AIBU wanting to chuck my daughter out!

[Mabellou]

My DD is 19 living in our home. She left college at 17 after completing 1 year of her course (dropped out!) passed the first year (just) but still needed to complete the second year and to gain more qualifications, the third. For 2 whole years now, I've literally been at my wits end trying to encourage her to do something with her life. Anything! All she does on a daily basis is lie in her bed ALL DAY every single day. I work part time, mostly long hours but fewer days. So on the days I work I expect (and ask nicely) if she will help out ie; put a load on, wash the dishes, empty the trash, vacuum etc. Just on my days I work. I come home and she's still in bed. She refuses to work, refuses to help out. I have made appointments to see the GP time and time again which she refuses to go. And when I think she is depressed/suffering from anxiety to which she tells me, her friends will call her and she's straight out the door with them staying over night. She is always absolutely fine to see them whenever it suits her. But when I ask for some help, or for her to find a job, she is back to lying in her bed again. And if I get angry with her and threaten to take away stuff, she tells me she is going to kill herself and I am the problem.
Half of me wants to pack her bags and chuck her out the door because I have literally tried everything! But the mother in me, is tired, broken, helpless and looking for a any help at all because I can't cope any longer
Do I pack her bags and make her stand on her own 2 feet? Or do I put up with it until one of us cracks?

When I was 18, I was seriously self harming, often off my tits on drugs, suicidal and with massive childhood trauma. I have every ACE and a lot extra. In the past 5 years, I'd seen serious violence; been groomed; been raped a few times; watched my dad die infront of me...

I got told the week before my 18th, having dropped out of college, to get a job or get out and sign on.

The whole world terrified me. But, finding a job and sorting out my life alone was scarier than getting a job, so I briskly got one with help from family with applications.

I've never looked back. I've never been100% ok. I still have various issues. I have managed every aspect of work, kids and home life though, because that showed me that, even if you are puking with fear and slashing yourself in your spare time, you can still crack on and 'do life's anyway.

I'd not actually kick her out, but I would leave everything reasonably possible up to her. She needs money, food, cash, clean clothes? Her issue to sort. You need help? That's her issue too and I'd cut off wifi (and remove tv and computer) until it happened. Being supported to fester just allows it to become habitual and your whole life. I've seen it Ina lot of people. They were mostly dead by 35.

Do not give her any money.

insist she claims universal credit to pay you nominal board (£50 a month even) and her own expenses including phone / travel .

Claiming uc will entail her having to sign up to work commitments - having to prove she is looking for a job and eventually getting one - will do her the world of good.

don’t enable this behaviour.

if she choses not to do this then it’s time for her to find somewhere else to live.

nothing is free in life and a little ‘tough love’ will do her more favours than letting her lounge about.

if she genuinely is struggling then uc will need her to provide medical evidence if unable to work - which will mean she had to see gp and get support for mh etc.

I would not kick her out. I had depression when i was 19. Yes i sometimes went out but i was far from okay. Anyway my mum kicked me out. Luckily i could stay with my grandma and granddad. My mum did change her mind and she did take me back. I am 35 now. I have 3 degrees. My relationship with my mum has never been the same though. I have been petrified to tell her if i have a problem.

^ This. Let her lie in bed w no WiFi. And no, you shouldn't support her to lie in bed forever if she won't at least try and help herself, that's enabling.

She’s 19 and not in education so she needs a job. Lying in bed all day and doing nothing is not an option.
I am autistic and was diagnosed with depression at 17, but my parents still expected me to get out there and learn how the world works, pay my way and get involved with household chores.

By enabling this behaviour, you are not helping her. It’s ultimatum time- she gets off her backside and either goes back to college, or gets a job. Stop any money, stop washing her clothes, cooking her meals. If she’s well enough to leap out of bed to see her mates, she’s fine to get a job.

What has gone wrong with this generation of young people??

I would go at it from two sides.

1. No money or lifts etc until she is helping with household chores.

1. Offer help with courses or applying fir part time jobs. Encourage exercise and facilitate gp appointment if she is feeling down.

I'm not surprised if she's depressed, because she's made herself so, by not participating in life!

This is not how depression works.

I think maybe have a gentle chat about living together as adults, what does she think is fair in terms of rules and chores etc. explain that you took on more before not because you're mum but because she was studying, now she's not, and you are working, it's not fair to expect you to do it all.
Acknowledge it's tough organizing yourself and a household when you've never done it before and help her plan. Maybe use ai to make a list and a timetable eg change my sheets on Monday wash and hang my clothes on Tuesday iron and put them away on Wednesday vaccuum on Thursdays and note what essentials are missing from the shop and food shop/food prep on Fridays.
A simple routine like that would do wonders for her self confidence.
Above that, have a chat about being healthy and what makes her feel good - the five ways to wellbeing is a good visual. Connection is important, she has that with friends/ what about the others?

Maybe you could do the chore list with her for the first week so she feels confident she knows how to do it

It can be, negative feedback loops exist.

I’d agree with this. I have been on anti-depressants for 20 years. It runs in our family and there have been suicides. If I spend too much time stuck indoors or I don’t get out and get my brain stimulated, I feel that black cloud over me again. I’m aware it’s always there, lurking in the shadows and I have to throw myself into life to keep it away
So it is, as much as some people don’t like to admit it, a mind over matter condition to a certain extent.
Thats why GPs encourage people with depression to get outdoors and do hobbies and stimulate their brains.

I think you need to give her a deadline - that if she doesn’t have a routine even if that’s in a charity shop/volunteering then she will have to leave and you will serve her notice. Tell her that you expect her to be up everyday by… dressed when she comes downstairs…going out to work or volunteer at least 3 times per week by end January. That you need for her to live with you as an adult or find alternative arrangements.

It definitely is.

GP friends often say depression is ‘shit life syndrome’.

If a young 19yr old girl is staying holed up in her bedroom scrolling on tiktok, not getting out and about, participating in life, earning money for things she wants, keeping fit/healthy habits or experiencing what the world has to offer then yes it’s very easy to slip into depression.

Don’t chuck her out, but maybe switch off the wifi and help make her some routines/habits to get her feeling productive and good about herself again.

I have one a bit like this, thigh she does work. She just won't contribute anything else to the house, except horrible attitude, around that. She should have gone to uni, but decided not to. Tbh if she had I think our relationship would be better. We need some distance as she is really making me sad and anxious in my own house.
No advice but I do sympathise

Are you not coming back OP? I for one would really like to hear your response to some of the questions asked, for example whether you are funding her phone, and wifi access?

Whatever the reasons for her behavior, it can’t go on, because she’s an adult and you can’t cope with it.

At 19, she needs to take responsibility for herself, whether she wants to or not. I agree with the poster who suggested that you sit down with her and discuss living together as adults, not as a parent and minor child.

If she’s depressed or anxious, she needs to seek help, you can’t do that for her anymore. You also can’t provide everything financially/do all the chores and housekeeping so that also needs to be divided up.

Of course you want to support her if she’s ill, but that doesn’t mean that you can do or provide everything for her. Adults have to do things for themselves.