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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he's overly involved with his chaotic ex?

38 replies

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:08

I was reluctant to post this as I'm aware I may come across badly but I'm interested in hearing somebody else's perspective.

I'm a few months in with a new man who seems to be overly involved with his ex and her chaotic life.

They have 1 DS together age 10 but they haven't been an item since the little boy was under a year old, he says.

He was given sole custody 2 years ago because she has substance abuse issues and mental health problems, all of that is true, but he always seems to be involving himself in her drama.

She has made endless false allegations against him (and loads of other people) whilst she was unwell so you'd think he'd have the sense to keep his distance somewhat.

She has recently being taken to court by social services to remove another child from her care (different dad) and somehow the bloke I'm seeing has managed to insert himself into that aswell. Phonecalls back and forth with social services. On the phone to her friends about it. It's all I've heard about for the past 2 days.

He was ringing his ex about it all yesterday and now he has text me tonight at 9.30pm saying she has called him up on the phone crying about it and saying she can't breath.

He's saying he's worried she's going to kill herself. I just told him to phone in a welfare check then.

But I'm thinking.. why are you telling me all of this? Why is she calling you anyway? Why are you so involved?

It all feels a bit weird and codependant to me and I'm not sure I want anything to do with all of this. I have children of my own.

Am I being unreasonably harsh here? What would you think of this?

OP posts:
slightlydistrac · 12/12/2024 22:15

I haven't voted because you are being both reasonable in that he is too involved in the drama, and unreasonable in that it concerns his child's mother and we don't know whether the other child's father is stepping up or is being useless.

What a difficult situation all round.

Catbabymammy · 12/12/2024 22:17

It isn’t a question of why he is so involved with the mother of his child who is clearly having some difficulties. The question is why on earth are YOU involved with this complete shitshow?

Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/12/2024 22:17

The dc that isn't his is his dc's sibling... Would be harsh if he didn't care. If that dc ends up in care how will his dc feel? Sounds like a man not on the market for a new relationship just yet though....

Itsabeautifulthing · 12/12/2024 22:19

I'm not sure I want anything to do with all of this. I have children of my own.

Walk away, this will never stop and he's within his rights to be involved but you absolutely don't have to be. Prioritise your own children and don't let this chaos become tangled in their lives as well.

SafeToUse · 12/12/2024 22:22

Do you need this hassle, listening to him, as you say, involving himself in her drama? Do you thrive on drama? If the answer is no, then just dump him. Life is too short.

CheekyHobson · 12/12/2024 22:22

It sounds as though the ex does have some quite serious mental health problems so I can understand him being somewhat drawn into it all due to not wanting his son to experience a tragedy.

But I also think this means he’s not in a place to be his best in a new relationship so you should probably walk away. I doubt he is going to become less involved.

hereshegoesagain36 · 12/12/2024 22:23

I'm on the fence here. He was with this women, she has addiction and mental health issues but he obviously cares for her as his child's mother and is involved as he doesn't want to see her hurt herself or cause more damage around her.

I'd feel exactly the same as you btw but as an outsider I can't help but think it's all coming from a good place and it's just a decision you need to make about whether you can put up with it. Tough one I don't envy you.

LumpyandBumps · 12/12/2024 22:24

Only you can know if he’s worth all of this drama.

I would be concerned about the ex partner’s other child being taken into care. I don’t have much experience of this but I know someone who was asked to take on a child because of him being a half sibling of his grandchild, who he had parental responsibility for.

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:26

It's all a bit much for early days isn't it? I too think that perhaps he isn't in the best place for a new relationship at the minute.

I appreciate he's in a difficult position, having a child with somebody so vulnerable, and it's doubly shit for the child(ren).

OP posts:
Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:30

He said social services asked him if he would consider taking the other child (his DS' half brother) and whilst he momentarily considered it he decided it wasn't something he was able to do.

That little one has now been taken into care, hence her distressed calls today 😔

OP posts:
Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:35

I've just read that back and think I sound like an absolute arsehole now 😔

OP posts:
Pussycat22 · 12/12/2024 22:38

I think HE thrives on the drama!

TY78910 · 12/12/2024 22:38

@Isitmeor18 I don't think you sound like an arsehole, any woman dealing with a man with a past and his kids needs a certain level of resilience.

