Aibu to feel ruined by having a baby :(

[Christmasgiraffe]

Thank you to anyone who reads all of this. I know it's long and has a lot of unnecessary detail but it was cathartic to write.

I had my baby 6 weeks ago now and I love her so much. I'm so grateful for her. My husband and I had only been married for 6 months when she was conceived and we are both young (21 and 22) so we hadn't been planning for children for a good few years, although we both did want them eventually. We are also living temporarily in another European country for my husband's job so it wasn't the plan to have a baby here. Anyway, we were both stupid and our contraception failed in a completely preventable way and I got pregnant.

I was upset to be in that situation and went back and forth over whether to continue the pregnancy in the couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Looking back, I don't think I ever would have gone through with an abortion though. I was just sad to be losing out on our years as a young couple without so much responsibility. We had lots of travel plans and I just wanted more time as just the two of us.

Right after I made the decision to keep the baby, I became horrendously ill with morning sickness. I was throwing up 10+ times a day and not even water would stay down. I still can't eat my favourite tinned soup because the taste of it coming back up was so revolting. I probably should have been hospitalised a couple of times for dehydration but I made it through with gross electrolyte drinks, crackers and boiled sweets.

By the time I had my first scan appointment at 12 weeks, I'd lost 15 pounds. Luckily the sickness ended around this time and I could start eating again. Everything was fine at my 12 week scan and the feeling of relief was incredible. I'd been convinced that I had caused some damage or had a missed miscarriage by basically starving for a month.

Everything was going was going well after that and I was finding pregnancy quite easy, until I had a scan at around 30 weeks and suddenly the baby was measuring small. I felt so guilty that I could have caused this by not being able to eat enough in the first trimester. The doctor didn't seem too concerned and thought it was just a genetically small baby, rather than a growth restriction.

I made it to 41 weeks exactly before my water broke at 5am, we made it to the hospital at 9am and she was born at 3pm that day. When I got to the point of being ready to push, it went incredibly fast and she was out in four or five pushes. I barely remember the labour, probably because I kept my eyes shut the whole time and refused to look. According to my husband, there were lots of tools and needles and a big plastic tube that they shoved up there to look at the baby. I didn't know what was going on at all and all the nurses and doctors were speaking their own language most of the time.They did ask if I wanted to feel the baby's head as she was coming out and I just remember yelling no at them and the nurse grabbed my hand and made me feel anyway. It was lumpy and slimy and did not feel like a baby's head.

They put her on my chest and they told me I had torn and they needed to stitch me up. I don't know how many stitches or where exactly because they didn't tell me. They weighed her whilst I was being stitched and she was barely 6 pounds but healthy, thankfully! I was so happy to have my baby.

The next few weeks were great. I think we got lucky with such an easy baby, she eats well and sleeps well and we both love her so much. I thought my recovery was going well too, I was sore but I felt pretty good physically. I was finally brave enough to look down there last week though and I think I have some kind of minor prolapse :( and the way they stitched my labia is weird and everything just looks and feels wrong. I feel disgusting.

I'm terrified of the prolapse getting worse and maybe being incontinent. I also wanted more kids at some point but I don't want to make it worse and wreck myself even more. And how am I supposed to have sex with my husband. I'm so embarrassed by it and only told him what was wrong yesterday evening. I've been sad and crying over it all week and he's been worried about me.

Everything I read whilst pregnant, insisted that your vagina goes back to normal after a couple of months and you won't notice any difference but it doesn't :( not for me anyway. I've been doing kegals and pelvic floor exercise videos and I'm going to try and see a pelvic floor therapist but apparently this is something that can only improve but it'll never go away. I'm so devastated that I'm only 21 and this is something I'll have to live with forever.

Oh god, never look...not in the first three months anyway!

Congratulations on the new baby, you sound like you love and care for her very much

Get yourself off to a womans health physio asap and get some support - you aren't ruined, you're just recovering

You need to get a medical opinion. Your labia and perineum do change when you’ve had a vaginal delivery, and you’re only 6 weeks post delivery.
When I had my kids you had a 6 week check and only then you were ok to start having sex.

You're not ruined, not at all. You have been through a tremendous life-changing event which has altered you physically and psychologically- and all while getting to grips with caring for your daughter, getting used to being married and living in a foreign country! No wonder you're tearful. Get as much help as you can both for the physical symptoms and your own general wellbeing. Do you have good friends there? Are you in contact with other mums? Above all, be kind to yourself. It will get better!

It takes a lot longer than people make out for some of us to recover down their from having a baby - I DO have a prolapse (since my first) but I'm also pregnant with my 3rd baby; it wasnt the life sentence I thought it was at 6 weeks post natal.
It's so easy to say now but try not to worry, go see a women's health physio if you can, stop looking and don't Google would be my top tips.

This.

