To ask DP to get presents for my kids?

[SecretSantaAnon]

DP is childless, however I have two pre-teen kids from a previous marriage. We've been together for three years and have our own places but are unlikely to move in together till the kids are a lot older. Neither of us has any desire to "blend" the family and/or announce DP is a step-parent, as the current situation works very well as it is - DP stays over quite often, including when I have the kids and they get on together brilliantly. We also go out as a group, do activities together, etc.

After DP first got to know the kids, last year, he raised the idea of getting them Christmas presents (as we aren't really blended and "mum and step-dad", so he doesn't contribute to their main presents from me). He wasn't sure what to get them, and we ran out of time, so in the end he gave them some money to spend. When DC1's birthday came around he suggested we go to a bookshop and he'd buy him what he wanted there, which we did. When DC2's birthday came around he didn't even bring it up. I ended up buying a book for DC2 myself, wrapped it and said it was from DP (who wasn't there, which was fair enough as he had work commitments) thinking I would ask him to pay me back later.

We're now in the run-up for Christmas and DP has just gently ribbed me about how I'm still buying presents, when he's apparently finished his list. The thing is, I know he's not got anything for the kids. Given we've set a precedent, I feel they're going to be let down when the day comes - they're going to ask where DP's present is. DP will be spending Christmas Day with his family so won't be there to experience this. So I feel it's a bit crappy - yes, he's not their Step-Dad but he is in their lives a lot now. I feel it sends a message he doesn't really give a toss about them.

In fairness to DP, he's had a lot on with work and his family, and he is a bit on the spectrum so most likely just completely didn't think about it. However, I know for a fact his parents - who the kids have only met two or three times - will have got them something, if only a box of chocolate bars each.

What do you think? AIBU to think I should prompt him to get presents for the kids, even if only a small and token thing?

As an ND person myself, no one is “a bit on the spectrum”, you’re either on the spectrum or someone is using that as a shitty excuse for poor behaviour. I don’t think it’s necessarily he’s set the standard with present giving as he’s done it twice and you’ve carried it on, but the sensible thing would just be to communicate to partner that you are curious as to whether he intends to get anything small for the children from him and if so does he need help picking something out? And make it clear the only reason you are asking is because he has done it before and then explain that it’s not about the material aspect but the act of giving and what it symbolises to the children from an emotional standpoint as he’s done it before and not doing it again sends an unpleasant message to the children. Make sure to say that you don’t expect it to be money, it could be a token as small as their favourite chocolates or sweets or a selection box so he doesn’t think you’re being grabby. His reaction to this will tell you whether he’s genuinely neurodivergent or not,..

Are you and the.kids seeing him over Christmas?

If so, if you are doing a Christmas, then I would expect him to get something for the kids. And the kids to get or make a present for him. So that they can collectively share gifts

But if he's not being involved in the Christmas process then probably wouldn't automatically expect gifts

Sounds like as far as his concerned the children present wise are just your children like you say not blended.

Does he buy other unrelated children gifts. You know like his friends children because that seems to be the level of where his at with your children. As you say his not their step dad just a man his mum spends time with and around them sometimes.

This is the answer.

Ya I think he sees himself in more of an uncle role which he is really ( and yes some uncles do manage to buy all the nieces and nephews gifts on time without the input of a significant other, but let's be honest many are hit and miss) and is just a bit absentminded re the gifts, not realising once you start you really should continue, you certainly can't buy one a birthday present and not the other!
Really though that was your opportunity to sort this out, why on earth did you buy a gift and say it was from him rather than say to him 'look you got A a gift surely you can see you can't not get B something??' what did he say when your child thanked him for a book he did get him?

He stays over when your kids are home ,he goes out with you all as a family.
That's getting near step dad territory
Just coz you haven't put a label on him ,
he is in their lives as an adult who cares about them and should be thinking of them
Absolute disgrace he doesn't think to buy them Christmas presents after 3 years in their life .
Why have you set the bar so low for how your children are treated by this man

I think he's probably a bit confused about his role here, as am I.

You don't want him to be a 'step dad' figure, but he stays overnight and the kids know that he is your partner. You don't want him to be too involved in the lives of your children but then you expect him to get them gifts. It's all a bit confusing.

It sounds like you just need to have a quick convo about it to manage everyone's expectations.

Yes I do think he should WANT to give your children a present. It doesn't need to be anything OTT, but it'll make them feel included.

Maybe like a PO said, just mention to him that they've bought him something. Or just be brave and say soemthing like -
"I was just wondering if you were planning on getting X and Y a gift at Xmas? I'm only asking as I know you did last year and I've got a couple things left to get them which might be a good idea for you".

