I dated a guy over a year ago, it only lasted about 4 months. It ended over a series of texts. I felt he was pulling away and I told him to finish things if he wasn't interested and gave him his get out - which he took and made an excuse based on nothing very significant. We parted ways, but I never stopped thinking about him. I also felt when we were dating that he wasn't really emotionally available. He's only moved out of his family home 8 months prior to us meeting even though he got his official divorce whilst we were dating.
I've dated other guys in the past for longer, but for some reason he had a bigger impact on me. Anyway over the following 9 months or so we'd text occasionally wishing happy new year, birthday etc. and we started messaging again regularly since early summer, platonically. We went out of drinks late summer, had a lovely evening kissed, he stayed over but i didn't sleep with him because I want more, not a one night stand.
Since then we've remained friends and he's been amazing he's helped me while I've been looking for a new house. I've never done it before and he's been so helpful. He's taken time out of work to meet me for viewings, he's reviewed surveys and been such support. It's been hard for me because although i've been divorced for 7 years, it's been my family/children's home for 20 years. I never ask for help so it's been wonderful knowing he's been there, he made me feel safe. There's huge chemistry and I can tell it's mutual.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago we went our for drinks again and I drank a lot, we kissed it was wonderful. I asked him why we split up and I said jokingly is it because you think i'm chubby and have a big bum. His ex was super fit and I'm a size 10/12, tiny waist and a big(ish) bum... always have had. I did feel self conscious though because I know his ex was fit and slim. For context I'm not fat nor ugly and I get more attention these days than I've ever done before.
Anyway he buried his head in his hands ashamed and said he had a thing about big bums (no liking them) but that's not why he broke up with me. So I said okay so you're not attracted to me and he said he was, he said I was absolutely gorgeous, but he kept his face hidden in his hands. I started phoning for a cab and he asked me not to go. We ended up kissing and I stayed the night and slept with him. I think he said other things to reassure me, but I can't remember as I hadn't eaten much and had drank too much.
The next morning he was really lovely, very affectionate. I had the removal men coming so I had to get home early.
My head was all over the place, after the removal guys left I went back to the empty house - 20 years of memories, children, family, my abusive marriage etc etc I went to a dark place. I started to replay the conversation (I could remember) from the night before. I felt ashamed that I'd slept with him when I wasn't even sure he was attracted to me.
After a day of ignoring him he asked what was the matter and I told him to leave me alone, I wasn't interested in friends with benefits and I had enough to deal with and I wasn't interested in his games. He was shocked and said he didn't know where that had come from and he was sorry thought so badly of him.
I'm away for a week, I don't know where we'll go from here. I loved being friends with him we were building trust, but I feel like it's been ruined now - I wish i'd never slept with him.
I think we could have something special, but I'm hurt by what he said. I want him to reassure me. I feel quite ashamed that i slept with him after what he said. where's my self respect.