For some people it goes back quite quickly but if you've had a significant tear or an assisted delivery (I wonder if the tube they used was a venture?) Then it can certainly take longer. Mine took months and months to heal and then I couldn't comtemplate sex until I stopped bf (gynaecologist said that the hormones can make it more painful) but it did all feel much more normal eventually once the scars and hormones had settled. However, do go back if you think you have a prolapse. In the UK you get a post partum check up, does that happen where you are?

Took way longer than 6 weeks for my bits to calm down after stitches but YES things had changed. Many multiple months. My stitched area still felt like it was pulling about a year later. My tear went up really high - I remember saying to dh afterwards it felt like they stitched through my clitoris, it was white hot pain. Now many years later, things are okay but it was frightening in those early months.
Get another medical opinion and don’t keep looking.

You probably aren’t ruined but best to check and fix it

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. They are making me feel a little more hopeful.

I meant to write that I did just have my 6 week check a couple of days ago but he barely looked for more than a second and it looks a lot worse from different positions. My healthcare is covered by my husbands work insurance so I can get a referral through that, which I'm looking into today. I wish I didn't feel so embarrassed by it.

@Buttalapasta Thank you, it has been a lot of changes in a short time. The area I'm in is quite rural but there is a mum and baby group that I've been meaning to go to. I do need to make more of an effort to make some friends.

@Whattochoose1 Thank you, that does give me hope that I will be able to have more children eventually. Did it get worse with your second and third pregnancies?

I am also breastfeeding which I've read can make it take longer for things to go back to normal.

You sound blessed with your gorgeous baby. This to me is the main thing. ❤️ Sorry I

Sorry posted to soon - congrats on your beautiful baby - this is the main thing ❤️ sorry I can’t be more helpful on the physical side of things !

I had a 3rd degree tear so I had to go to theatre after my first was born and get a spinal block so they could repair all the damage. I was very sore at first, needed to sit in a bath about 14 times a day to get any relief. I certainly wasn't intimate at 6 weeks post partum.

However I'm 8 years on and have zero issues. IVe had another child and an episiotomy and same drama post birth and extended period to recover but I'm never sore and never any issues sexually. It gets so much better but I think the norm that you will recover by 6 weeks is really unhealthy for someone who has had a traumatic birth.

If you have heathcare through your husbands work see if you can find recommendations for a gynecologist that you trust and get everything checked out if you are not happy with how things are healing. It will get better

Thank you. I am blessed to have my lovely baby. I do want to be fit and healthy enough to be able to run and jump and play with her as she gets older though and that's something that could be effected by a prolapse.

Are you prepared to say which country you're in? What's normal/available varies so much around Europe that sometime local might be able to give you some tips. For example, where I am, pelvic physio before and after is part of the package, but you have to book the session yourself, so you have to know to do it which isn't always easy when you're young and foreign.

It really does take a while. I'm nearly 2 years post partum and things are a lot better. I still get a little sore occasionally where I feel like the scar tissue is just sensitive and the odd slight pee dribble but honestly so much better than it was. At 6 weeks I was struggling with an infected episiotomy scar (hideous), pretty bad incontinence and still a lot of swelling and soreness. You're so early in, it will get better. But definitely worth getting yourself properly checked out.

I am in Germany. Specifically, Bavaria.

If you are in Germany you should already have a gynaecologist. If they are the doctor that checked you out and did not take you seriously then you should get another one ASAP. This shouldn't be a problem regardless which health insurance company you are with. Different health insurance companies will also offer various courses for post-natal exercise. Do you think there could also be a language issue in communicating your concerns?

Oh my goodness, Germany has great medical services, and this certainly will get better. I think looking has been scary, and it scared me too.

I had my child at 36, and had 3 episiotomies. When I looked at my perineum it was like looking at chopped liver - I literally couldn't recognise what I was looking at. After 5 years it looked and felt completely back to normal, although I could still feel a hard band of scar tissue if I felt my perineum (this was gone by 10 years). But at 6 weeks I was in a very great deal of pain still, and found it hard to walk far or even stand for any length of time. It meant I rarely left home, and even the health visitors didn't seem to understand, telling me I had to get out and about. But I was in too much pain to do that. Luckily, I am quite confident, so I ignored them.

Keep doing the pelvic floor exercises, but get checked to see if you do actually have a prolapse. If you do there is lots that can be done to sort it, if need be, when you are more fully healed. I have a slight prolapse (nothing to see externally), and due to constantly doing pelvic floor exercises I was back to jumping about doing aerobics, weight lifting, jogging etc by 3 years.

Of course, during those years I was constantly improving. By 5 months I was feeling loads better and not in pain, but I could feel my pelvic floor was weak and there was a lot of scar tissue.

I had a really difficult birth and loads of stitches, plus was a lot older, so I'm sure you will bounce back more quickly than me.

Be really kind to yourself, and enjoy this time with your new baby - the time will fly by faster than you think!

Hi OP,

Lots of people have given good advice, so I will just add that because we know our bodies best, any physical changes seem huge and obvious to us - but they won't look as dramatic to others.

