To ask DP to get presents for my kids?

[SecretSantaAnon]

DP is childless, however I have two pre-teen kids from a previous marriage. We've been together for three years and have our own places but are unlikely to move in together till the kids are a lot older. Neither of us has any desire to "blend" the family and/or announce DP is a step-parent, as the current situation works very well as it is - DP stays over quite often, including when I have the kids and they get on together brilliantly. We also go out as a group, do activities together, etc.

After DP first got to know the kids, last year, he raised the idea of getting them Christmas presents (as we aren't really blended and "mum and step-dad", so he doesn't contribute to their main presents from me). He wasn't sure what to get them, and we ran out of time, so in the end he gave them some money to spend. When DC1's birthday came around he suggested we go to a bookshop and he'd buy him what he wanted there, which we did. When DC2's birthday came around he didn't even bring it up. I ended up buying a book for DC2 myself, wrapped it and said it was from DP (who wasn't there, which was fair enough as he had work commitments) thinking I would ask him to pay me back later.

We're now in the run-up for Christmas and DP has just gently ribbed me about how I'm still buying presents, when he's apparently finished his list. The thing is, I know he's not got anything for the kids. Given we've set a precedent, I feel they're going to be let down when the day comes - they're going to ask where DP's present is. DP will be spending Christmas Day with his family so won't be there to experience this. So I feel it's a bit crappy - yes, he's not their Step-Dad but he is in their lives a lot now. I feel it sends a message he doesn't really give a toss about them.

In fairness to DP, he's had a lot on with work and his family, and he is a bit on the spectrum so most likely just completely didn't think about it. However, I know for a fact his parents - who the kids have only met two or three times - will have got them something, if only a box of chocolate bars each.

What do you think? AIBU to think I should prompt him to get presents for the kids, even if only a small and token thing?

It’s up to him though really isn’t it. If he’s not there anyway, he wouldn’t be giving them himself so I would just leave it. If they’re disappointed then that’s on him, not you.

I don’t think it would harm. He wants a good relationship.

Have they got him a gift? Could you say how excited they are to give it to him?

He may get the hint.

I would expect my boyfriend of three years to buy my kids a token gift yes .
He’s in their lives and if the plan is to stay together then he should be making more of an effort .

Yes, he should buy a present for both kids. It doesn’t need to be expensive (£10 each).

What happens on your birthday / Christmas? Does he buy you presents?

You say he stays over often, does he contribute to food shopping or takeaways when he stays?

Who pays for day outs?

He's been great with my presents - never missed one, never been disappointed and they've often been quite thoughfully chosen. We tend to yo-yo between each other's places, so we tend to split food evenly, with me paying when he's at mine and him paying when I'm at his. During days-out with kids, I'll pay for me and kids and he'll buy his own tickets/pay for himself - otherwise we tend to go 50-50. Obviously there's times when one or the other will pay for both of us - e.g. having a meal out - but we tend to break even on that too.

So he's fine with treating me - I'm just not sure if its sunken in that since the kids are in his life too as we come as a package, he maybe should be thinking a bit more seriously about them too? I'm stuck wondering if its just, being used to being childless, he's just forgotten (as i said, he initially brought up whether he should get them a present last year!) or if he just doesn't consider it as being that important or something he should do?

I think I would have a discussion about it with him, as this would really put me off him.

He either buys or doesn’t but this sometimes buying and sometimes not and WORSE buying for one but not the other! Isn’t ok.

i think personally you should just faze out him buying because he isn’t reliable.

OR

You need to have a conversation with him. Asking him does he want to buy the children gifts? Telling him that it’s fine whatever he decides but he needs to be consistent once he has decided.

Yes OP, I would give him a little nudge.

Do the kids get him gifts for Christmas or his birthday? I would be doing that.

Honestly, I would just have a neutral but open conversation. I think if you're going to be in a long-term partnership with someone (much less bringing them into your children's lives) you need to be willing to have up-front conversations with them about topics like this. Ask him if he was planning on doing anything for your DC (since giving cash is what he did last year he may just be planning to repeat), and explain that kids don't need anything big but being acknowledged on Christmas & birthays is important and they're likely to be confused by inconsistency.

And I do think in the long-term you'll need to think about whether this is someone who wants to play a big role in your DC's life and if he's who you want doing that. I'm a step-parent and my biggest advice to people in relationships with people with kids is not to make a commitment or continue down the partnership path if you're not enthusiastic about being a key adult in the kid(s)'s life. That doesn't necessarily mean wanting to be a parent to them but I think it rarely works out when people are ambivalent about their partner's kids.

I really don’t think children should expect presents.
My DB sometimes buys my four DC gifts and sometimes he doesn’t. They don’t care and have never mentioned it.

Do they buy for him?

If he's in your bed when the kids are there then he is blended into your family unit enough. The fact he is not even considering getting them a token gift would create enough doubt in my mind that he is no longer serious about a long term relationship, he's just coasting along taking the easy route.

I would ask him outright if he's planning on giving them a gift, and if he isn't (or acts surprised as though he's forgotten) then I would look at the relationship as a whole. Is it equal financially, mentally and physically (chores) and is it supportive, or does it lean more to him taking and you giving? Although honestly, the fact that he hasn't even considered them would make me re evaluate the relationship.

Works both ways. Have you taken them to choose something for him? If so, tell him - it will act as a nudge.

