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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he's overly involved with his chaotic ex?

38 replies

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:08

I was reluctant to post this as I'm aware I may come across badly but I'm interested in hearing somebody else's perspective.

I'm a few months in with a new man who seems to be overly involved with his ex and her chaotic life.

They have 1 DS together age 10 but they haven't been an item since the little boy was under a year old, he says.

He was given sole custody 2 years ago because she has substance abuse issues and mental health problems, all of that is true, but he always seems to be involving himself in her drama.

She has made endless false allegations against him (and loads of other people) whilst she was unwell so you'd think he'd have the sense to keep his distance somewhat.

She has recently being taken to court by social services to remove another child from her care (different dad) and somehow the bloke I'm seeing has managed to insert himself into that aswell. Phonecalls back and forth with social services. On the phone to her friends about it. It's all I've heard about for the past 2 days.

He was ringing his ex about it all yesterday and now he has text me tonight at 9.30pm saying she has called him up on the phone crying about it and saying she can't breath.

He's saying he's worried she's going to kill herself. I just told him to phone in a welfare check then.

But I'm thinking.. why are you telling me all of this? Why is she calling you anyway? Why are you so involved?

It all feels a bit weird and codependant to me and I'm not sure I want anything to do with all of this. I have children of my own.

Am I being unreasonably harsh here? What would you think of this?

OP posts:
Edingril · 13/12/2024 08:16

Survey you can't be that desperate for a partner, don't do this to your children

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/12/2024 08:21

I don't think he's necessarily being unreasonable. Hower it's a shit show and not one I'd be a part of even if I didn't have kids.

Waterboatlass · 13/12/2024 08:23

I would probably walk away. You're definitely not an arsehole and he's doubtless doing what he thinks is best to help keep two parents for his child but it's not your problem and so early you shouldn't be his confidante. Please don't invest hours in listening to him offload. You've got your own life, worries, wins, day to day.

VeryVeryCross · 13/12/2024 08:27

You're not an arsehole but you need to put yourself and your own kids first. You don't need to bring all this drama into their lives.

mjcausingthis · 13/12/2024 08:31

Hi op. I don't yabu but I do think this is a lot of drama to get involved in. I would walk away personally, it'll only get worse and you'll always have someone else's shit to deal with. While I do feel really sorry for the ex ultimately it sounds like she is in a huge mess and you're just going to get dragged into it.

Whowhatwhere21 · 13/12/2024 08:31

The allegations alone would be enough for me to step away. If she's happy to make false allegations about her child's dad, the one who is actually looking after the child and preventing him from going into care, then she will have no issues making allegations against you when she decides she's unhappy with you being on the scene.

Isitmeor18 · 13/12/2024 14:18

Yep that thought crossed my mind too. I would end up a target myself at some point no doubt about that.

He's still going on about her today. I'm definitely done.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 13/12/2024 14:24

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:35

I've just read that back and think I sound like an absolute arsehole now 😔

You really don’t. But personally I could not and would not deal with this. This is supposed to be the fun bit. I get a bit prickly at the mere mention of ex partners in the early days of a relationship so this is far too much. I’d be inclined to say ‘Sorry, but this is all a bit too Jeremy Kyle for me. I wish you and your ex all the best.’

Moveoverdarlin · 13/12/2024 14:26

I would run as fast as my little legs would carry me from this shit show.

TheSilkWorm · 13/12/2024 14:28

He's waaaaay too involved. Definitely move on from this one.

sparkellie · 13/12/2024 14:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable. But I don't think he is either. This is the mother and sibling of his child and I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone who could ignore that. However I definitely wouldn't be able to tolerate the situation if I was you, and I think you're right to step away for the time being. You have to prioritise your children and this won't be good for them. He should also be ble to give all his attention to making a stable life for his child, and a relationship would detract from that at the moment.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/12/2024 16:30

You have boundaries
He doesn't

He is overly empathetic with a savior complex. Probably a nice guy but do you want this life?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/12/2024 16:32

Isitmeor18 · 12/12/2024 22:59

Thank you all. You've confirmed my gut feeling, he isn't in the right place for a relationship right now.

He's trying. Bless him.

I think I will have a chat with him tomorrow and suggest we cool things off for now so he can concentrate on supporting his DS, and his DS mum if that's what he thinks he should do.

I'm going to have to word things better than I have on here 🤦🏼‍♀️

Old me would have been all over him trying to help him and support him. He can find one of those women to date. You don't have time for that.

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