(I'm not trying to dismiss or belittle your experience, or to imply that how your husband sees your body is more important than how you do; rather trying to say that often our perception of our 'flaws' is not the reality and that what we perceive as a huge disfigurement may not be noticeable at all to someone else.)

Six weeks is no time at all - try not to worry about how things look/your husband's thoughts. Focus on healing, looking after yourself and looking after your baby.

You sounded completely unprepared for birth. Does the country you live in do antenatal classes? Did you consent to anything that was done to you?
Contact your mum, aunties and older female cousins etc and ask them to discuss the births they had. What they did to prepare, how to heal etc.
Breastfeeding will be great for bonding, especially after the trauma that you and your baby went through. But you might need support with latch etc.
It's great you have a husband who is open to talk etc but you do need more people you trust to help you.

I’m 7 months post forceps delivery and my body has been completely destroyed too. It hasn’t got better with time and it won’t for me. My episiotomy broke down and became chronic, I have no pelvic floor function and I’m uncomfortable constantly.

I had very bad luck and you are only 6 weeks so it might get better for you, I think for most people it does.

You need to also accept it might not improve as it didn’t for me. I am now accepting that I am severely disabled for life and there’s nothing I can do. I have seen 6 different consultants privately, had lots of private physio, paid for a PT, did the emsella chair (basically thrown all the money I can at the problem and exhausted every option) and it has not and will not improve at all and there’s nothing that can be done.

Good luck and you will almost certainly improve, but you need to be alive to the reality that it might not get better despite what people are telling you here. Everyone told me when I was 6 weeks postpartum that it would improve and it did not at all. I guess I’m still coming to terms with accepting it, but I just keep thinking I got my baby out of it and yes there’s loads of things I’ll never experience again and my life and motherhood is now very different to how I imagined, but I did get my baby.

@Istheworldmadorisitme I do/did have a gynecologist and he was the one who checked me out very briefly. I was worried before I went in and I was really counting on my 6 week appointment being more reassuring than it was but he didn't even ask if I had any concerns. Obviously I should have said something but the whole appointment just felt rushed and I was nervous. The language barrier isn't usually a problem here, lots of Germans speak very good English.

@QuantumPanic thank you. I did show my husband last night and he said it wasn't nearly as bad as he imagined from how I described it to him so there probably is a degree of being dramatic about it.

@H0mEredward thank you. I was probably more prepared for birth, than I was postpartum. I had no idea how to take care of myself and recover. Completely my own fault and why I feel like I've ruined myself by doing too much too soon. I should have researched more, I was just preoccupied with worrying about my baby's growth. I was booked in for an antenatal class but it was cancelled and not rescheduled. Breastfeeding is actually going very well for us so I'm glad I don't have that to worry about too. I will talk to some of my female family members.

Regarding consent, they did tell what they were doing but they didn't frame it like I had a choice. And they didn't know the English term for everything they were doing so that made it difficult too.

@Sundaysunshine21 Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you're continuing to go through that.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re struggling. For what it’s worth I’m 8 months postpartum now, I had an episiotomy & tears (I know, lucky me) and I can honestly say everything looks a LOT better now that it did at 6 weeks postpartum and I don’t really feel any different down there at all now. At 6 weeks postpartum I found sex painful and not doable really, we worked on it gradually and it now feels really the same.

Don’t get me wrong my vagina doesn’t look like it did pre-baby, it never will, I have scarring and you can see where it’s been stitched, but it definitely looks very different to it did 6 weeks post baby and it’s not something that has impacted our sex life long term at all so it may be that it is the same for you.

Oh OP we've all been there - I can remember vividly looking at the car crash site at about 2/3 weeks post partum (I will never understand why I felt this was a good thing to do!!!). It looked nothing like what it used to look, and I felt like things were bulging and looked odd. I was absolutely petrified and Dr Google made the worry x10 worse!

Anyway, this was after a relatively simple (but long pushing stage) labour with only a 1st degree tear that didn't need to be stitched! It was still shocking and sore and painful. My pelvic floor was very weak (probs due to prolonged pushing) for about 2 months, but by month 4 I was exercising well and felt a lot lot better - still wasn't jumping or doing high impact for quite a while though and focused on healing my core and pelvic floor exercises mainly.

I'd say it never looked quite the same again. BUT, it doesn't bother me in the slightest now 8yrs later. I've had another child (albeit, I opted for a c-section that time round!) and my pelvic floor is stronger than ever. It is a new normal, and it all takes time to get used to both mentally and physically. You WILL be fine :-)

Ah OP meant kindly it's been 6 weeks, that's no time at all.
You sound like you have a bit of birth trauma actually- I think I did after my first because I kept going over it in my head and panicking about things.
You could do with a post birth checkup, get someone to check how your stitches are healing and hopefully reassure you.
In the UK anyway they recommend you don't even have sex for 6 weeks at least, I definitely wasn't ready for longer than that.