To consider sending my children to boarding school?

[Boardingschoolmumoftwo]

Slightly inaccurate title but my husband and I have reached a stalemate and we have to decide soon. I have recently applied to teach in a very well known British boarding school and am likely to get the role (obviously not guaranteed but let us assume) it is not terribly well paid but one of the perks is the education which is discounted by 60 %.
We currently live in a beautiful small town, my husband earns six figures (just) and I am at home with the children. The lifestyle here is very good, it’s a wonderful community and the education/healthcare/activities are brilliant (not in England) we have a great life.
SO
YABU to uproot your children and move to England for this job/education
YANBU this kind of education is life changing

name changed because I post often

We can afford the fees with the discount and could afford the day fees if I left the job though but would be tight at the moment although my husband is still only in his early thirties and likely to reach about 250k by 45-50 based on standard trajectory

I understand better now as I know (I'm from a family of teachers in NI), how difficult it is to get teaching jobs in NI. From your updated information, I maybe more inclined to tell you to go for it....as long as you have back up plans for everyone if it doesn't work out.

Thank you, neither has my husband, but he still won't move - the shit 😂

One of my friends grew up at a huge English boarding school and had a wonderful childhood. Spoilt by all the older children, hundreds of acres with minimal traffic, a really close knit community. It's a fantastic opportunity!

With all your extra info, if you think you would like the job, I say go for it. Worst case - you don’t like it - you still have time to move back before the kids get too ingrained. And it could be a lovely opportunity for you all. The potential downsides feel de-riskable to me.

Sorry but that is such a cute description!

'a gorgeous chubby pudding'! Ahhhhh!!!

Oh how miss mine being little chubby puddings!!! 😉

Have you worked in a full-boarding school before? It's pretty brutal in term-time with the amount of extra-curricular/ sport/ duty that you will have to do. There are many late nights. Will your DH be able to basically take over the childcare during term? Have you checked that the pre-prep have Saturday school- because if not DH would have to do all of Saturday without you as well.

I'd also look carefully into the house. Try to see what they would offer you before you accept the job (definitely not always possible). We are lucky that we have a really gorgeous house now (DH is SLT) but we've lived in some god-forsaken hovels before. Generally there is a hierarchy to who gets the decent houses.

Edited to add: my staff-kid DS has never, ever been looked down on.

When. you say you are at stalemate do you mean your husband doesn't want to go? If so what are his reasons?

OP I would do it and I’m guessing you’d save loads of money due to getting staff accommodation too.

I am not sure how you and your husband would live in this situation and whether he could continue working if he moved with you and lived on site in accom with you and or the kids - too many variables.

With regards to kids being at school with you - probably the best solution (whats the alternative if you get the job and they don't go with you?) is to think about would they thrive in that environment - is it a school that suits your children should really be the main consideration.

What happens if you hate the job and leave? Would they have to rejoin a different education system (ie UK vs Irish)

Just "think of the children" is my view

I would generally try to avoid having your children at the same school you teach at, especially in their senior years. I don't think it's great for the kids, regardless of whether their parents think it's perfectly ok. Fwiw, my view (based on some personal experience) is that it does lead to some awkwardness for the kids and get in the way of friendships to a certain degree, though of course not so bad for younger kids.

Thank you so much, so many kind and thoughtful replies. To try and answer a few questions. My DH doesn’t believe in private education and would prefer our children to be educated in a state school but wouldn’t pull rank over this. The accommodation is nice enough, a house rather than a flat within one of the boarding houses and big enough for us all. There are a few natural leaving points for the children if is didn’t work out at age 4, 7, 11 and 13.
I feel like many have raised the question of why move when you are happy and this is why I’m struggling really. Our life here is very very good but I worry about not working long term for myself and my children and how it forms their world view and their view of women.
@WASZPy have you and your family been at a number of different schools? If you were in my shoes at the start of it all would you do it again?

