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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU wanting to chuck my daughter out!

42 replies

Mabellou · 11/12/2024 00:51

My DD is 19 living in our home. She left college at 17 after completing 1 year of her course (dropped out!) passed the first year (just) but still needed to complete the second year and to gain more qualifications, the third. For 2 whole years now, I've literally been at my wits end trying to encourage her to do something with her life. Anything! All she does on a daily basis is lie in her bed ALL DAY every single day. I work part time, mostly long hours but fewer days. So on the days I work I expect (and ask nicely) if she will help out ie; put a load on, wash the dishes, empty the trash, vacuum etc. Just on my days I work. I come home and she's still in bed. She refuses to work, refuses to help out. I have made appointments to see the GP time and time again which she refuses to go. And when I think she is depressed/suffering from anxiety to which she tells me, her friends will call her and she's straight out the door with them staying over night. She is always absolutely fine to see them whenever it suits her. But when I ask for some help, or for her to find a job, she is back to lying in her bed again. And if I get angry with her and threaten to take away stuff, she tells me she is going to kill herself and I am the problem.
Half of me wants to pack her bags and chuck her out the door because I have literally tried everything! But the mother in me, is tired, broken, helpless and looking for a any help at all because I can't cope any longer
Do I pack her bags and make her stand on her own 2 feet? Or do I put up with it until one of us cracks?

OP posts:

Agix · 11/12/2024 00:54

She doesn't sound well. Running away to her friends does not mean she is well.

cobden28 · 11/12/2024 00:56

Pack her bags and tell her she's on her own now. You're almost at breaking point now by the sound of things and you shouldn't haveto put up with this.
It's time she learned to stand on her own two feet and support herself.

Where does she get the money from to go out with her friends anyway?

Mrsbloggz · 11/12/2024 00:57

Can you start very gradually implementing some boundaries or rules OP? I am sorry, it sounds exasperating.

Tristanthebrave · 11/12/2024 00:59

How did it get like this? Did she ever help with housework as a teen? Was she academic or hardworking in school?

Usually lazy 19 year olds have been like this for a while and they’ve been allowed to get away with it, but I appreciate it can be different if mental health issues appear suddenly.

Is there any backstory to this?

What’s her fathers input if any?

butterflysandrobins · 11/12/2024 00:59

My friend was exactly the same and she has recently had a diagnosis of ASD. All her adult life she was called lazy, depressed etc but in fact she just really struggled with day to day life. Is there a chance she could be on the spectrum?

sprigatito · 11/12/2024 01:10

It's more than understandable that you feel like chucking her out (I have one I could happily pitch out of the window sometimes) but I hope you don't actually do it. Exasperating and soul-destroying as her behaviour is, she does sound deeply unhappy and unable to cope with life. It doesn't go well for young people who are cut loose by their families in that state (I know several). I don't have any groundbreaking advice (if I did I would take it myself! 😞) but I pace myself, I make time to do things for myself and I try to provide a safe, judgement-free and secure place for him to talk to me about the rut he is in, how it feels for him and what we might do to start working towards something better. Mine has recently - touch wood - managed to get a job which actually seems to have a flicker of genuine interest for him. He may still fuck it up by being a prat and not getting out of bed on time, but it's a start. He's been so overwhelmed with the effort of his first week there he's turned his room into an actual rubbish dump, so DH cleaned it all for him tonight, put new fleecy bedding on and fixed his telly. Sorry, I'm rambling - but my main advice is to try and shift the dynamic so you are a source of support and there to talk if she wants it, but accept that it has to come from her and try to detach a little bit. It's so fucking hard

Gingerkittykat · 11/12/2024 02:24

Does she have any income i.e. does she claim benefits or do you give her any money?

DaftyLass · 11/12/2024 02:31

I would sit her down and say the situation is untenable, and that if she is to remain living at home, she needs to get help with her health, and contribute to the household with either cash or cleaning.
If she is unwilling to make any effort, I would remove all and any luxuries, and give her a time line (6 months ish) to be ready to move out

DaisyChain505 · 11/12/2024 02:37

Where is sgd getting money from to live and do things? If you’re giving it to her, stop.

who’s paying for her phone contract? If it’s you, stop.

change the wifi password and don’t let her have it if she isn’t helping out.

don’t do her washing. If she asks where a certain top is or why she has no clean socks tell her to wash them herself.

stop making her meals and buying her specifics In the food shop.

tell her she has a fine frame of X amount of weeks to book a drs appointment, visit the job centre, apply for something and if you see no effort she’s out.

Happyinarcon · 11/12/2024 02:44

Start small. Forget about the housework and see if you can get her into a basic part time job. She is obviously shut down and retreating from the world, so try to help her build small bridges to self sufficiency. Pick a really undemanding job, even one afternoon a week, anything to connect her to the outside world and get enthusiastic about it. Look for ways to praise her, even if its stuff you remember her doing as a kid

Milly16 · 11/12/2024 13:23

Going out with friends doesn't mean she's not seriously struggling. I'm sure she's not happy with the situation either. I agree with the poster who said get her out the house. Eg There are plenty of charity shops looking for volunteers - she only needs to do it an afternoon a week. And as an added incentive, volunteers get first dips on donations! Offer to cook her a nice dinner or give her 10 pounds to spend with her friends if she goes. If she can build up her confidence slowly, she may well do something around the house without being asked, or apply for a job. She probably wants to but is struggling with depression and mental obstacles. It's hard but I would be kind right now. I probably wouldn't do her washing, but wouldnt die in a ditch about her doing everyone elses. If you cook every day, carry on, but tell her she has to clear up. Keep expectations low and small but consistent.

