intervention (tablets to help pass retained tissue) and have been ‘dropped off’ at a day hospital clinic for a d&c which is considered surgical intervention.

Please don’t discount other people’s’ experiences just because they’re not the same as yours.

It's easy to say ignore etc. But she is slandering you to your family, with some quite serious allegations including violence...who knows who else she is saying things to. What if she gets backed into a corner (someone says why didn't you go to the police when she hit you, and then she feels she has to follow it through?) What if these rumours reach where you work etc?

In case it escalates I wonder if it would be worth getting legal advice? Maybe a solicitors letter to tell her to stop slandering you would help?

At the very least you should make sure you are never ever on your own with her. What if she gets on the floor then shouts to everyone that you've pushed her or something?

I wouldn't worry about her turning your mother in law against you though...it doesn't sound like she believes any of it

My first thought on reading was that she didn't have a miscarriage, most people wouldn't test after accidentally (so not knowing) you were pregnant...at 4 weeks. It seems like she is a compulsive liar

Don't give her any more thought. She's obviously debilitated by a great many issues.

Her words and behaviour will speak her personality to the other people in your lives, leaving nothing further for you to do.

Also be aware people like this are the type of person to make false allegations to social services. Which is one of the reasons I think that having something on record with a solicitor that you've already formally requested she stops lying about you / you've gone to the police, would be good evidence to show that it's malicious and not 'out of concern'

She is not worth all this drama and headspace, cut her off and stay away from her, and if MIL is stupid enough to fall for her obvious bullshit and lies then adios MIL.

Life is too short to spend it trying to appease idiots and stop giving her any information about you. You have your hands full with your baby, that's your priority not SIL.

Exaggerations, off the cuff twisting the facts in her favour, are one thing, Keeping a diary of lies about you since 2016 is a whole other ballgame.

I doubt you can change her mind or appease her and therefore I would keep as far away from her as possible. Your MIL will understand why.

Really, your DH and MIL should tell Harry. He needs to know. She needs medical help probably.

This is awful for you OP, its horrible to be picked on and lied about like this. I agree with others, don't ever let her be alone with DD.

Your DH needs to talk to his brother about all this, just in case he isn't aware of the extent of it, especially the fake diary. If the brother knows and stays with Daisy they are going to end up almost completely out of your life, since all you can do is cut all but essential contact. Is it possible Harry is so unaware?

She a lying loon so unless you confront her in front of the rest of your family she will lie about it. MIL already knows she’s a liar so she will not be able to come between you. MIL sounds lovely and wise. Your poor BIL though - that’s a case of love b ing deaf, dumb and blind. But he’s not been pressured into getting engaged and married yet so there’s hope. I bet he wears th tightest possible pants.

Merry Christmas 🫣

It’s quite apt that she’s from Lancaster which is situated on the River Lune.
Stay away from her, keep your dc safe.

She needs to be called out on her behaviour. Every. Single. Time.
“You’ve spent a lot of time writing that Deirdre, but it doesn’t mean it’s true. None of this ever happened, did it?”
”Except that’s not what happened, is it Deirdre? MIL asked us to go shopping for the baby, not me. We’re not humoring you anymore.”
I think you, DH and MIL need to sit down with DBIL and discuss the book and the pregnancy stuff and let him know exactly how batshit she is and let him know that hiding his head in the sand is getting potentially dangerous. She needs help.

Daisy has issues. Don't make her issues your issues.
And for your own sake have as little to do with her as possible.

I think if OP goes this route she needs to sit down with DH and MIL first and make sure they are all on the same page. They probably are but at the moment everyone is looking the other way and not acknowledging it so as not to upset BIL, and there is a big risk that without a united front it will push him further away.

Yep I also suspect she said she was pregnant to stick the knife in with you, and the “miscarriage” was because it was about to become clear she wasn’t actually pregnant. Sick, but people do absolutely lie about this kind of thing for various reasons. Did Harry ever acknowledge the MC? Or the pregnancy?

I wouldn’t say unwell. There are just some horrible people out there 😢

Maybe Daisy was after a proposal with the pregnancy lie? She didn’t get one, she must be on a rampage in her head.

Daisy had a mental timeline, dating a year, then engagement, few more months then wedding and a baby soon after that, she's focusing all the weirdness on you because you cheated (in her eyes). You got engaged too soon, then married and had a child, you stole her thunder at every turn, you're the reason why she's unhappy and she needs to punish you and wants everyone else to join in.
I'm afraid Daisy has a PD, she lies about everything and she can't bare to be second best- the fact your BIL hasn't asked her to marry him must make her livid.
Don't trust her Op, you've become her mortal enemy and she'll only get more vengeful as time goes on