Yes, we have lived in 5 boarding schools over the last 25 years (I am the trailing spouse- I am a teacher in a state school). The best time was when we were newly graduated and the house made a massive difference to the lifestyle we could afford (although I refer back to the hovel point). The very worst time was living in a house within a boarding house (sorry). It was a nice house, but the life-style for DH was so utterly relentless and I really didn't enjoy having the boys around me all the time. It was hard when DS was small as I had very little help with him during term-time and I was trying to work too. It's very good now DS is in senior school and can be very independent- he comes and goes from the boarding house as he wishes and I have a lot of time back.

I would do it again- I'm less sure about DH!!

I live in NI with my English dh. He loves it here and has never faced any prejudice either. I have a family of teachers so know how hard it is to get a teaching job- especially if you aren't 'in the know'.
Are you primary or secondary? Tutoring is always in demand here, have you thought about that?

Personally it sounds like you would be giving up a great lifestyle for a punt. Would it not be really restrictive living on site at a boarding school and what would you do with your youngest until they're school age?

I hope you and your husband can make a good decision for your family, @Boardingschoolmumoftwo . I wish you all the best!

I don't have any experience of boarding schools, but I found this thread from last year to be interesting. A lot of thoughts in it about what it's like to work in a boarding school.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/4972223-to-ask-for-your-experiences-of-working-in-a-boarding-school

How long would you want to stay in one school? What happens if you are happy but kids husband less happy? Or what happens if they love it, but you loathe the job/are bullied/disfunctional work place but the kids love the school.
you could be there for a long time if both kids really enjoy the school…especially as one is only just beginning reception, and the other is not yet in nursery!

My parents worked in a boarding school that my sisters also attended (I had already finished and was at another boarding school.) My sisters hated it - not the school, nor my parents, but that school and home were one. And other children (not us) ALWAYS came first - because there's no off-button to pastoral care when children are boarding. Supper was almost 100% guaranteed to be interrupted every single night - we never managed full conversations with our parents because there'd be a knock at the door etc. Oh - and because I was at a different school - they could never come and watch me in anything. They missed every play, every concert - even speech day. Yours might be better set up to help with family life - just, the lack of down time during term time is maybe worth bearing in mind (and finding out more about.)

No. I worked in that sector and would not send my DC if they PAID ME £250K a year, let alone me pay them a penny!

My DD went to school with a friend whose mum and dad both worked at a prestigious, known private school (13 years and older only). The friend’s mum was a housemistress and was always incredibly busy. A lot expected of her - basically stand-in parent to 30 odd kids, many of those pupils didn’t even have parents in the same country so you really are expected to step up in locum parentis.
Perhaps the job won’t entail being a housemistress but just be aware - if it does you will be incredibly busy and not have much time for your own children. Perhaps if your job is the prep school it may be different.

You are in NI, a place with wonderful grammar schools, what they don’t have is the contacts that one makes at these types of public schools.

That is what you need to consider. Academically the output is likely to be the same, it’s the innate confidence and the mixing in certain circles. Sad, but it is what it is.

People shouldn't have children if they are planning to ship them off to boarding school.

@SkaneTos thank you that is really helpful.
I do wonder if it’s perhaps a not right now rather than a no as my children are very young and I feel very lucky to be so present with them right now. @Isiteveroktousethecword this is the frustrating reality, academically the schools here are excellent. The extra curricular opportunities for kids are also on a different level but the connections don’t exist in the same way.

@Skyrainlight I would be working there, my children would be living with me until they chose to flexi board as teens, no one is being shipped anywhere!

Would you consider working outside of teaching, if you want to work and it’s hard to get into where you are? Or is teaching a real vocation for you?

Have you worked in a boarding school before? It is very full on - 7 days a week and very little time for a young family. I loved my time there pre-children but can't think of anything worse with a young family. No amount of money or educational prospects for my children would be worth it for me.