Having a hard time accepting he’s still happy

[BellaCat125]

I’m in a relationship with a lovely man, we have been together over 2 years now. I’ve had my fair share of struggles but generally we are happy and loving towards each other.

My mental health has struggled the last few months for various reasons. I struggle a lot with my self esteem and also overthinking. This has sometimes led to arguments as my boyfriend feels unheard and that I don’t believe what he has to say. He also gets frustrated when I assume things (eg “you don’t seem as happy as you used to be”) rather than just asking if everything is ok. He said I get it wrong every time.

Last night I got upset because I felt he’d been a little distant. We also had some pictures taken where we went out last night.
He didn’t look very happy in them, just kind of grimacing, and it made me think of old pictures where he looked so happy and in love. He also never takes pics of me anymore.

So I brought this up and told him I am worried about his feelings fading
He said he has been very exhausted from work, and stressed about Christmas.

I also questioned whether he is sexually attracted to me (this ends up happening every month during my period, when nothing happens”.
He became annoyed, saying that I never listen to him and always make assumptions. He also said I always have the same convo each month and “always have these stupid conversations before bed”.

I then felt extremely guilty and this made me worry even more that hes not happy. But, he said he is generally happy in the relationship and these things don’t happen very often.

Now in my head I don’t understand how he can say these things, but also be “really happy” in the relationship. He said he would talk to me if he wasn’t happy, but that there is no need to.

So how do I just accept this and get off his back when literally every tiny thing worries me?!

It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style and low self esteem. Hopefully your therapist will explore both with you as it’s not fair to continuously expect your partner to take responsibility for managing your insecurity. You’ll also never improve your patterns of behaviour while you’re reliant on external sources to feel happy and secure.

You are being extremely unreasonable and he must be utterly exhausted dealing with this.

If my boyfriend was scrutinising photos and questioning whether I looked happy in them, was accusing me of not being attracted to him, constantly reading stuff into every little thing and then NOT EVEN BELIEVING ME when I told him the truth, I would have dumped him by now. It would drive me absolutely up the wall.

There is nothing he can do that you would believe or accept. Surely you can see that you're putting him in an awful position? This isn't healthy and you need to deal with your own mental health issues and work on them instead of making him responsible for your mood all the time.

Sounds like you are pushing him away to make him prove he loves you by staying.

Frankly you dont sound like you are emotionally ready for a relationship right now. You cant be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself. I would expadite the therapy and maybe have a break from him if you cant be a proper partner to him.

who knows if your instincts are picking up on subtle signs he’s not happy with you or if it’s a story your anxiety is telling you. Either way the most important thing you can do is acknowledge how you feel and ask for/take what you need. You can already reflect after the event so you’re on your way to getting control of this. Talk to the GP as there may be a hormonal aspect to this, and therapy to explore your thinking. Try to notice when the insecurity is showing up and causing you to behave needy- and instead say to yourself (or your partner) sorry, I’m feeling insecure right now. I need to go do x,y,z to feel myself again. Learn some self soothing strategies for yourself to help you feel safe for when you’re feeling insecure and worrying about things that have happened and practice them. Breathing, meditation, journaling, exercise etc. I feel for you OP I bet this thread is hard to read and triggering those anxious feelings (the advice here can be v straight talking!) so it’s a perfect opportunity to notice how you feel, acknowledge where it is in your body and breathe until you can think a little straighter. I think the relationship is a red herring here, put your energy into caring about yourself, how you feel and how much love yourself, its the foundation for everything

I agree with others you sound like hard work and acting like a child.
You will push him away in the end if you dont get a grip.

Do you want to lose this man? If you do, you're going the right about it. Learn to keep your mouth shut about crap going on only in your own head.

I think other posters are being a bit harsh especially saying you're acting like a child. It sounds like you're struggling with anxiety and this makes every single thing feel massive. I have anxiety and depression and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and a part of that is rejection sensitivity disorder meaning I'm convinced everyone hates me / is going to leave basically. It's really difficult and you even realise that you're pushing them away like self sabotaging because "they'll leave eventually anyway" therapy sounds like a good idea and maybe try some anxiety medication too, maybe explain all of this to your partner (not at night or when they've just come home from work because this is never ideal for a discussion) and explain that you understand how your behaviour is affecting them, this is the reasons you feel like this and you understand it's you and not them as they (hopefully) prove / show you they're someone to trust and you are doing X y and z to improve this situation and appreciate some warmth and a listening ear during it and if course give him the space and ear to discuss how he's feeling about it too. I am someone who focuses on the smallest of details so if I think my husband's tone even slightly changes or his face slightly drops I've done something wrong (he's never portrayed this it's just how I feel with everyone and always have) we got to the point where he promised if there's anything at all he will tell me so I don't have to sit and spiral basically making up scenarios as to why he's changed or hates me 🙃 after a wee while it definitely has worked and I'm a lot calmer (along with meds and therapy). X

Also meant to add since it's always the same time of the month / period time etc it may be hormonal too? Get your thyroid checked and even look up pmdd x