How much time is reasonable? Grandparent dynamic

[Unfreesd]

My parents see my dd every Tuesday, we usually go out or to their house for a few hours until around 1:30-2pm. She’s 2.5.

I am working the rest of the time and like to have weekends with her or she will see her dad. My parents constantly pressure me to see dd more. I can’t agree to a week day instead of nursery as it wouldn’t be reliable (they regularly go on holiday, if we had argued they’d refuse to have her, they would want me to drop her later if they were tired etc and it would just be too stressful all round).

I feel like once a week is enough given that’s every week without fail. Around bank holidays or Christmas it’s more than that.

I feel so pressured and upset that there’s this constant request from them and they will often say in front of dd ‘mummy won’t let us see you at the weekend but we will see you soon.’

Im so tired of it and feel my boundaries and space are completely ignored. Am I being unreasonable not to make more time?

Couldn't you leave her with them occasionally on a Saturday or Sunday so they can spend a full day with her and you can have some time to yourself? Is there a reason you don't want them to see her more? I think you're being quite rigid and I don't see the issue with them occasionally having her on a weekend.

@Nine1224 if my parents were saying things like that to my DC they wouldn’t be seeing them at all.

They shouidn’t be pressuring OP

OP will already have weekends where she doesn't see her DD because her DD sees her father. OP is working 4 days a week and she sees her parents every week on the only day she isn't working. She doesn't need to set up a weekend custody arrangement with her parents. As a parents who works and shares custody with an ex-partner, OP probably doesn't want more time to herself, she would prefer more time with her child.

The “mummy won’t let you” phrase is a marker for selfishness and manipulative behaviour. I would stick to your boundaries and ignore. You are giving them plenty of access to your daughter and if you respond to these tactics the behaviour will get worse. I speak from experience! Stick to grey rock responses or say neutrally and unemotionally that you are glad that your DD gets to see them as much as they do despite your busy schedule—i.e. present it as an already generous amount of time (which it is!)

Fair points and I likely struggle to remain impartial as my son only sees his dad a day per month if he bothers, so often craving time to myself. My parents don't offer sadly!

Also, might be an idea to miss a week now and then so you don’t feel so hemmed in. You get to choose, not them. Claim the power over your life, it’s yours not theirs.

I feel like once a week is enough, I know people who don’t see their parents for months at a time. I wouldn’t necessarily want that but they don’t seem to recognise that weekly is a nice thing.

I don’t want to have to arrange more time around them. It is a hassle for me if I am being honest, as I end up with no private life or ability to just plan my weekends how I want as I have to factor in ex of course and now them too it seems.

they even said it was a shame I was separated as it meant they had less time with dd!

PS excuse typos—can’t find edit function on my phone!

@Currentquandry if I did this it wouldn’t go down well. They’d be saying a weekend day instead etc and how sad they were

The 'Mummy won't let us' phrase sets my teeth on edge already. What is your relationship like with them? My dad used to say things like that to my kids, or 'Mummy's being mean' if I said no to something, and just constant putting me down or acting like I was the servant/babysitter. I ended up having to cut contact entirely for about a year when he just ignored conversations about it. He acts like it was undeserved and out of nowhere, but his behaviour has completely changed.

I feel really stressed and sad about it to be honest. Every week when we meet and I am about to leave with her, I know what’s coming. It’s not like I haven’t said anything either, I am really clear that it upsets me and makes me stressed. They don’t stop.

I don’t think they should be pressuring you, but could you do an occasional weekend lunch? Or let them do some babysitting?

I think you need to tell them again to stop saying it and be really clear that if they don’t they’ll be a consequence.

@Elizo i have tried that but they will say how dare I speak to them like that after all they have done for us etc. I have tried having boundaries

This! Get firm with them with a cheery smile!

Mum/Dad, this has to stop. I’m not having any more guilt tripping. If it carries on you won’t be seeing her for a while.

And then follow through. The next time they do it, you miss the next week. Basically you’re going to have to train them.

I would stop going every Tuesday. It has become a chore and you will start to dread it more as each week goes by. Stop all contact for a couple of weeks and if you get push back, tell them you don’t want to be given the manipulative pressure every time you see them.

Try harder!! You are an adult not a teenager. You need to establish a new kind of relationship and you need to teach them to respect you - at the moment they aren’t.

The first times will be awkward and quite possibly unpleasant so you need to practise what you’re going to say and do - and then carry it out. Stay calm and friendly. Useful phrases might be ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what is best for DD. I’m her mother and I get to say what we do at weekends.’

I agree. My mum had some v unhealthy behaviors towards me. She tried them a few times when DS was little and I said if that carried on we wouldn’t be seeing her. It stopped. Be very firm. They can’t manipulate you - you’re a grown up.

Agree with PP, you need to reinforce boundaries now and have consequences for their guilt tripping or this will get worse. Again, speaking from experience! Believe me I know how hard it is. But the alternative is worse, truly. I don’t know what your childhood background is but look up Nicola le Pera and her posts and the FOG website. You may start to recognise that this is part of an unhealthy dynamic and see where it can lead (them putting enormous pressure on you in later life etc.). Remember that you are doing this not just for you but for your DD. She needs to see that you prioritise her needs and yours, not them above the two of you. She needs healthy relationships modelled to her, not a relationship centred around guilt and obligation. If you do the work now there is still a possibility of rescuing a positive relationship with your parents rather than it leading to you being worn down by them and running around trying to please them or a build up of rage and fury. You and your DD deserve a good life together—don’t spend your life trying to please two people who will never be satisfied.

Once a week is more than enough. They’re being very unreasonable to say “mummy won’t let you” in front of your daughter. It sounds manipulative.

They are being a bit mad. Just bizarre. Manipulative and entitled. It’s weird behaviour, as if they should own your child.

Just try to develop a thick skin and ignore the pressure. Be bright and breezy.

I would suggest some counselling to explore your upbringing because I’m sure this isn’t a sudden display of weird behaviour on their part.

We had similar with dps. I just stood firm. We had similar over the 'mummy won't let you go' . I had words with them that ended in 'yes I won't, so you need to respect that'.

We had weekends just for us(DC &dh), occasionally we would go the park etc invite gps.
When DC started school gp would pick them up from school occasionally and go to their house for dinner.

Stay firm.

It sounds like you are scared of them. And you are definitely being a child around them still.

You really do need to miss a week, and just not care what they say. You have to be strong with this. What are they going to do when she goes to school?

You need to tell them this is emotional abuse and if it doesn’t stop you will need to further limit any contact with your DD, as this is not the role modelling you want for her.

It may take a few times of you saying ‘stop your emotional abuse’ for them to change their ingrained behaviour, so you need to be consistent. If they won’t change, that is their choice.

They’re being unreasonable, selfish and manipulative. Every time you hear “mummy won’t let us see you at the weekend but we will see you soon” say nothing, pick up your coats and leave immediately. Follow up with a missed week and ignore their unpleasant response. Until they amend their ways and appreciate what you’re doing, keep away. As a grandmother I’m going to be blunt. You have what they want so have the power and should be in control here, not them. Stand up to them. Don’t allow them to treat you like a child who should be grateful to them. Don’t back down.