Having a hard time accepting he’s still happy

[BellaCat125]

I’m in a relationship with a lovely man, we have been together over 2 years now. I’ve had my fair share of struggles but generally we are happy and loving towards each other.

My mental health has struggled the last few months for various reasons. I struggle a lot with my self esteem and also overthinking. This has sometimes led to arguments as my boyfriend feels unheard and that I don’t believe what he has to say. He also gets frustrated when I assume things (eg “you don’t seem as happy as you used to be”) rather than just asking if everything is ok. He said I get it wrong every time.

Last night I got upset because I felt he’d been a little distant. We also had some pictures taken where we went out last night.
He didn’t look very happy in them, just kind of grimacing, and it made me think of old pictures where he looked so happy and in love. He also never takes pics of me anymore.

So I brought this up and told him I am worried about his feelings fading
He said he has been very exhausted from work, and stressed about Christmas.

I also questioned whether he is sexually attracted to me (this ends up happening every month during my period, when nothing happens”.
He became annoyed, saying that I never listen to him and always make assumptions. He also said I always have the same convo each month and “always have these stupid conversations before bed”.

I then felt extremely guilty and this made me worry even more that hes not happy. But, he said he is generally happy in the relationship and these things don’t happen very often.

Now in my head I don’t understand how he can say these things, but also be “really happy” in the relationship. He said he would talk to me if he wasn’t happy, but that there is no need to.

So how do I just accept this and get off his back when literally every tiny thing worries me?!

You should try listening to what he is telling you- he's fine and will tell you if he isn't.
Are you generally an anxious person? If so then maybe you need to work on/get help with that.

It's probably frustrating for him because you are reading things into his behaviour that aren't there. Then not believing him when he tells you.

Honestly this sounds exhausting for him.

You will push him away if you don’t work on your issues.

Sorry but you sound like hard work. You need to work on your self esteem

I absolutely know I am hard work and I am trying so hard to be better. I have therapy booked for January I thought it was worth investing in.
I just know that I have pissed him off at times, like yesterday, so I just don’t get why he’s still here??

If you’re trying to push him away, you’re doing brilliantly.

If not, you sound waaay too intense and needy. It sounds pretty intolerable for him, so maybe that’s why he doesn’t appear happy?

You know... I am a big believer that we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to anxiety.

But, I also believe that if we are More anxious around someone then there is usually a reason.

I've seen this time and time again. The person is told to work on their anxiety, to fix their attachment style etc.

But at the end of the day the partner either wasn't giving them what they need or wasn't emotionally compatible.

I have an anxious attachment style and abandonment issues due to being adopted.

I am like night and day depending on the person I am in relationship with. The only thing that changes is how they communicate with me and how consistent they are.

With my now DH I am so laid back I am almost horizontal.

With other guys I have been sending tearful voice notes and thinking constantly that they aren't happy or their tone of voice was different etc etc etc.

I've seen this happen with friends so often too. Yes they (we) need to be accountable for our anxiety, but also it is fascinating how all of those worries "suddenly" go away with different people.

Why does every tiny thing worry you? That’s what you need to think about and work on, not bombard him with questions to satisfy your anxiety (which never works anyway)

You need to do something about your self-esteem and general mental health issues. It's ok to acknowledge them as the reason you have these worries but it's not an excuse to keep having the same conversations with him.

As a start, try and change the narrative in your own head. Remind yourself that you have the "not attracted" worry during your period and it's ok. Initiate non-sexual intimacy if you feel like it - cuddles, massage, hold hands. So you still feel connected.

If you find yourself starting the "are you ok?" conversation try and start by asking how he is coping with work, has his workload gotten any better etc. So it's about how he is actually feeling rather than making assumptions.

I just know that I have pissed him off at times, like yesterday, so I just don’t get why he’s still here??

Because someone is allowed to be a bit annoyed, but still love you.

I don't like DH every moment of every day, there are many times I wish he would just go away for an hour or 2 - especially after having 5 years of living alone before we met, I like alone time, that doesn't mean I don't love him and don't want to be with him - it just means I am also a person in my own right with my own thoughts and feelings.

are you at your happiest every moment of every day?

Do you cut everyone out of your life who pisses you off occasionally? I’m sure I piss my DH off regularly, and he does me, but we’re still happily married.

Drop it. If you bring this up monthly just before bed, you are being insecure and needy and it’s pissing him off (understandably)

Late night is not the time to start these conversations.
”Every month” following your cycle indicates it’s your hormones. That’s for you to manage.
It’s nearly Christmas, lots of people are very stressed and busy.

You sound exhausting!

You think you're not worthy of a relationship that's happy for whatever reason so you're sabotaging this.

He can be stressed with work but still be happy overall, you can not have sex for the week you're on your period and he still find you sexually attractive.

Run to those therapy sessions and see your GP about your hormones.

Stop making everything so hard for yourself and him.

I completely agree with this. Yes, you have your anxieties, but the way he's responding - defensively, not with warm reassurance - is making you spiral.

