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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No attraction to husband - what to do

39 replies

newmumpat · 12/12/2024 23:19

so I want to give context here:

I'm in my early 30s, married 10 years, it was a love marriage/I chose my partner. We have 2 young kids. I love my husband, he's a great dad, good husband (sure we have the usual marriage disagreements).

Here's the deal:

He has/is providing me with a lifestyle I could never imagine. We have a beautiful house, 2 beautiful kids. Both families look at us as the ideal couple. We are lucky that we don't have financial worries or any other worries. He is a handsome man but I'm just not attracted to him. There's no instant lust, spark, urge to be passionate. If I'm honest I could go months without being intimate. We try to have date nights but get so busy with work, kids, life and social commitments. When we do make time, I just don't feel anything.

I've had my hormones checked, blood tests done - all normal. I know many people say this is a phase but I don't think it is. I am attracted to other men and embarrassingly fantasies about non-real other men.

I now think to myself, I am happy but is this it? Is this marriage and this is what life is like for the rest of my life?!
Sorry I know I sound horrible and ungrateful but I really can't talk or say this to anyone I know.

Would love to heat thoughts on this.

OP posts:

Hellohowareyou112 · 12/12/2024 23:20

Did you feel like this right from the start?

Original poster

newmumpat · 12/12/2024 23:22

Hellohowareyou112 · 12/12/2024 23:20

Did you feel like this right from the start?

No not at all, we had a lot of fun before marriage and first few years of marriage. It's become a lot harder after kids.

OP posts:

Travelodge · 12/12/2024 23:23

Maybe you’ve read too much Mills & Boon and watched too many drippy films?

WinterFaye2 · 12/12/2024 23:25

You just need to spend time together - “date” again. It’s not just going to take one afternoon of spending time together to get a bit of spark back. It takes time.
how old are your children?

Original poster

newmumpat · 12/12/2024 23:26

Travelodge · 12/12/2024 23:23

Maybe you’ve read too much Mills & Boon and watched too many drippy films?

I might even say not enough, but no I don't think so.

I guess if this is normal part of marriage then that's fine, I just don't know what normal is as understandably can't open up to anyone about this.

OP posts:

BeNavyCrab · 13/12/2024 02:01

It's not an uncommon thing to happen, I'd say it's probably more often than not. Long term relationships go through stages and it's normal to have different levels of attraction.

I'd be concerned if you said you were repulsed by him and not just ambivalent. All the great things you saw in him at the start of your relationship are still there, and he sounds like he's a good husband.

Life, kids and other commitments slowly take over your life and before you know it, the passion has dwindled to nothing. In the beginning of a relationship everything is shiny and new. You are exploring each other and everything is novel. Fast forward a few years and you know each other really well and can anticipate what's going to happen. You've fallen into taking each other for granted and not doing the little loving gestures, that you did to reassure them. You rarely get the one on one time where romance is the focus.
It's not gone forever, you just need to work at it.
Firstly communication is key. Make sure you are speaking respectfully and kindly. Be open and honest in a considerate way. Say that you would like to get back to having times when you can be romantic and sensual with each other because you miss it. Rather than saying that you don't feel attracted to him, as that will only alienate him. Talk about the different ways you like to be touched and explore them together. Is there something you haven't done but your fantasies are about?

Reinstate date nights pronto, and really make time to celebrate each other. Find the time to really connect and communicate about each other and not the kids, household or work.

Try new things together that you haven't done, so you get back the air of novelty. Try a new hobby together or new adventures.

Increase the amount of physical expression between you. More hugs, touch, massages, kissing etc, even if you aren't going to have sex at that time. It brings you closer and can take the pressure off always leading to sex. It's going to reset the way you see him as a sexual being and can help build the intimacy, anticipation and excitement.

Set goals or dreams together and try to work towards them.

Consider therapy or counselling to investigate if there's underlying issues causing a disconnect and learn ways to reconnect. There's legitimate sex therapists who can help you to jump start your love life.

With commitment from both of you and putting in the effort, you will be able to navigate the natural changes in your relationship.

FruitFlyPie · 13/12/2024 03:06

Sorry OP but this is normal isn't it? You will get replies on here saying they've been married for 50 years and still get butterflies, but I've never seen that in real life. The lust/passionate love feeling wears off after 2-3 years.

Personally I think date nights make it worse, as sitting there bored or in silence makes it even more obvious.

I think the way to forget this problem is get on with other things and life and enjoy the fantasies - why not. Just my opinion.

FruitFlyPie · 13/12/2024 03:13

Having blood tests done because you aren't attracted to a partner of over ten years does speak to somewhat unrealistic expectations. If anything you'd need the blood tests done if you were still attracted to him, you'd be a medical miracle.

GreatScroller · 13/12/2024 03:15

Are you on birth control?

Evenmoretired44 · 13/12/2024 03:18

You might find ‘Mating in captivity’ by Esther Perel helpful.

Monty27 · 13/12/2024 03:31

You're both in new roles now and getting to know eachother on a different scale.
I'm sure the romance will come back. You sound like a good team.