My only thoughts on this are - would he ever want his DC to wonder 'why didn't you help my mum'

Stretchanoctave · 12/12/2024 22:39

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:35

I've just read that back and think I sound like an absolute arsehole now 😔

You don’t. It is just too much to get involved in. I don’t think it will work out for you while he is so distracted.

SleepPrettyDarling · 12/12/2024 22:43

Pussycat22 · 12/12/2024 22:38

I think HE thrives on the drama!

I disagree. His own child, and that child’s half-sibling, have a chaotic home, and any good person would prioritise (a) the child (children, depending on the involvement of the other dad, and (b) the mother’s stability in the hope of supporting her towards a better future relationship with her kids.

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:45

Pussycat22 · 12/12/2024 22:38

I think HE thrives on the drama!

This is exactly what I was thinking myself but was reluctant to say as I felt guilty for even thinking it.

Every single time we speak he's talking about how she has done this, done that, he's called her and said this, she's called him and said that.

He got custody to shield their child from all of this stuff yet he isn't being shielded from it at all because it's all his dad goes on about.

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 12/12/2024 22:46

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:30

He said social services asked him if he would consider taking the other child (his DS' half brother) and whilst he momentarily considered it he decided it wasn't something he was able to do.

That little one has now been taken into care, hence her distressed calls today 😔

Social services will likely be wanting to get his view on her abilities as a mother since he has a child with her.

I don't think he's in the wrong to be as involved as he is. This other kid is his child's siblings after all. But I do think he has too much going on in his life to be entertaining a romantic relationship.

BibbityBobbityToo · 12/12/2024 22:47

He's isn't being unreasonable by putting his son first. He won't want his son to lose his Mum so naturally will try to help her where he can.

You aren't being unreasonable by questioning if this is too much for you to feel comfortable with. Personally I would wish him well as he is clearly a kind a lovely person but I wouldn't pursue a relationship as you'll always be 3rd in the pecking order.

If you went on to have kids with him, you'll never be done with Social Workers and The Police contacting you about the ex.

Justcallmebebes · 12/12/2024 22:48

Good God no. This has disaster written all over it. Do yourself and your kids a favour and wish him well and walk away

Endofyear · 12/12/2024 22:48

It's certainly not an ideal situation when you're in a new relationship and I don't blame you for feeling it's all a bit much! But - she is his child's mother and she is unwell so I can understand him wanting to help and support her. He is obviously worried about her harming herself and can imagine the impact on their son if the worst should happen. I think it's admirable that he hasn't washed his hands of her.

I think you're right though that he's not in a place where he can give enough time or attention to a new relationship and it might be better for you if you walked away now.

Daisy12Maisie · 12/12/2024 22:58

Neither of you are in the wrong. I can see why he is involved but I can also see why you wouldn't want that in your life. I wouldn't either. I would wish him well but walk away.

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:59

Thank you all. You've confirmed my gut feeling, he isn't in the right place for a relationship right now.

He's trying. Bless him.

I think I will have a chat with him tomorrow and suggest we cool things off for now so he can concentrate on supporting his DS, and his DS mum if that's what he thinks he should do.

I'm going to have to word things better than I have on here 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 12/12/2024 23:31

I don’t think you come off as an asshole at all.

You’re allowed to want a relationship that is uncomplicated. Personally I have a lot of boundaries now around the kind of drama that I don’t want to take on in a new relationship, which includes chaotic exes, mental heath problems, toxic families, certain chronic health conditions, addictions of any kind or a party lifestyle.

Not saying anyone dealing with those issues is a bad person or doesn’t deserve love, I just like my peaceful life and don’t want to disrupt it.

SpryCat · 13/12/2024 00:03

Does he like to be needed? He sounds that way. He does seem overly involved especially as his child is hearing about it instead of being shielded.

If this is what he is like now I dread to think what your relationship would be like in 6 months time, he might try to involve you in his ex’s care. I think it’s mean he let his dc sibling go into care.

Isitmeor18 · 13/12/2024 08:12

I think he does like to be needed yes.

I remembered after posting that he told me 1.5 weeks ago that he had blocked her number because of her making more false allegations, yet he's back to ringing her every day.

The kind of allegations she makes are really damaging aswell. Fortunately the services know none of it is true because she's known for it, but still.

OP posts: