My crazy SIL

[Username98337]

This is massive sorry but I need to let it out somewhere. I’ve had issues with my SIL (BILs girlfriend) since the day I met her. For ease, we’ll call her Daisy and we’ll call BIL Harry. For context, she and my BIL are my age, my husband is three years older.

I started dating my now husband in early 2016. Near the end of 2016, around October/November time, Harry introduced us all to Daisy. Daisy asked how long I’d been with my now husband for at this point, and I said 10 months. She told me she’d been with Harry for two years. The family all thought this was unusual because none of them had ever met, seen, or heard of her before. She told my MIL and husband that she met Harry at a party, she told me she met him through tinder, and according to Harry, they met at university and had to go long distance for a while. To be honest I didn’t really care enough, so never thought twice about it until now.

When we got to 2019, my now husband proposed. Daisy was furious when we announced the news, and openly said she should have been engaged first because she’s been in a relationship longer. In 2019, my now husband and I also bought our first house. We had a housewarming party which Harry attended alone. Daisy and Harry started renting a house a few months after we bought our house. For a few years (2019 to 2022), she told everyone they had bought the house, and none of us questioned this. However, in 2022, she and Harry had to move in with my MIL as their landlord no longer wanted to lease the property, and this is when we all discovered she wasn’t truthful about owning the property. She does own a house with Harry now (or so she says). Harry never shares any details, Daisy does all the talking.

Also at the start of 2022, my husband and I got married. Daisy argued with Harry very publicly in our reception, telling him that she should have been the one getting married first, not me (they still weren’t engaged at this point, and still aren’t engaged now).

After our wedding, Daisy started asking me at every opportunity when I was planning on trying for a baby. Literally everyday she would ask me, and I always responded with ‘not just yet’. Eventually the constant questioning got to me, and I admitted to her that we’d been trying for a baby ever since we bought our house in 2019, and we were on a waiting list for fertility treatments via the NHS. She said she was sorry to hear this. A couple months later she texted me to say she was 4 weeks pregnant and it was a complete accident and she’s so surprised at how easily she got pregnant. I texted back ‘congratulations, I’m so happy for you’. I genuinely was, but didn’t agree with her letting me know it was an accident. I didn’t share this with her as I won’t let my rain dampen someone else’s parade, plus I pick and choose my battles and didn’t have the energy to fight it.
Around when Daisy was 8 weeks pregnant, she very sadly had a miscarriage and I was genuinely heartbroken for her. I sent her flowers and food packages, and wished her my love.
At the end of 2022, I found out by some complete miracle that I was pregnant. The chances of this happening for us naturally were next to none, so I was very weary of getting too excited. My husband texted Harry and Daisy the news when we got to 12 weeks (we texted as we didn’t want to tell them in public knowing they’d had a loss). Harry called to congratulate us and sounded genuinely pleased for us. My husband apologised for telling him over text but Harry said he understood and appreciated it. We never heard back from Daisy.

When I was around 6 months pregnant, my husband and I met up with my MIL, Harry and Daisy for lunch for MILs birthday. Daisy refused to look at me and blanked me when I said hello to her. After the lunch, my MIL asked my husband and I if we’d like to go baby clothes shopping with her (MIL was very excited about having a grandchild). We agreed and Harry also came along as he said he wanted to treat his future niece or nephew. Daisy meanwhile ran off to sit in Harry’s car for the duration of our shopping. I texted Daisy when we got home to ask if she was ok and she said that she didn’t appreciate me inviting everyone baby clothes shopping as it was really insensitive to her (baring in mind my MIL organised this, not me, and Harry was happy to come along). She also said that I was rubbing my pregnancy in her face by wearing a tight fitting dress, and that I should have worn something loose to hide my bump from her (I was wearing a flowy maternity dress). I apologised and we didn’t discuss it since.

When my baby was born, Daisy refused to meet her, and to this day she doesn’t even look at her or acknowledge she’s in the room. I get that she’s suffered a loss but I think this is unhealthy. My husband spoke with Harry about it, and Harry said that they’re not currently trying as neither of them want a baby yet, and have plans to travel before settling down. Last month however, Daisy told my MIL that I’ve mocked her for having a miscarriage (I never would and I’m still offended by this), and said that I’ve done nothing but bully her since the day we met. My MIL disregarded this immediately. She then showed my MIL a diary she’d kept since 2016, wherein she’s written down all the times I’ve “bullied” her (all complete lies - things like I’ve hit her, called her house ugly, etc). My MIL has never been overly keen on her as she tells small lies a lot (e.g., her salary changes constantly, there’s different versions of how she and Harry met, she said she was originally from Bradford then moved to Scotland as a child when she’s actually from Lancaster, she said her dad is a multi millionaire with a successful company but can’t say the company as it’s top secret, etc). I now think she’s trying to turn my MIL against me, which is sad as I have a lovely relationship with her (so far it’s not working, and is only making MIL dislike Daisy more).

