Daughter sleeping in same room as BD’s new girlfriend

[BePearlMaker]

Am I unreasonable in stopping overnight stays for my daughter(6) at her Dads house?

Long story short he neglected her for the first 2-3 years of her life and contact stopped completely due to this and substance abuse.

There is now a court order in place (from 2022) that at first allowed him to see her every Sunday 11-5. And stated that when he obtains suitable accommodation this can progress to one overnight stay fortnightly.

He managed to secure a small bed sit (no rooms completely open plan) and I was content in knowing it was just my daughter and her dad there so allowed the overnight stays.

Since there have been numerous occasions where he has neglected his responsibility to safeguard and protect her. For example promoting her to watch Jurassic world (PG 13) and watching YouTuber videos with her rated PG14. He says ‘he decides what’s appropriate when she’s with him’. He left her unattended at a party recently and one of the mums contacted me expressing her concern.

so now to my main issue. He has introduced his new girlfriend to my daughter and on the same day they’re all sleeping in the same room together as she now ‘lives’ there. She also has a 4 year old (not sure if she has access to them). She also has suspected BPD, fresh self harm marks on her and has shared things on her socials about substance abuse. I’m concerned about this as surely my daughter shouldn’t be put in a position where’s she’s having to jeopardise her privacy, safety and comfortability in-front of a stranger!

so, am I wrong to take a step back on the court order and allow only days out and no sleepovers until suitable accommodation is provided and she has her own room?

Is this accommodation still suitable or am I justified in what I’m worrying about?

Your main issue isn't the new GF. It's the fact her dad is a waste of space and isn't looking after her when she's in his care.

You would not be unreasonable.

trust your gut.

I think some of this a bit of a reach and dramatic like him letting her watch jurassic park is not neglect. Leaving her unattended at a party, depends what you mean by this. The bpd part wouldn't bother me I have bpd and have 2 children just like lots of people with mental illness. If it's only one night a fortnight you daughter doesn't need her own room their as its just like a sleepover. If you felt comfortable with her being with her father I don't think adding a girlfriend in should make much difference

Letting kids watch unsuitable stuff is a safeguarding issue. So is letting her share a room with his GF who is a substance abuser. I would collect her at 5.

Sharing something on Facebook doesn't make her a substance abuser. It's jurassic park

Be careful, OP because you could be accused of parental alienation if you break the court order or even raise concerns with SS.

I know someone this happened to. Multiple disclosures from children about him hurting them (no visible marks) not giving meds, force feeding etc.etc. Of course he lied and SS chose to believe him. Judge put it down to ‘different parenting styles’. Mother was severely warned she risked repercussions for raising concerns.

However there were no drugs involved and that might be an issue where you would be taken more seriously. It’s extremely agonising and I feel for you.

Again these are just uniformed worries that are in my mind not the overarching concern. My problem is the unsuitable accommodation. The new girlfriend is a stranger and my daughter shouldn’t have to dress/ undress around someone she doesn’t no nor trust. She hasn’t got access to any private space.

I appreciate this response. Alienation isn’t something I would ever do! I’m not stopping contact at all, if anything he’ll see her more! It’s just the sleeping arrangements.

You can’t be serious. On what planet is this a suitable environment for a 4 year old.

Alienation isn’t something the mother I know does either- but that didn’t stop her being accused of it. I just wanted to give you a heads up. It’s shocking how somehow doing what’s right for the child takes second place to an attitude of ‘contact at all costs’. Just be aware. xx

I wouldn’t let children stay there, no bedroom, 3/4 people, previous drug users and strangers.

The substance abuse would swing it for me.

Sorry, I am no legal expert and others will know more - but can you just refuse when it is court ordered? I thought this was legally binding?

I understand your concerns about your ex using drugs etc - enormously.

The film less so - a lot of small children have seen Jurassic Park. I know you may not approve, but not certain it is grounds to challenge contact arrangements.

And having a new girlfriend.... Is something that will happen. Presumably there is a bathroom with a door your child can get undressed in if concerned about privacy.

I guess what I am saying is, while I see you having concerns about your child's father, I am not sure the presence of the girlfriend poses any substantial risk? Unless you know she is a risk to children - if so obviously inform SS immediately and don't allow the contact.

I do see that the whole thing is hard for you, of course......

Firstly she's 6. Secondly it's not ideal but lots of children are growing up in overcrowded homes it doesn't make it unsafe.

@Differentstarts film classifications exist for a reason. A 6 year old shouldn't be watching a movie suitable for 13 year olds.

Sounds like the court order is that when he has suitable accommodation you allow overnights but without specications on what's appropriate it's at your discretion. This isn't appropriate. So no overnights.

I don't think it was appropriate before though. I don't think a 6yo girl should have to share with her dad.

It's pg 13 so it's just means anyone under 13 should be accompanied by an adult when watching it. Have your kids ever been in the room when the news is on or eastenders their not always appropriate either but you dont deserve to have your kids taken away for it, you can't shield kids from everything or they grow up not being able to handle life.

He’s showing poor judgement to allow someone so unstable into his daughter’s life. I wouldn’t be happy with this set up.

Hopefully they're not having sex with her in the room. I don't think this is appropriate at all. A 6 year old shouldn't share a bedroom with an unrelated adult. Safeguarding basic. The drug thing is also a big concern

It’s inappropriate as they are very likely to be having sex with the child in the room.

Why on earth would you think that have your kids ever slept in you room overnight, do you have sex while their in there or do you control yourself. She only stays with her dad 1 night a fortnight

I'd be getting back in contact with a solicitor asap and getting a new court order. The last thing you want is to be found guilty of contempt of court

There isn't a bathroom? Can't she change into pyjamas in there?

I wouldn't be wild about this but I think a lot of your concerns are OTT. Aren't most parties drop off at 6? Jurassic World not great (it's much scarier than the original Jurassic Park IMO) but again you can't stop contact over that.

I think what I'm trying to say is - focus on it not being suitable with the girlfriend sleeping there too if you want to tackle this. Don't throw all the "and he left her at a party" stuff in - that's all irrelevant.

He doesn’t sound like he has great judgement. I’d be worried that they would be intimate “when shes a sleep”