In all honesty OP, I think perhaps it would have been wise to have had this discussion with him before he bought your kids gifts the first time. However, we can't be wise all the time, and you weren't to know that he might turn flaky after the first gifts, when presumably he was still trying to get them onside with him having a relationship with their Mum. I would therefore have a chat with him, point out that you ended up buying a gift 'from him' for your second child after he bought for the first one's birthday, and seemingly forgot the second one, as you didn't want him to look bad in the eyes of the second child. Then tell him that if he's in it for the long haul, then he needs to make up his mind whether he's going to buy for Christmas and birthdays, and if he decides that he is, then he needs to do it on an ongoing basis, as you and the children come as a package, and hurting your children in any way, is only going to cause problems in your relationship. If he then says that he wants to buy for them, I'd make a point of telling him that while you're happy to give suggestions, it will be HIS job to do the actual shopping, so that you don't end up just making more work for yourself in the longer term.

Just tell him that the kids would love to get a little present from him. I don't think it's a massive saga.

This

I agree with @GravyBoatWars @Merrygoround8 and @Mymouseisonfire and anyone else who has mentioned but do the kids get him something ? it’s nice to have some give and take - mention to him that you’re taking the kids to buy something small for him.

That should trigger him to get something for them.

And if doesn’t well that’s very telling and something you’ll have to deal with.

Maybe just keep it simple and forget about him getting birthday presents though but you can sign a card from both of you.

I know as a childfree person I found it got a bit tedious getting birthday presents for my friends multiple kids year on year and then never getting anything back. It didn’t bother me initially but once they got to their teen years I was kind of done. That’s no reflection on the kids btw. It’s about their parents.

I don't think this is about buying gifts to be honest. Respectfully, your relationship sounds all rather casual; certainly not one where any DP would feel part of those kids' lives.

You say you're happy with the arrangement of not living together etc, which is fine, but then, in the next breath you say you think he should buy them gifts because he's 'in their lives'. Except it doesn't seem like there's any real commitment from either of you to become a proper 'family'. Personally, I think that's the conversation that needs to be had first.

I missed this earlier Op: - they're going to ask where DP's present is. DP will be spending Christmas Day with his family so won't be there to experience this

I don’t think your kids should be asking where his presents are just because he got them presents once before. They should just be grateful for what their mum and dad have for them.

He doesn’t live with you, and he’s not even spending Christmas Day with you. As you say you’re not a blended family.

I think you should forget about presents for now - just tell him not to bother for the time being.

"they're going to ask where DP's present is. "

Are they? I'd be embarrassed to have raised them! Gifts are voluntary, not an entitlement.

I don’t think it’s entitled. They are pretty little kids and the DP is someone who is in their lives. I’d be particularly annoyed about the birthday present for one child but then not bothering for the second one. It smacks to me of (a) masking in early stages of relationship and/or laziness/lack of interest in others.

I’m very touchy about the politics of gift giving as my ex H was so mean and selfish and this continues with our DC, not bothering for their Christmas, birthdays etc.

My now boyfriend is really thoughtful and that extends to my kids. I would never need to job his memory re Christmas presents for them, he asked months ago what they would like.

Of course gift giving is not mandatory but equally Christmas with little kids is really lovely and I get joy out of buying something nice for people I love. ExH didn’t - one of the many reasons he’s an ex. DP does - and my kids are part of the package of me - and I’m very appreciative of him for it.

Long story short @SecretSantaAnon youre not unreasonable!

I think it would be fine not to get them anything if he hadn't given them money last year and hadn't bought one (!) child a birthday present. But, he shouldn't be inconsistent with them. So given that he did give money last year, it's fine to say is he planning on doing the same this year.
What did he say about not getting one of them a birthday gift. You said you are going to ask for money back but did you? Treating them differently is an absolute no no and you need to have that conversation with him.

I wouldjt see it a red flag he's a bit thoughtless about these things, but I would point the importance of consistency out to him.

I don't think whether the kids get him something back is relevant - they are pre teens! Essentially it would be from you anyway. In our family it's generally acceptes that adult gift giving is much lower than gifts to kids

If you think he’s on the spectrum fgs dont nudge or hint. Just have a straightforward conversation.

If he’s a decent person, worth keeping in your life, just lay it out for him. He may not be making the connections you are, until you explain.

DP, have you got gifts for the dc this year?
You set a precedent last year and they will be disappointed and confused if you don’t. They may think that it’s a sign that you don’t care about them.

Reading this makes me think you are not compatible in the long run. Making effort with your partners kids should be at the forefront of your mind, he doesn't have to spend a fortune but it's about effort. He doesn't see you as a package deal. He doesn't see this as his potential family. You are wasting your time with him.

I’d like to know how often the kids spend time with him. It sounds more like a friends with benefits relationship rather than a long term thing due to the way you split things and it’s a bit of an odd thing to have exposed your kids too. You’ve been together 3 years, you go out together on days out with the children sometimes… he has once or twice got your kids something, not been consistent about it and brought 1 something but not the other. Odd in itself.Just all sounds very very casual. Once he got his feet in the door it sounds like he stopped bothering because he could spend as much or as little effort as he needed. Sounds like minimal effort. What’s he like otherwise? Would love to know what the kids think of him and your relationship. I do not think it’s unreasonable for him to buy a token gift as your “partner” but he sounds more like someone you are sleeping with.

3 yrs and he's not buying your kids a Christmas present?!

My neighbour buys mine presents, she probably only sees them once a month saying hi on the doorstep!

You need to spell it out for him. They should be important people to him as they're important to you.