Being made redundant - ask sons dad (my ex) to drop a day in work so we both do 4 days

[twentytwentyfour2024]

Split from sons dad I have to manage to find a full time job and also one to work around nursery drop offs and pick ups.

To ask my son's dad to drop a day in his job so that we both work 4 days and he can help out?

If you have split up you can't ask him to drop a day at work. You can find childcare and make sure you go through CMS to get money for your child/children to pay for this.

Why should it all fall on the mums when the dads work any time they want make their money and have a free life meanwhile I'm working full time and have to do the drop offs and pick ups? I'll be dropping a day so why shouldn't he?!

CSA i mean.

I don't think it is an unreasonable ask, but there's nothing you can do to force it if he doesn't want to. So depends on your relationship, but I think it's worth discussing in your situation.

Because you can't force people to behave how you want them to.

You can ask, but he isn't obliged to say yes.

You can ask but he is not obliged. I understand the frustration. You are not obliged to drop one day either. What did you work when you were together? Your thread title mentions being made redundant.

If he drops a day he will drop CMS. Rather than getting him to drop days at work is there a way to get him to do more days looking after him? That could also reduce CMS but would free you up. It sucks being made redundant and being a single parent but you need to put your all into looking for work within nursery hours that pays what you need. There are lots of jobs that do that but sometimes you need to go through lots of rejections before one sticks.

No you meant CMS, you were right the first time!

I’m sorry but I don’t think you can do this either. You can ask him to help solve the problem (i.e can he take a couple of days off work to cover while you look at childcare options, does he have any family who could help out?). But I think the onus is on both of you to look at all available childcare options.

What’s your child contact arrangement?

If it’s 50/50 then he has to arrange and pay for childcare when he has child, although this would usually be agreed so there’s continuity of care.

If you have the child all the time or ex is just seeing them at weekends or similar, you should get child maintenance but that’s it basically.

Have you checked to see if you are eligible for UC?

Yes my old job was so flexible but new jobs are office and full time so this really disrupts me. If I could have time off with my son and still work these hours ofc I would but I can't

His work hours are nothing to do with you I'm afraid. This is how it is. Mums get child benefit and access to UC contribution to childcare. You can ask him but you'll be setting up a new status quo of contact - which may well be a good thing but you won't easily be able to go back on it if it isn't.

@SapphireOpal yes I can see that. I shouldn't post when I have just woken and my brain hasn't warmed up!

It's CMO

Anyway,

What's your child schedule how many days a week does he have them?

If your ex has your son during the week then it's to him how he manages school pick up/ drop offs. I have 50/50 with my ex and jave a childminder for before/after school some days during my time as its up to me to make sure DD is cared for, he sorts his days out by either finishing early or his GF does the school run. We wouldn't dream of asking each other to change work hours

Why don’t you see what new job you get and how the hours can work for you?

You can then ask what he can do to help but I wouldn’t think most people would drop a day’s work in that situation.

I know how hard it is as I was working full-time and exh did nothing. I was also made redundant and found it difficult to get back to work with childcare etc.

Yes I do understand the UC and child benefit but realistically what can that pay for these days. So annoying 😔. I suppose you guys are right and I can't really do anything about it. Heres to another failure for woman 🥂

He seems him 2 hours on a Wednesday and 5 hours on a Sunday. No over nights

He’s not very engaged then, is he? I understand you would like this to happen. Realistically he seems unable to do the basics of parenting and you’re looking for a detail of co-parenting he’ll be unwilling to provide.

Of course you can ask. You are right, it shouldn't all fall to you and parents need to have more conversations about sharing the childcare load, especially when separated.

He doesnt even have his kid overnight. He needs to take some of the pressure and parenting load and hes a pretty crappy parent if he can not see that.

Obviously, he might say no but definitely open up a conversation about it

It's reasonable to ask him to take responsibility for a higher proportion of your child's care.

It's not reasonable for you to dictate how he achieves that - if his working salary is significantly higher than the cost of nursery/childminder then him paying for an additional day of outsourced childcare (and doing the related organisation of dropoffs and pickups not leaving that all to you) is a choice he is free to make.

The truth is you can’t control what anyone else does. Your best building it around your work and with the minimum support required coming from him - if you get more it’s a bonus!

You could ask if he can do pickups twice a week perhaps but he might say no

Does he pay you the right amount, especially if he has no overnights?

It would be so difficult for me to get my employer to allow me to reduce my working hours/ do 4 long days. Would it be as simple as him "just dropping a day"?