Upset husband went through my phone

[amithefool]

Hello I want to know if I aibu

I fell asleep last night and heard my phone go to night mode but couldn't find it in the bed
It was around 930pm
I was being repeatedly disturbed by my husband watching tv loudly
I have said I don't want him to go through my phone
I woke up at 11pm or later and he wasn't in the bed I went and found him randomly in the kitchen with his phone and I spotted mine in a corner of the kitchen
I asked if he went through my phone and said he did related to a hobby we have on the app
This morning my emails were logged out my phone and I see that he's logged in on his phone
He is throwing all the blame on me
Why are you so protective over your phone
What are you panicking about
Why are you so secretive

He said this morning when I asked again if he was in my emails and said I thought I was hacked that he was logging into our mortgage portal
However I don't want to progress a new mortgage as we haven't been getting on and he knows this as I've discussed with him many times

I am so upset with him and so dissapointed
We need therapy and I keep telling him I'm hating our marriage and it's abusive
I don't know if I'm being over sensitive
He always says I make a big deal out of things and I over think
I just want to know about the phone and if I am being ridiculous to feel invaded and now victim blamed

No apology btw

Nobody should be looking through another person's phone. This is a breach of privacy and something that can be reported to the police is you chose to do so. Whether or not they will do something about it is another matter, of course. But he is acting unlawfully.
Computer Misuse Act and Data Protection Act will give you more information.

Sounds awful in many ways not least the phone. I would never let anyone use my phone because I want my privacy and also to respect the privacy of people who have messaged it emailed me thinking it is only to me

Can you use biometrics fingerprint unlock only for everything

You won’t get an apology because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. I’d be willing to guess that he’s blaming you for you not getting on recently and wants to know exactly what you’re doing and saying. It’s far easier for him to blame you than address his own behaviour.

Childish, but I'd be taking a look through his phone. Why does he know your passcode anyway? Why doesn't he have the app on his phone?

I think the phone may be the least of your issues though.

I don't think anyone should go through someone else's phone, but generally speaking on mumsnet it's considered normal behaviour to go through a partner's phone if they are displaying any behaviour that you find suspicious.

One of the criteria for suspicious behaviour seems to be having any sort of protection on your phone to stop this, or objecting to someone going through your phone.

Well going through a phone is a big no from me but it is actively encouraged by most posters on here if an OP has any slight doubt about their marriage.

Of course he shouldn't be going through your phone or doing anything about your (presumably joint?) mortgage without your agreement.

You've already said you think your marriage is abusive. You know what he did was wrong. Clearly there are other issues apart from the phone thing. You need to leave him. But the first thing you need to do is change the passcode to your phone and make sure it's set to lock automatically when not in use. Set up face/fingerprint recognition if the phone has those features. Change your social media and email passwords too.

He could easily use that when she's asleep. OP, you need to change your passwords on absolutely everything and change your login on your phone.

You can't fix an abusive relationship with therapy. Don't try.

It's perfectly normal on here, well for a woman to do it that is anyway

Don't have therapy as a couple - but do get some that's just for you.
Set up biometrics on your phone and log out of every other device too eg if you have a laptop or tablet.
Change all your passwords.
Make a plan to leave.

He's probably telling himself you must be cheating or you're being suspicious as that's easier than addressing what is actually going wrong in your relationship and looking inwards at his own behaviour.

@amithefool i would take the phone into a shop and get them to wipe it clean. wouldnt put it past him to have put on a program to track your every move, email, call and message!!

Yes! If your ‘spidey senses’ are tingling, it’s perfectly acceptable to go through your partners phone 🤷🏼‍♀️

Log in to your email account and there should be an option on the settings somewhere that says 'log out on all devices' or something similar to that which should kick him out. Change your password while you're at it. Then ditch the prick

You said you haven't been getting on. Do you think he could think you are having an affair - going through your phone trying to find something? Mind you I normally find that someone looking for something to pin on someone is normally the guilty party - just a thought

MN is so weird on the going through phones thing. Its fine for women to do it if she is suspicious but as soon as the man does it, its not right and a red flag. He's obviously suspicious considering the questions he asked after you found out.

I think the main thing here is you asked him not too and he has anyway rather than the action itself.

Personally I have nothing to hide so don't care if my husband goes through my phone though. We have an app we can track where each other is voluntarily which apparently is a no go on MN. So maybe I dont get as much as other people.

First up, you aren’t ’making a big deal’ of this. You’ve effectively been accused of being a deceptive liar and a cheat, in actions rather than words. Why else is he sneaking your phone away in the dark and going through it, unless he’s convinced himself you need spying on?

If your behaviour had been odd - cold, distant, baliffs showing, strange calls - I’d kind of understand any partner worrying and feeling the need to have a look at your phone. So many people get caught this way. But you’ve not done anything at all and he’s not even embarrassed or ashamed to have wrongly accused you. Instead he’s trying to make it an issue with you overreacting rather than an issue with him being controlling. It’s totally unacceptable from him.

I don't want to progress a new mortgage as we haven't been getting on and he knows this as I've discussed with him many times

We need therapy

I keep telling him I'm hating our marriage and it's abusive

I feel invaded and now victim blamed

This isn't about the phone, is it.

Therapy won't change personality or lifelong attitudes.

Step away from the phone business and look at the marriage as a whole.

Everything.

Depending on on your age, this is your life for the next twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years ...

Do you want that?

It's not compulsory.

You need to check he hasn't responded as you to emails about any potential remortgage considering you have recently said you do not agree to any refinancing. This could be why he was in your emails and has tried to have access to them on his phone.

Change your pin
Add face or fingerprint ID

My OH and I have been together for 17 years, and we both have access to each others phones - it's been useful on a few occasions when our own phones aren't available or we have our hands full and need something checking.

But we'd never look through each others email or other messages.

It's not paranoid or excessive to be upset about it.

Tit for tat... If he uses the 'why are you making such a big deal, do you have something to hide' line... hand over your phone and say you want him to do the same (seems fair!) - If he says no (he will), well, he's proven you right.

Change your pin, or do biometrics if you can. Then change all passwords to anything you have on the phone and log out of them all when finished, don’t use the automatic password keeper

Well given the OP says her marriage isn't in a good place maybe his spidey senses are tingling.