Hellskitchen24 · 11/12/2024 13:45

I’ll be honest she sounds a bit like me when I was that age. I went through a phase where I dropped out of various courses, was unemployed for a year, and generally just bummed around. People forget how hard being a teenager is in all ways and the pressure you are under to get everything in line so you can grow up and be a wonderful adult. The more pressure you put them under, the more likely they are to retreat further. I’m mid thirties now with two degrees and a professional qualification, house, and baby on the way, so don’t write her off yet!

There must be subjects or things she’s interested? It sounds like she needs to think about studying something she enjoys and getting a job, any job, in the mean time.

dancinfeet · 11/12/2024 13:59

Both of my daughters were like this at this age and it’s hard, youngest still comes home from uni and reverts to being a teen holed up in her room. Oldest has moved out and is holding down a full time job, but I understand how hard it is to seem them mooching about while you run yourself ragged both physically, emotionally and financially trying to hold things together with no end in sight. Sometimes I dream of just running away from it all.

HealthRobinsonCrusoe · 11/12/2024 14:02

It would be ok to tell her she has to get a job or move out.

Anotherworrier · 11/12/2024 14:07

butterflysandrobins · 11/12/2024 00:59

🙄

Nothatgingerpirate · 11/12/2024 14:36

She doesn't sound well.

The roll eyed emoji a PP sent - of course it was easier for my generation to get beaten, abused and threatened out of any "ASD", that was unknown, as the bastards who brought us up conveniently claim.

Out of my circle, only the strongest ones survived and managed to make something out of themselves.

Don't chuck your daughter out, have a different approach. Please.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 11/12/2024 14:37

Start switching off the WiFi when you leave the house...
No cash. No lifts...

DinosaurMunch · 11/12/2024 14:41

Cut the internet off and she will get forced out of bed by boredom.

Honestly how many of these mental health problems are caused by too much screen time, ruining concentration and making everything else seem too difficult. Not to mention making teenagers feel inadequate and unattractive compared to the airbrushed images on screen

Give her some books to read instead

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/12/2024 14:43

Agix · 11/12/2024 00:54

She doesn't sound well. Running away to her friends does not mean she is well.

Oh come on!

CitizenZ · 11/12/2024 14:47

I'm not surprised if she's depressed, because she's made herself so, by not participating in life!

Give her an ultimatum, either she goes to her GP to sort out any underlying problems, or she's out... She can't go on like this indefinitely.

Cyclebabble · 11/12/2024 15:22

At 19 she is very young and I do think she sounds as if she has MH issues. I would suggest that family therapy would be a good way forward. She may well come across as selfish and workshy but that does not mean she is not unwell.

GivingitToGod · 11/12/2024 15:30

Word of advice OP. Sharp action is needed OP, my own personal experience is that if it isn't nipped in the bud, things will likely get worse. I will spare you the details of my outcome. I feel for you, the feelings of stress, exhaustion, despair and hopelessness are overwhelming.
Are you getting any support? Partner/husband/other parent?????
Horrendous when you are doing this parenting alone

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2024 16:05

I am sorry, op, I can imagine how difficult it is for you but this is not going to last forever. Sooner or later your daughter will decide that now is the time to take charge of her life. It has to come from her. It's best if you back off for now, just be pleasant but don't ask her to do stuff (except tidy up any mess she makes), or push her to study, that will make her retreat more.

I had a couple of phases of being like her so I understand completely. Nobody understood me, they thought I was lazy. They had no idea what chaos was in my head and my retreat was bed and sleep.

I got there in the end! I'm nearly 75 now and retired but worked hard until then, was married and a mother.

She really will improve but needs the peace and space in which to do it.

Obviously it can't go on forever but you can, I think, put up with it for a while longer.

In the meantime, do take good care of yourself and try to have some enjoyment.

I wish you good luck.

MyLoyalEagle · 11/12/2024 16:09

Difficult situation, hope you are OK.

5128gap · 11/12/2024 16:15

What is she doing for money? Because I think the first thing I'd be doing is telling her that if she wasn't prepared to support me to earn the money that not only fed and housed her, but also provided her with her personal needs, clothes, money to go out etc, then I'd have to consider reducing my hours at work so i coukd cope, and reducing what I could afford to give her accordingly. If she was adamant she wasn't unwell, then she could do a set list of chores during the day. I'd try to get that established then move on to working with her on what she was going to do towards earning her own money. Be that a job or a return to education. Asking her to leave would be my last resort, but I'd certainly stop facilitating her lifestyle. I'd also recommend giving the support group Family Lives a call.

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