Daughter sleeping in same room as BD’s new girlfriend

[BePearlMaker]

Am I unreasonable in stopping overnight stays for my daughter(6) at her Dads house?

Long story short he neglected her for the first 2-3 years of her life and contact stopped completely due to this and substance abuse.

There is now a court order in place (from 2022) that at first allowed him to see her every Sunday 11-5. And stated that when he obtains suitable accommodation this can progress to one overnight stay fortnightly.

He managed to secure a small bed sit (no rooms completely open plan) and I was content in knowing it was just my daughter and her dad there so allowed the overnight stays.

Since there have been numerous occasions where he has neglected his responsibility to safeguard and protect her. For example promoting her to watch Jurassic world (PG 13) and watching YouTuber videos with her rated PG14. He says ‘he decides what’s appropriate when she’s with him’. He left her unattended at a party recently and one of the mums contacted me expressing her concern.

so now to my main issue. He has introduced his new girlfriend to my daughter and on the same day they’re all sleeping in the same room together as she now ‘lives’ there. She also has a 4 year old (not sure if she has access to them). She also has suspected BPD, fresh self harm marks on her and has shared things on her socials about substance abuse. I’m concerned about this as surely my daughter shouldn’t be put in a position where’s she’s having to jeopardise her privacy, safety and comfortability in-front of a stranger!

so, am I wrong to take a step back on the court order and allow only days out and no sleepovers until suitable accommodation is provided and she has her own room?

Is this accommodation still suitable or am I justified in what I’m worrying about?

This, I think this is what you should focus on. Can you get proof they are using?

I'd leave out the film/youtube stuff as it looks like you're being petty.

Not really the point of your post but PG ratings can be watched with an adult at any age. I’d be more worried about substance abuse (if it is ongoing) and that time should be just her and her father, not the girlfriend.

You can’t “take a step back” from a court order when you choose its binding. If you feel the situation has changed materially you can go back and move to have it varied but a six year old who stays at her dads once a fortnight not having her own room isn’t likely going to be grounds for that.

If you think there’s substance abuse or safeguarding issues then it’s that you focus on when you return to court. As PP said leave out the films/party stuff

I would go with the accommodation not being suitable at this point.

This^ was first thought.

I don’t think it’s necessarily unsuitable, it’s the gf staying over that’s unsuitable. Lots of single Dads live in bedsits in our area.

Agreed, but that's what makes it unsuitable

Jurassic Park is a PG in the UK. Means suitable for all ages with Parental Guidance. It’s literally a kids film. PG13 is a US rating. But it means anyone under 13 should be accompanied with an adult. OPs ex sounds shit for a number of reasons but if OP mentions this as part of the reason she wants to alter the court order she’ll look petty

The OP's DD wasn't shown Jurassic Park though was she - she was shown Jurassic World. Which is a 12A. I agree with your sentiment it's not relevant to the contact - but it's not a PG.

Again 12A just means under 12s must be accompanied by an adult. The Avengers were also 12A films as are most superhero films. They would have been attended at the cinema, perfectly legally by many families with young children. My 11 year old has seen a number of 12A films over the last couple of years. A child watching Jurassic World here isn’t the issue and no judge will believe it is. I do believe there ARE issues such as substance abuse and not having a sleeping area.

I would think you need to be very careful and refer back to the court order if there is someone you can speak to regarding this, if not then a solicitor.

As in, I am not sure what you are proposing would be seen as correct according to the court order. Reducing contact in a way which goes against the court order is generally not a good idea. Overnights were agreed upon based on the suitability of the accommodation, not parenting decisions based on media viewing - this is likely to be seen as irrelevant. And like others have said - PG-13 means that children under 13 need parental guidance, not that it's illegal under age 13. It's also an American rating rather than a UK one so it would be helpful probably to stick with the country where you are. I don't know if Youtube ratings are a thing which are recognised in court. Of course it is not acceptable if he is showing her material of an adult nature in terms of sexual/violent/obscene content, or e.g. if what she sees is distressing her/giving her nightmares, but I think that is an issue to be addressed separately - something which is apparently suitable for children even if you disagree about her being old enough to view it is unlikely to be seen as a problem by the family courts.

Whether an extra person (particularly an adult) being present in the accommodation would render it unsuitable, though, that seems like a different question and may be relevant.

I would get advice ASAP.

I think you'll find 12A is the cinema listing rating and it's never been changed from 12 for the home-watching options. So stop derailing with wrong info, this is CLEARLY not the main issue. www.bbfc.co.uk/rating/12

OP the self harm is a safeguarding issue, SS would have something to say if self harm was being done with the child in the house/flat/bedsit. The substance abuse is also a safeguarding issue. The potential for them to have sex with DD in the room is disgusting and another safeguarding issue.

Hit post too soon. OP while I am not recommending you inform SS, I do think you have grounds to go with the letter of the court order as the accommodation is now unsuitable.

@Differentstarts
History of substance abuse - poor decision making.
History of lack of care shown towards child re:parties/TV/contact - poor decision making.
Introducing a very new partner to a child immediately - poor decision making.

I don’t think it’s a great leap to consider that a very new partner staying over could cause this man to make further poor decisions - having sex with the child in the room.
That’s not something to risk and simply manage consequences later.

These aren’t two parents who have been together years and both have the child’s best interests at heart.
It’s a new relationship with all the temptations that places before a person with poor decision making skills.

But it's assumptions the courts have zero interest in that. The op needs to stick to the facts. And as it stands he's done nothing wrong

If the new girlfriend has her child staying in the bed sit at the same time as your daughter is there that’s two adults and two children in what is likely to be a very small space. It must be really uncomfortable and I’d wonder what the sleeping arrangements are as most bed sits only have space for one bed. It’s probably dangerous from a fire health and safety point of view too.

Sorry, but you can't disregard the court order.

If you want to put an end to this overnight arrangement you will have to go back to court and file a motion to vacate the order, and put another in place, reverting to the scheduled afternoon visits.

You will need to provide proof that there is no separate bedroom for the child and that the bedsit is occupied by four people when she is included in the headcount.

The jurassic park bit and BPD/ self harm are going to be hard to prove, but if the GF is using drugs, thst would be relevant, and if she posts about it, easy to prove.

So to repeat - you have to go back to court. You cannot just suspend the arrangement.