How much time is reasonable? Grandparent dynamic

[Unfreesd]

My parents see my dd every Tuesday, we usually go out or to their house for a few hours until around 1:30-2pm. She’s 2.5.

I am working the rest of the time and like to have weekends with her or she will see her dad. My parents constantly pressure me to see dd more. I can’t agree to a week day instead of nursery as it wouldn’t be reliable (they regularly go on holiday, if we had argued they’d refuse to have her, they would want me to drop her later if they were tired etc and it would just be too stressful all round).

I feel like once a week is enough given that’s every week without fail. Around bank holidays or Christmas it’s more than that.

I feel so pressured and upset that there’s this constant request from them and they will often say in front of dd ‘mummy won’t let us see you at the weekend but we will see you soon.’

Im so tired of it and feel my boundaries and space are completely ignored. Am I being unreasonable not to make more time?

I’d be keeping contact to a minimum if they speak to you and about you like that. (and relocating at least 3 hours drive away).

Bright and breezy and don't engage.

Once a week for people who, let's face it, you don't like or trust much, who aren't nice to you, and who are poor role models, is a lot.

I'm concerned by you saying so matter-of-factly "if they are angry they won't see us." That's not normal!

Get some counselling perhaps and practice saying if you keep up the guilt tripping, we won't come at all. You have the power to make a credible threat there. It will feel scary though.

When she goes to school, use that to break any unhelpful visiting patterns.

You've said it yourself... once a week is enough.

That would be too much for me but if that's what you're OK with then they'll have to accept it. You're an adult and a mother. They don't get to dictate what you do anymore. She is your daughter and you make the decisions regarding her not them.

And saying to your daughter that you don't let them see her is manipulative and telling your daughter that you're "the bad one" which is not on. You need to stop that. That's nasty and strange of your own mum to do. She should support and respect your decision.

Also what is it with grandparents wanting more or most time with grandchildren like there aren't any other family members to see or parents want their own space with their children?

They see them when they see them. They can live their own lives and stop trying to tread on their daughters/sons boundaries. They feel they're entitled to whatever time they want, unnecessary sleepovers and "popping over" every weekend, it's just short of wanting to move in! The parents want time and space with their own children without grandparents around. Surely as parents themselves you'd expect them to understand that you don’t want people hanging about and visiting all the time but apparently not. They become selfish if they weren't already and are obsessed with seeing grandchildren all the time yet fail to support their own grown children. If they can't respect their own children they don't get to see grandchildren.

I agree with this. My MIL was recently quite unpleasant to me and it bothered me for a few days before I came to the same conclusion as what Birdssong said. So what if she's upset? I feel strongly I was in the right and at the end of the day, I hold all the cards as if she continued to be unpleasant it's her that would miss out, not me. Not saying hold your child hostage or anything but as long as you aren't being unreasonable, which everyone here agrees you aren't, then let them be upset, let them stamp their feet and have a strop and just say when they are prepared to stop with the emotional blackmail, you will continue the visits

Be less available and 'blame' dd.. Enrol her in a few clubs/swimming etc.. Even taster sessions.. Surely they can't argue she shouldn't be going? Say it's weekly even if it isn't!! When she goes to nursery your time with her will be even less. You need to be resistant to the guilt tripping. She's your dc not theirs..

Mine see my DS all day Saturday. Sometimes even a few hours on Sunday, on a Wednesday evening for an hour whilst I exercise and Friday after school for a few hours. Still complain it's not enough and get funny when I want to do something ALONE with him.

I always remind them that most people I know see their parents/grandparents once a month for a few hours..
But they still think it's not good enough. It goes without saying they are very needy.

Let them say it but don’t give into it. Choose to feel guilt over feeling resentment. They’re manipulative and your guilt is holding you captive to that. Feel the guilt and do it anyway. The guilt will fade.