Starlight7080 · 13/12/2024 03:36

No matter what I wouldn't do anything rash . A close friend of mine was in a very similar situation and had an affair and basically lost everything and deeply regrets it. And really misses the life she had with her husband and the future they planned. Her kids are teens so they also found out and treat her so differently now.

tolerable · 13/12/2024 03:38

If he said this bout you,how would you feel?
If he was fantasize bout others?
Query if "every box tickt" was ALL to be had in life.
?

Original poster

newmumpat · 13/12/2024 04:04

FruitFlyPie · 13/12/2024 03:13

Sorry i meant this more from a checking why maybe my libido has gone and if it's hormonal.

OP posts:

Original poster

newmumpat · 13/12/2024 04:04

GreatScroller · 13/12/2024 03:15

Are you on birth control?

No I'm not - why would it make a difference?

OP posts:

Mirrormirrormirrormirror · 13/12/2024 04:21

Give it time. I had this but it’s many years later now and it all came around again and I fancy him now more than ever. Love is complicated and life is hard . This might be good for you to watch

dontcryformeargentina · 13/12/2024 04:27

Married too young. Your preferences may have changed. How old is your husband?

Kosenrufugirl · 13/12/2024 04:40

dontcryformeargentina · 13/12/2024 04:27

Married too young. Your preferences may have changed. How old is your husband?

Anyone who has been married for 10-20 years knows both parties change so much. It follows from your post one needs to change the husband every so often to accommodate those changes

TwixForTea · 13/12/2024 04:48

I wouldn’t worry too much. I think it’s normal for marriages to have unsexy phases especially when kids are young.

Have you tried fantasising during sex? I think more people do it than admit to it honestly.

Userxyd · 13/12/2024 04:50

Imagine if you split up and he got all dolled up in date mode to focus his attention and charm someone else- would you be upset?
Theres a difference between moulded to the sofa in a onesie husband of x years and the date mode fitness drive version - but they're still the same man.
If you were wrong about who he is then that's different to just being bored of your steady safe life - you need to work through your feelings so you dont do anything you might regret later.

CatsndtheBear · 13/12/2024 04:53

You are in a long term relationship to a good man and a good father. It is yotay normal not to feel "lust"... It is also totally normal for it to fluctuate and come in waves throughout your lifetime.

If you are truly unhappy and think you could love someone else then that is valid... But i would also consider whether your mindset has run out of control and is influencing your feelings.

We are inundated with a Hollywood version of sex and how people are, and it is normal for some people to have sex every day. It is also normal for life to get on top of us for a few years and all we can see is how they chew with their mouths open and leave socks on the floor lol.

Anyway, all that to say... If he is a good man and you love him, try reframing your thoughts and make dating each other a priority. It sounds like you can afford a bit of extra help to free up some time for each other.

Zanatdy · 13/12/2024 04:55

It is very common in long term relationships. If you’d have said you never really fancied him (that was me) i’d have said to leave. But the fact is you did, and it’s since children came along that you don’t, which suggests it’s salvageable. How is your DH with the low libido? Is he putting pressure on you to have more sex?

Sometimes I think the more sex you have, the more you want it, but if you’re not feeling into it, then forcing yourself to isn’t good. Are you bored with the sex? Could you spice things up a little? Love honey have some fun advent calendars so add’s a bit of spice into things. Depends if you’d like that I guess. Sometimes it’s just boredom with mediocre sex and spicing things up a little can change things. Even if just buying some of their massage oil to kick things off. Up to you, just an idea, sure some would be horrified by the suggestion!

CatsndtheBear · 13/12/2024 04:56

newmumpat · 13/12/2024 04:04

No I'm not - why would it make a difference?

Show quote history

Birth control can lower women's libido and it can also make it difficult to orgasm.

Remember for women our arousal starts in our minds. I highly recommend erotic romance novels. They aren't like they used to be. Some are incredibly well written and have great plots outside of the sex. But the sex part is great for getting your brain interested without pressure.

FairCrow · 13/12/2024 04:56

With young children? It's normal.
Truthfully, my husband just really annoyed me for no reason for about a year after I had our baby.

Itgetsharder · 13/12/2024 05:02

@newmumpat you’ll get so many different viewpoints on this but only you know how you truly feel. I had the same feelings and I batted them off for a long time, years actually! And it just came to a point where I was sleeping with him as little as possible in order to keep him sweet. I hated it. I didn’t fancy him in anyway anymore. And it just went downhill from there. If you don’t fancy someone then I think it’s not long after that You lose the love. To be honest, I lived like that for a while also as I had quite a good life. But then overtime traits of his that I looked past due to loving him became increasingly unbearable, I lost the respect, felt so let down and I realised that actually life could be better. So I left him.

that video linked above annoyed me in the first minute, I don’t think it’s fair to put her alcoholism/drug use problems on her parents divorce…she could have ended up with that addiction anyway to be honest. But as I say I didn’t watch it all so maybe she addresses that.

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