I basically feel like Daisy doesn’t like me, and has wanted to be “first” at everything, and can’t cope that I was. I don’t care about being first, but I feel like she does. She’s still not engaged and I dread to think how she’ll act if it doesn’t happen soon. I’m really furious about this notebook though, I think it’s really weird behaviour, and I’m now starting to think that there’s something wrong with Daisy mentally. Everyone is just laughing it off but my blood is boiling over it. Should I confront Daisy? Or should I ignore her and totally cut her off? I don’t want to be anywhere near this woman anymore, I think she’s plain weird!

Shes bonkers. I had multiple loses while my brothers gf if you blink at her she'd be pregnant so I am familiar with how hard that is. Eventually i had my dd but it took many years of watching every one else. But Daisy is 1000% batshit. You have done not a single thing wrong.

I would silently withdraw. You don’t want someone that batshit and jealous around your baby. I would make excuses not to see her one on one, your husband and BIL can meet without you and her- encourage ‘boys afternoons.’ Only meet up if there is a group of people so she can’t keep making ridiculous allegations against you. It’s good you and MIL are close, it’s unlikely she’ll be able to come between you and you are the one having a grandchild!

I hate to say it but this was my first thought too.

I’ve had multiple miscarriages. My first miscarriage was at 6 weeks. I went to EPU after a few days of spotting, they scanned me and there was nothing there. No signs of pregnancy. I was already testing negative on the at home tests. Did a dip test and that was negative too. They made me come back a week later for a blood test to make sure my HCG was below 5 as this would basically rule out an ectopic. It was zero. The only evidence they had was my bleeding (which could have been my period if you think about it) and my positive pregnancy tests (which could have come from anywhere). This was still recorded as a miscarriage on my medical record.

Ugh I feel so bad for you. You sound like a nice normal person trying to manage all of this best you can. Daisy is clearly unhinged. As others have said I'd withdraw and at the very least tell her nothing about your life, however I'd have a word with your DH and MIL to say all of the drama she's trying to create and overt jealousy is making you feel very uncomfortable and if you could meet your ILS separately from Daisy + Harry where possible until she is feeling better (probably never but show willing). Emphasise that your relationship with the family is very important to you so you're doing this for the sake of you all. She sounds very immature.

Agree with this. He’s scared and ashamed and so has his head in the sand. The MiL and your H need to stage an intervention and let him know about her lies. She is not well at all and sounds dangerous. Please look after yourself and when people laugh tell them it’s not funny to you, it’s actually frightening. And you need their support. I bet the miscarriage was a lie for attention too. She sounds absolutely horrible and Harry needs to get out

This has been posted recently in a slightly different way.

I think we might have the same SIL op.

Mine are seriously batshit too. I had to go no contact with them in the end after one told me to drop my kid of at her house and never come back so she could raise the baby.

That's not even the craziest thing my husbands family have done. Utter cranks the lot of them.

I know someone who did this, her husband dropped her off at the hospital for "miscarriage surgery" but she swore up and down that husbands/partners etc werent allowed in. So he grieved for their lost baby. Except she was never pregnant, this came out years later when she got pissed and admitted it. She was similar to your SIL wanted to have all the firsts and when that didnt happen she tried to make the other sisters pregnancy still be all about her.

To this day her ex still believes that she managed to have 2 miscarriages in 6 weeks, both coinciding with other family members announcing pregnancies.

I think you need to be careful here. Especially as you have a young child. It sounds like SIL needs help, but this isn’t your issue to solve. Just keep yourself and your child safe. You need to cut contact. Talk to your MIL, it sounds like she understands what is going on, so will hopefully you and your child can stop going to anything she will be at. I would also put a note on file that this person cannot pick your child up if they attend nursery.

She’s not only batshit, she’s a sideways bunny boiler.
She’s got it in for you and it has nothing to do with a man.
Stay TF away from her.

