“You sound like a great mum/aunt/nan” etc.

[Reallyaretheythatgreat]

i feel like I’m constantly reading comments such as “you sound great” “I bet you’re a lovely mum” “you’re doing a fab job op” etc when honestly I feel it’s unnecessary and almost condescending.

yet posters seem to be congratulating op on doing a fabulous job.

eg.

i bought my dog a new coat. Aibu for buying him a green felt one and now he looks likes a mobile pool table

omg op you sound like a brilliant owner and really responsible I bet your pooch loves you to the moon and back. I wish I’m reincarnated as your dog when I die.

aibu

narcissist

drives me insane!

Have you not noticed the effusive praise heaped upon some posters ?
” You sound like a great mum, Hun!”

( When we don’t know the woman )

I think OP was just noticing this trend.

oh i’ve noticed it

and whenever an alternative perspective put to the Op…. the shower of shit that descends on that poster is awful

😂
Have you a Diagnosis yet, OP?
Are you suffering from a GSOH?

It’s the multi thread sagas that get me. The OP posts a handful of times on each and the remaining 995 posts are clapping and cheering and oh how wonderful you are, interspersed with really crap advice. Anyone who really thought about it would think hmm, no one I’ve ever known in real life would behave like this OP, so the overwhelming likelihood is it’s all bollocks, but no, you’re fantastic, wonderful etc…for 100 pages.

Yup.
The Mumsnet Pile - On.

Like if someone DARES suggest that Divorce has an adverse effect on most young children.

(Until, contrarily , a stepmom posts about finding the behaviour of the step kids impossible, then it’s all

” They had to cope with a painful divorce”.

I've seen it done and I do agree with the op in some cases.

I think when it's done because the op has done something that they feel isn't as good as it should be and are wanting reassurance then it's appropriate, and may help an op. I have a nervous friend who does need telling she's a great mum (she is!) Because she worries a lot and thinks she's doing badly.

But sometimes it's done to someone who is not really facing up to their actions and the post is very much trying to get validation for their choice. Often done because other people are saying that their action is wrong. In those cases it at best comes across as condescending and at worse is going to encourage someone to continue in their inappropriate actions.
I have certainly seen it done where I felt that if the op had done and was happy to admit it on a public forum (even with lots of justifications) then they were probably at best borderline abusive in rl. So telling them they were a great mum was potentially worse than just being condescending.

It's meaningless if it's not genuine or based on actual facts though. I like being nice but I don't like lying or sugar coating.

Well this is the first time AIBU posters have been accused of being to nice!

Back in my day the dog owner would of been accused of animal
abuse and the baked potato mom, neglect.

Ok, it illustrates a point

That's because the thread is called "I am being unreasonable?" Generally, if people know they are being totally stupid unreasonable/self-centred/inconsiderate etc and don't care, or are quite enjoying hurting others, they aren't going to ask!

Every so often, yes you read a thread where you think "surely you can see you are being totally unreasonable", but you presume they really aren't sure. Most people are nice enough to try to be helpful and give constructive support, because that's probably what the person wants, even if to some with different knowledge, they are being an idiot.

For example I've worked in education for 20 years. Sometimes people come on asking about schools, or asking whether they are being unreasonable for expecting the school to do a certain thing for their child. Sometimes I do think to myself "you're having a right laugh if you think anyone's going to have time and capacity to do that for your kid while they are looking after 30 others," but generally, I suspect they are people with no really information on what teaching is like, they've probably only looked after one or two kids at once ever, so I nicely point out why their idea is not really practical in a classroom, and suggest other things which might help. Not laugh at them for being self centred and daft!

I could use some banal platitudes of support now, tbh. Wouldnt find it patronising.

If someone genuinely means it fine

But it really comes across as terribly patronising when it is said for one thing about someone

The only times I've seen this being said was in circumstances where a poster was genuinely concerned about something absolutely trivial and disproportionally distressed. Like worrying about being a bad mum because she ran ragged the whole day entertaining a toddler and then lost it and put them in front of a TV for 5 minutes to take a breath. I don't think giving them some encouragement and reassurance is a crime, even if we don't know if they are objectively a good mother every other minute of their day.

I think parenting is very hard and I don't think there can be too much support.

Sometimes it's just nice to be kind. Even on the aibu boards.
No harm in reassuring a burnt out mother that baked potatoes are an acceptable dinner for one night. I find it's the small things that make you doubt yourself as a mother , especially if you're someone like me who had an awful upbringing and doesn't know what it means to be a good mother. You find somedays you're just feeling about in the dark and someone saying nah you're doing alright can be just what was needed.

In some cases though, the person posting is clearly on the edge and spiralling about their own adequacy as a parent. There was a thread recently where a step mum was trying her best to genuinely figure out the best solution for all her extended family, and a few people told her that she sounded lovely and not to worry. What's wrong with that? She did sound like a caring person trying her best.

People who post on here often don't have other people to run these particular problems past. You should have seen the state of my mum group chat when our DC were babies and toddlers. I once called my friend a fucking genius for putting broccoli in Bolognese, and she responded to a picture of my sleeping baby by telling me that I was absolutely smashing it and the best mum in the world. Was it true? Well, yes and no. It's an acknowledgement that for whatever reason the "normal thing" (getting child to eat, getting baby to sleep, figuring out the correct amount of dog coats) has become very difficult for the person for some reason, and that they have tried their best, and succeeded in solving the problem. Small things are accomplishments too, if they are difficult for that person.

I haven’t especially noticed it on here. I see much more of posters being an absolute twat to others. Maybe I’m on the wrong threads 😃

I did have to leave a mum’s Facebook group for it though. It was ridiculous.

It's often trotted out when somebody is claiming to hate their child or something similar. I think, "Op you're doing great, don't worry, you sound like a great mum" is really wrong to say in that situation. Pat on the back almost for saying you hate your child. It's also incredibly patronising. I don't generally comment on those type of threads but I always think Op would be better served being advised to seek support from Gp/children's centres/support groups than just being told, "You sound like a really good mum" ...

I was following two threads like this and they became like a fan club - then it started to get really cliquey and the OP only responded to one or two who would hang on their every word. If someone deviated from hero worship to point out a reality they were put in their place. I unfollowed and name changed because I felt uncomfortable with that level of devotion to a stranger's personal life...

@Berga 😂😂😂

You are talking about MN? Have you ever been to an american forum? 😂

It's all a bit NetMums.

I mean , the other day someone on MN was called a child abuser for feeding her child a veggie diet.
How can MN, especially AIBU, be NetMums? 😂

Well I think you sound like a wonderful OP.

Doing great and everyone who reads it loves you!