When you say to him "you don't seem as happy as you used to be", that's not you making an assumption - it's you sharing what you have observed, and implicitly inviting him to comment (you've said "you don't seem", not "you're not"). That seems like a much more constructive communication style than just asking him "is everything OK?".

Rather than worrying about whether or not he is happy - flip the focus; are you happy? I wouldn't be happy if my worries were met with his attitude. You've tried talking to him, and he's not receptive. It may be time to take your happiness into your own hands.

It gets more difficult to respond with warm reassurance though after a while of constant second guessing. I have lived with an anxious person and you can never reassure them enough.

Fair. Hard to know, based on the OP, where the balance is in that relationship. I do think, generally speaking, it is easier and more effective to reassure someone when your heart is really in it (not a criticism). Sometimes people keep needing it because they're not getting the authentic reassurance they need, from the right person. If the boyfriend here actually is losing interest, then his reassurances are going to be less convincing and so she'll keep coming back to him wanting more... And so the cycle continues.

We just can't know whether the OP's instincts are spot-on and the boyfriend is emotionally checking out of the relationship, or whether the problems are "all in her head"... But our instincts very often are right when it comes to men, so I'm wary of e.g. suggestions her hormones are at fault (it's him who won't sleep with her on her period, right? Not her randomly being insecure at that time of the month).

It's notable, I think, that she's more insecure as time has gone on. When I've been insecure in a relationship, it was at the start and went away with time, as the man showed himself to be trustworthy and loving.

You've said this far better than I did! Thank you :)

A few warm, understanding and kind responses from my DH in the beginning showed me I was free to bring up any worries. That freedom took away a lot of the hypervigilence because I knew I could go to him at any time. It wasn't a big deal at all.

He also acknowledged when things were different, rather than pretending and making me feel crazy. He was very, very honest if he was sad, depressed, feeling disconnected from me or unhappy with me etc.

Because of that honestly I can trust his responses when I ask him something.

Everyone is different but I can absolutely be reassured "enough"... And I think most people probably can be too, with the right person.

And my DH being consistent with me means that I would say I am not anxious about our relationship at all now. I have a very secure attachment to him.

I was bloody miserable with the men who didn't treat me like this and I lived on a toxic rollercoaster of breadcrumbs.

I just saw your second comment.

"It's notable, I think, that she's more insecure as time has gone on. When I've been insecure in a relationship, it was at the start and went away with time, as the man showed himself to be trustworthy and loving."

THIS THIS THIS!!!

So you constnatly complain because you're not having sex during your period instead of just realising that perhaps that's not a good time? YOu don't take him at face vallue when he tells you things are fine. You expect him to be permanently smiley and happy and if he's not it's a huge trauma?

Sorry OP, but yes, you are the problem here. Do your insecurities play out in other ways? Do you text him constantly when you're apart and/or spiral if you don' thear from him? Do you get stressed if he so much as talks to another woman? Do you get angry/upset/sulky if he doesn't greet you enthusiastically enough?

Oh, and as for bed time chat... I hate this because at night I'm tired and DH respects that I just really need to be left to go to bed at night time becuase otherwise I'm awake for mhours. ALso, lat at night for people who can be a bit anxious often turns into a whole spiral of unhappiness and stress. So I don't allow my children to do it.

I think it's the right choice to get therapy as it really helped me in my similar thought processes.

It's very common for those of us with anxiety to seek near constant validation, but it's actually very damaging - partly because it isn't sustainable for those close to us, and partly because you end up in the situation where no amount of reassurance is ever enough! You need to learn techniques to validate yourself without needing so much external validation from others.

It can also be really helpful to talk with a therapist about what you need from your partner. It really helped me and my DH that I spent time with my therapist working on different techniques to help myself, but also being able to articulate what I need from him. So I make an effort to not use him for constant validation BUT he knows when I do come to him, I need him to respond in a certain way that shows he's listening to me properly and not giving a flippant answer. That then positively cycles because when I do seek validation from him, I get it in a very effective way, so I need it even less often! Win-win!

Because presumably he loves you and isn’t going to throw a whole relationship away just because you’re a bit annoying sometimes.

Honestly, reading your OP made me feel exhausted so I see why it’s draining for your partner. Why can’t you just believe him in what he says? Do you know everything? No - so just trust that you could be wrong and he could be telling the truth!

Things like asking him the same stuff every month when you have your period - you know that’s what’s happening, and you’re the only one who can stop it. Can you write it down or text it to a close mate or something instead of asking him again?

It sounds like you’re nearly trying to drive him away to prove yourself right. It’s a foolish and risky game to play.

He's going to end up walking away if you keep pushing, OP. Listen to him.

I hope therapy works for you. You must be exhausted, and it will be exhausting for him.

Do you have PMDD? I think you need to speak to someone about how to manage this

You don't seem very happy in this relationship either. So why are you still there? Probably similar reasons as him.

This is unfair to your boyfriend. Is he supposed to maintain a happy face all day long? Never allowed to show he is tired, or had a bad day at work, or is annoyed about some trivial thing, without you turning it round to being about you? Never allowed to be annoyed you left dirty dishes because you think annoyance at you signifies the end of the relationship?