She's fucking mental

Someone could drop me off at the front door of my city hospital and by the time I walked through it to the back where the bus stop is, the drop off driver would be half way round the bypass. Also, the rental property that she claimed they bought? Did no one think the lack of family chat (especially between the brothers, who are close) about the viewing/buying process and the fact they didn't really want to change a thing about it was odd (they just moved their stuff in - assuming it was unfurnished)? Who, having met someone a few times over the course of two months decides to keep a notebook of their perceived misdemeanours? All very odd.

I would cut all contact with her.
I would explain to MIL that you'll be doing this and give your reasons why. Explain that you'll never get in the way of her relationship with Daisy but you personally cannot tolerate being lied about in such a vicious way.

I think op the diary alone is enough that I'd have nothing more to do with her, she sounds dangerous and I honestly think people like that can do a lot of damage with very little, so I'd be inclined to encourage you to go no contact unless you are around other people. I'd have nothing to do with her alone or any one on one conversations so that there is always a witness. She sounds deeply troubled and I would talk to your dh about your concerns for Harry. I'd suggest your dh tries to continue spending time alone with Harry without her there so he has the space to talk openly if he needs to.

Surely your DH talks to Harry and asks WTF? She sounds crazy, if she’s making up this nonsense about you what other stuff is she up to. Harry should be helped to get away from her. In your case I’d go NC with her and be clear to other family members why. Sounds like MIL is completely aware of her now.

She's dangerous. stay away from her completely. No more lunches with MIL if her and BIL are coming. I would avoid all intimate family gatherings if she's there. I would block her on WhatsApp and all other messaging apps now so that she cannot contact you.

On my way out atm so couldn’t read it all. Just to say this sounds exactly like my experience of ex SIL. Malignant narcissist. Always at the back of anything happening. Never announcing anything with my lovely brother there. I only regret not telling him to run for the hills. He passed away two years ago. They’d separated but it was horrible. You cannot win with her. He cannot win with her. The only thing to do is ignore. Which is soooooo effin hard

As an example both times whilst they were living with my parents, then in a caravan she announced she was pregnant when I was. Then when my other brother announced he was getting married, she announced they were and date set for 2 months after because her grandad was dying (he wasn’t, and ten years later he’s still here).

There are no words for how strongly I feel about her. And certainly none I can use on here, but, if it wasn’t for the dates I would’ve thought you were talking about her and she was still playing the same games. she is with someone else now, and he seems to be the only stability the children have. If it was t got that I’d be writing to him, telling him to run because she’ll ruin his f’ing life. She’d love that though. I hope one day I get my say

Should also add that she was obsessed with the dates and how long we’d all been together and did the same thing with comparing weddings, babies etc. we’d all got together within a year of each other but sged often change the dates for her convenience thinking we’d give a sht. I’ve got an Arya stark style grudge list on my phone of all the shitty things she did. It’s unbelievable

I had 3 at this stage. All removed surgically.
still my first thought was this is a lie
She’s batshit crazy - keep at a huge distance but keep loving Harry

My god…another thing my Ex SIL did. Honestly. If I read the list out, no one would believe me. She would go to any lengths and trample anyone to be the centre of attention. I’m sure she had munchausens (and by proxy with my nieces health) It was an abusive relationship. Financial and coercive. My B just wanted a quiet life

Am so sorry for your losses 🫂. Clearly I received a different standard of care for mine :(

Not sure ‘batshit’ actually covers this SIL!

She sounds unwell, can someone put all this together for Harry to see the picture?

I'd be protecting myself. Do some grey rock, make yourself as uninteresting to her as possible and don't tell her any information about yourself or your child that you don't have to. Avoid being alone with her etc. I get wanting to confront her but I doubt it would work.

I would tell DH & MIL that in light of how she treats your child, and that she's making allegations about your behaviour, you aren't willing to see her moving forward as it's unsafe for you and unfair for your child. I genuinely cant see any other option where you aren't just being thrown under the bus to avoid upsetting Harry!

Harry needs to open his eyes, because Daisy is going to (continue to) be a perpetual irritant in his relationship with his wider family.

I had a friend, back in my late teens, who was always making shit up. Stories would change, details would be different from one week to the next etc. And it was almost everything - from what car his Dad drove to what subjects he’d done at school. It got to the point where, if he had told me he had cancer, I wouldn’t have believed him without seeing his medical records first hand.

It must be a weirdly stressful life to live. All very Walter Mitty.