Thank you to anyone who reads all of this. I know it's long and has a lot of unnecessary detail but it was cathartic to write.
I had my baby 6 weeks ago now and I love her so much. I'm so grateful for her. My husband and I had only been married for 6 months when she was conceived and we are both young (21 and 22) so we hadn't been planning for children for a good few years, although we both did want them eventually. We are also living temporarily in another European country for my husband's job so it wasn't the plan to have a baby here. Anyway, we were both stupid and our contraception failed in a completely preventable way and I got pregnant.
I was upset to be in that situation and went back and forth over whether to continue the pregnancy in the couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Looking back, I don't think I ever would have gone through with an abortion though. I was just sad to be losing out on our years as a young couple without so much responsibility. We had lots of travel plans and I just wanted more time as just the two of us.
Right after I made the decision to keep the baby, I became horrendously ill with morning sickness. I was throwing up 10+ times a day and not even water would stay down. I still can't eat my favourite tinned soup because the taste of it coming back up was so revolting. I probably should have been hospitalised a couple of times for dehydration but I made it through with gross electrolyte drinks, crackers and boiled sweets.
By the time I had my first scan appointment at 12 weeks, I'd lost 15 pounds. Luckily the sickness ended around this time and I could start eating again. Everything was fine at my 12 week scan and the feeling of relief was incredible. I'd been convinced that I had caused some damage or had a missed miscarriage by basically starving for a month.
Everything was going was going well after that and I was finding pregnancy quite easy, until I had a scan at around 30 weeks and suddenly the baby was measuring small. I felt so guilty that I could have caused this by not being able to eat enough in the first trimester. The doctor didn't seem too concerned and thought it was just a genetically small baby, rather than a growth restriction.
I made it to 41 weeks exactly before my water broke at 5am, we made it to the hospital at 9am and she was born at 3pm that day. When I got to the point of being ready to push, it went incredibly fast and she was out in four or five pushes. I barely remember the labour, probably because I kept my eyes shut the whole time and refused to look. According to my husband, there were lots of tools and needles and a big plastic tube that they shoved up there to look at the baby. I didn't know what was going on at all and all the nurses and doctors were speaking their own language most of the time.They did ask if I wanted to feel the baby's head as she was coming out and I just remember yelling no at them and the nurse grabbed my hand and made me feel anyway. It was lumpy and slimy and did not feel like a baby's head.
They put her on my chest and they told me I had torn and they needed to stitch me up. I don't know how many stitches or where exactly because they didn't tell me. They weighed her whilst I was being stitched and she was barely 6 pounds but healthy, thankfully! I was so happy to have my baby.
The next few weeks were great. I think we got lucky with such an easy baby, she eats well and sleeps well and we both love her so much. I thought my recovery was going well too, I was sore but I felt pretty good physically. I was finally brave enough to look down there last week though and I think I have some kind of minor prolapse :( and the way they stitched my labia is weird and everything just looks and feels wrong. I feel disgusting.
I'm terrified of the prolapse getting worse and maybe being incontinent. I also wanted more kids at some point but I don't want to make it worse and wreck myself even more. And how am I supposed to have sex with my husband. I'm so embarrassed by it and only told him what was wrong yesterday evening. I've been sad and crying over it all week and he's been worried about me.
Everything I read whilst pregnant, insisted that your vagina goes back to normal after a couple of months and you won't notice any difference but it doesn't :( not for me anyway. I've been doing kegals and pelvic floor exercise videos and I'm going to try and see a pelvic floor therapist but apparently this is something that can only improve but it'll never go away. I'm so devastated that I'm only 21 and this is something I'll have to live with forever.