No attraction to husband - what to do

[newmumpat]

so I want to give context here:

I'm in my early 30s, married 10 years, it was a love marriage/I chose my partner. We have 2 young kids. I love my husband, he's a great dad, good husband (sure we have the usual marriage disagreements).

Here's the deal:

He has/is providing me with a lifestyle I could never imagine. We have a beautiful house, 2 beautiful kids. Both families look at us as the ideal couple. We are lucky that we don't have financial worries or any other worries. He is a handsome man but I'm just not attracted to him. There's no instant lust, spark, urge to be passionate. If I'm honest I could go months without being intimate. We try to have date nights but get so busy with work, kids, life and social commitments. When we do make time, I just don't feel anything.

I've had my hormones checked, blood tests done - all normal. I know many people say this is a phase but I don't think it is. I am attracted to other men and embarrassingly fantasies about non-real other men.

I now think to myself, I am happy but is this it? Is this marriage and this is what life is like for the rest of my life?!
Sorry I know I sound horrible and ungrateful but I really can't talk or say this to anyone I know.

Would love to heat thoughts on this.

Can you recommend some novels or writers please?

I think OP saying she doesn't fancy her husband anymore is different to losing the spark as everyone seems to be saying.. the spark can be reignited, lust can be lost but found again, however I think no longer finding your husband attractive is a bit deeper and can never return. Imo.

It's sad that you think the norm is to stop being attracted to your partner after a period of time. It's not.

OP this is completely normal. Desire for most women isn’t something that switches on in the bedroom like a lamp. Your DH needs to show you affection outside of the bedroom.

Check out the libido fairy on instagram. My XH and I probably could have saved our marriage if we’d remained affectionate towards each other outside of the bedroom.

Early 20s is very young to settle down with someone. You change a lot at that age. Don’t worry too much, as no couple with young kids has a regular burning desire to ravage each other and is having tons of amazing sex.

But if you really don’t feel any attraction at all, maybe think why it might be. You say he’s providing you with a lifestyle you could never imagine. Would you be equally as attracted to him if he had no money? If not, could it be the lifestyle that attracted you more than the man? What’s his personality like? Do you have a laugh together? Is he caring to you or does he act like providing financially is all you should expect or is too exhausted from a demanding job?

Could it be because you feel you have few choices with him? Maybe you feel a bit stuck and unappreciated? Do you work outside the home? Do you have meaningful relationships with friends? If not, it might help to start planning your own life for when the kids are at school, so that you have more autonomy and financial independence. That might help your mindset towards him. But if you’re still no longer attracted to him, at least you’d have more choice about whether to end the relationship.

Life’s short. There’s no point being with someone you really don’t want to have sex with, ever. But long relationships do ebb and flow. So, I’d say, don’t expect perfection and work on yourself.

Sure! It really depends on what you like. If you give me a bit of direction I can recommend some great authors.

E.g if you prefer a particular time period or genre. There's everything from sci-fi to bodyguards to werewolves to dark erotica (which is things like dub con, kidnapping etc) to bdsm to contemporary to sports teams to reverse harem to end of the world, to fantasy (which is things like fairies) 😁

If you would like to dip your toe in and you want a fun read then Sookh Kaur writes contemporary romance with a sprinkle of erotica. I would say hers are a holiday read, but her characters are diverse.

But I have read everything under the sun in the erotic/romance catagory so I can give you loads of recommendations if you feel comfortable sharing about your interests :)

You are wise beyond your years.😂

Op, this is great advice

I absolutely went through this phase/stage (got together at 20, kids late 20s, now in my mid 40s). I can even relate to the fictional fantasies. It lasted a good few years but it really did come back. Obv only you can make that decision but my advice would be to absolutely be patient….marriage/relationships will always be changing over time, as are we as people - you need to give your family a chance.

Hi everyone,

Firstly THANK YOU EVERYONE for responding to me. It really has helped reading all of the messages and my take away is to work on me but see this wave through. Seems like it will pass as the kids get older and we eventually have more time for each other.

Also agree that I shouldn't force date nights. I do need to have this conversation with my DH about showing affection etc. but maybe after Xmas once routine is back to normal.

Thank you all. Lots of love

What does DH think about the lack of intimacy?

He wants more of course but I just done feel it at all

I've been married to two attractive men ( put it like this, other women find them attractive) in both cases any sexualdesire went out the window after about 3 years if I'm very honest. I just don't particularly like sex , never have really - I'm 62 though now and just have kind of accepted that this is how I am made. I can't actually fake it either as I just tense up.

pack the kids of to grandparents/family if you can and go for a mini break, spend some time together - see how you feel after that

She sure did feel the same way. She seems she wasted his time just to have a roof over her head.