Have you got him something from the kids? If so i would mention that and make he is getting them a present so no awkwardness on Christmas day.

Have your children ever given him anything for his bday/xmas? (Obviously this would need to be facilitated by you)

I don’t think he owes them a gift. You don’t live together, you said you aren’t a blended family and he won’t even be there on the day. It might be nice if he had taken the initiative to get them something but he’s also not a mind reader and you haven’t clearly communicated about this issue.

Were your children suitably appreciative for the gifts they’ve received from him previously? (A thank you? In person or text/card?)

I have previously stopped gifting to certain extended relatives after several years when a) I never received a gift and b) I never received a thank you or even an acknowledgment that the gift had been delivered.

He isn’t a little bit on the spectrum, he’s either autistic or he isn’t.

If you want him to buy presents for your kids, tell him. If he is autistic, he will be frustrated that you expect him to read your mind. Mind you, neurotypicals can’t read minds either 🤣

Conversation and communication is important. Not everyone thinks the way you do.

Same!

I had a friends eldest kid turn 13, I’d bought her and her sisters many birthday presents before but as this was her 13th I sent her mum £50 as a cash gift for her daughter via bank transfer.

I was also seeing her later either the same or the following day as her birthday event was being held in this little centre 10 mins away from me so the plan was to go and give her a birthday hug briefly and say hi in person. I may have had a card too - can’t remember.

That was all fine but then my friend started sending text about how more adults should have texted her daughter to say happy birthday.

She then re-sent me her daughters phone number which confirmed although she was ostensibly moaning about her kids dad family it was a bit of a dig or a hint to me too.

That put my back up and I didn’t text! I just waited to see her kid and said happy birthday in person as planned.

Instead of suggesting to her kid she should text her Aunty Sorshpans to say thanks for the cash, she was putting more demands on me? Nah not on! I wasn’t even bothered about her kid not texting to say thank you initially but when she started throwing hints that I should do more that’s when I got irritated and realised it was all one way. Later that day when I saw her daughter she didn’t say thank you either. Again she’s just a young teen so I didn’t hold it against her but my friend was so entitled!

And this friend was someone who had never given me a present in her life despite me constantly buying for her 3 kids birthdays and turning up to birthday dinners at restaurants where I had to pay my way despite her kids dad/partner not even bothering to attend half the time!

I stopped presents for all of them after that!

You could spare your DCs' disappointment/confusion on Christmas Day by telling them in advance that DP won't be getting them presents, so everyone is on the same page.

However, it would be fairer to tell DP that you're going to do this beforehand, especially since you state he's "a bit on the spectrum" and might not realise they are even expecting presents from him.

Also, you say a precedent has been set because you've previously bought presents and pretended they were from him, but he might not realise this precedent exists - it sounds like you unilaterally set the precedent of gifting things "from him", so it sounds like you've set a precedent with DP as well as with your DC - if you want it to change, I think you need to talk to DP and unravel the confusion.

It sounds like there are a lot of mixed messages about your expectations on how DP should interact with your DC. E.g. you say:

Neither of us has any desire to "blend" the family and/or announce DP is a step-parent, as the current situation works very well as it is

But also:

I'm just not sure if it's sunken in that since the kids are in his life too as we come as a package, he maybe should be thinking a bit more seriously about them too?

The step-parent thing can be challenging and complicated, and it's usual for the partner/step-parent relationship with the DC to evolve as the romantic relationship grows more serious and long-term, but honest communication makes it easier.

And if he's not there on Christmas day then why would they be expecting presents from him as well?

Unless they've got him presents and are expecting to see him.

Think it just needs some open communication with everyone about what is happening at Christmas including presents

I don't understand this if I'm honest.

*my relationship with my children is very different because my ex took them in our divorce (no bashing!)

But I've bought all my kids Christmas presents like I do every year, and added my partners name on to the tag, but, we do live together and help each other financially.......

I'm not sure I'd expect him to get my kids anything of his own accord, and not because he's on the spectrum, or, because he doesn't care (like i said my situation is different - alienation etc) but because I dont see the big deal of adding his name to the tag.....

Just ask if he wants to buy them a gift him probably clueless what 2 pre teen want

He's in their lives. They are important to you. You are important to him. 100% he should get at least a token gift. If he doesn't he's showing himself up a bit tbh (his parents clearly realise this). Definitely have a word.

Op non of the details matter here who spends Xmas where etc.
It's a basic kindness and courtesy that he buys the so called current love of his life's sc a present!!!

My god look at everything Charles did for camilla dc.

It's basic kindest and etiquette.