Upset husband went through my phone

[amithefool]

Hello I want to know if I aibu

I fell asleep last night and heard my phone go to night mode but couldn't find it in the bed
It was around 930pm
I was being repeatedly disturbed by my husband watching tv loudly
I have said I don't want him to go through my phone
I woke up at 11pm or later and he wasn't in the bed I went and found him randomly in the kitchen with his phone and I spotted mine in a corner of the kitchen
I asked if he went through my phone and said he did related to a hobby we have on the app
This morning my emails were logged out my phone and I see that he's logged in on his phone
He is throwing all the blame on me
Why are you so protective over your phone
What are you panicking about
Why are you so secretive

He said this morning when I asked again if he was in my emails and said I thought I was hacked that he was logging into our mortgage portal
However I don't want to progress a new mortgage as we haven't been getting on and he knows this as I've discussed with him many times

I am so upset with him and so dissapointed
We need therapy and I keep telling him I'm hating our marriage and it's abusive
I don't know if I'm being over sensitive
He always says I make a big deal out of things and I over think
I just want to know about the phone and if I am being ridiculous to feel invaded and now victim blamed

No apology btw

Your intuition this could be about mortgages and finances is really concerning.

Is your phone password protected?

If you have an iPhone set, also set up ‘Require Attention for Face ID’.

Doesn’t give him the right to commit fraud by signing her up to a mortgage.

I couldn’t care less if my OH went through my phone. But, he trusts me so he doesn’t.

If a partner feels so insecure they need to go through a phone, well, it’s not really the phone that’s the issue is it?

Impossible to have an opinion without background info and both of your behaviours in a regular/ daily basis.

Put a fingerprint lock on your phone and change the number password.

update all passwords to social media’s, email and banking accounts etc.

leave this sneaky abuser.

He shouldn't be in your phone.

You don't go to therapy with your abuser.

Log out of all devices at all times.

Seek a divorce and get away from this toxic environment.

He is in custody as he went through my work phone too, I have been caught for texting and having an emotional affair kind of with someone. Many months ago and I hated myself for it. I didn't have sex with them and kissed them but no other
I have now had my work phone trawled through again and he's been texting and getting many many lies about me from a woman I used to be friends with
He went thru my work phone then confronted me yesterday and initially denied it as I was always told if you cheat you have to deal with it not tell your partner so they make you feel better
I hate myself for this but I've been told today I'm disgusting. Evil, should kill my self. Traitor don't love my children etc etc
He took my phones again snatched them locked himself in the bathroom
Then he wouldn't return them locked me into the house covered the house phone so I couldn't call 999
He dug his fingers onto my neck asking for the PIN code

We had been in a terrible place when this happened and I was certain our marriage was over but too scared to leave and no job until earlier this year
I know he will try to Destroy me

I know I am in the wrong for the infidelity but he's pushed me onto the floor in the garage and I feel into baskets and he snatched my phone grabbed wrists and dug fingers into neck
Throwing things across room

Police said they had no choice

I knew it was over as I feel betrayed by the way he went thru my information notes looked at blocked numbers

This was texting another man, plans to meet him and didn't meet him. I kissed him half on the moth.

People 100 not related to anything have been dragged in with this so called ex friend alleging a friends husband to that I know is nothing 100 to do with me ever
I am broken my life is over

You don’t need therapy you need to leave.

Actually your life could just be beginning. He is a violent , controlling abuser. Call WA, do the Freedom Programme, and take this opportunity to leave.

I am waiting at the custody suite for him
And I am heart broken and miss him

I don't think he will come home

Why are you waiting for him? He is an abusive man and your relationship is dead, no matter how long you try to resuscitate it.
Get some self respect, check your credit record on the way outas it sounds like he may have been applying for loans etc on your phone and electronically accepting as you.
Affair or not, nobody needs to put up with any of this.

Please see him for the abusive arsehole he is and leave.

Therapy is not just about 'fixing' a relationship. It can be helpful in establishing whether a relationship is abusive; sometimes this is not at all clear to one or both parties. And it can help someone find their own voice and construct a safe way to separate if that is necessary.

Meh you betrayed him, he betrayed you and it turns out he's violent to boot. Time to call it a day.

Horrible victim blaming. Nothing OP did justifies him abusing her. Read it again below, how is any of this ‘meh’?

He dug his fingers onto my neck asking for the PIN code
I know he will try to Destroy me
he's pushed me onto the floor in the garage and I feel into baskets and he snatched my phone grabbed wrists and dug fingers into neck
Throwing things across room
Police said they had no choice

No, it's not acceptable.
Either you trust each other or you don't. We both know each other's login numbers, but would never USE them unless asked. (Eg. He's asked me to open his phone and call back missed calls if he's driving) but even sat next to each other, we don't even glance at each other's screens, unless we are showing each other a post/pic/video.
Were all entitled to some privacy, and it doesn't mean anything dodgy is going on.

I wonder if the same people commenting here are the ones who tell posters to look through boyfriends / husbands phones and laptops and screen shot everything 🤔

You're still brain washed but you need out. This situation is dangerous. Contact women's aid to help you leave. (And the wanting to kiss someone else is an indicator that something was wrong anyway).

Yes! ‘Can you wait ‘til he’s sleeping and use his finger to open his phone?’

I get this with my husband

You both sound about as bad as each other. You didn't want him to look because you knew there was something to find. His instincts (Spidey senses) told him there was something to find. He found it.

I don't want to victim blame, but given that you omitted to mention your affair to explain why he might be looking through your phone, I don't trust your narrative on the violence aspect and how that all went down. No one should be assaulting anyone. Your marriage is dead.

This.
Phone is now least of your problems.

Take steps to stop him coming home. Why are you at the police station waiting for him? He assaulted you.

Well it's an unholy mess of a marriage so for your children's sake call it a day, go your separate ways and be civil for them.

You have both betrayed each other. Stop fucking about and walk away from him.

the relationship is a dumpster fire. get out.
even without the phone issues.
sounds like he was right to distrust you, but that doesn't justify invading your privacy.
but the problems run SO much deeper than not trusting each other.
I can't see a way through this that ends with you two living happily ever after. he's violent and manipulative. you're looking elsewhere for what you're not getting from him. neither of you are happy. draw a line under it and move on.