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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to 'outsource' a bit of parenting? (Tutor?)

33 replies

Emily198222 · 10/12/2024 19:30

I have an 8 yo who is a bit behind at school.
She's happy and confident and chatty but academically 'working towards'.

I want to help her but I'm struggling with this. I think I have undiagnosed adhd and find it absolutely impossible to follow through on plans to schedule regular study things like spellings/time tables/homework.
I really, really want to. But I just can't do it. I've tried so many times with a new routine.
I work full time with a random shift pattern which doesn't help.

I'm wondering if I need to accept that despite good intentions I can't make this work and whether I should try and get her a tutor for an hour a week to do some 1-1 teaching.
Does this sound like a reasonable plan? Would it help do you think?
Has anyone done it?
I'm not aspiring to massive academic heights etc, I don't think she's an academic sort and I'm ok with that, she has many other incredible qualities, but I don't want her to flop her sats because I can't get my shit together.

I feel shit about it so would appreciate not getting a battering, although I know I'm in aibu which is sort of asking for it.

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 10/12/2024 19:31

I’m a qualified teacher and I still outsource this aspect of parenting

Depressedbarbie · 10/12/2024 19:33

It's absolutely fine to do this. I tutor for a girl in a similar situation. However, just be aware that it cannot replace daily practise if she's behind. It will definitely help a bit, but not as much as 5 minutes practise a day. This from experience x

pandarific · 10/12/2024 19:33

I think this is responsible of you. You’ve identified an area of parenting you’re not confident in, and because it’s important you’ve made sure it will happen regardless of your ability, recognising the skills you lack.

Harrysmummy246 · 10/12/2024 19:33

An hour will be too long for an eight year old. By all means get a tutor for half an hour or ask school if there is an intervention they can make.

But ultimately this is about a little practice every day. And ADHD is crap, yes, I am waiting for diagnosis, but some things just have to get done, same as laundry or walking dogs. Phone reminders, lists, whatever it takes, but support your daughter

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/12/2024 19:33

I don't think YABU at all, if you can afford it then absolutely do it. I can't comment on if an hour a week would help as I'm not a teacher/tutor.

randomchap · 10/12/2024 19:34

The tutor will be far more skilled at educating than you are. You're doing the best for your child. It's a good decision.

HollyGolightly4 · 10/12/2024 19:34

Absolutely don't think it's a bad idea. The only thing to think about, is high schools use sats for GCSE targets (that's what their progress figure is based on) so in the future, could the academic support she received for sats turn into a negative?

JassyRadlett · 10/12/2024 19:34

Honestly, a good tutor can be so beneficial! Kids are way more likely to knuckle under and do the work for an external authority figure than they are for a parent, and a lot of primary tutors are teachers themselves so are good at ferreting out what's going wrong and fixing kids' understanding.

I'd still do everything you can to do the regular work in between - set alarms on your phone, use the school run for a different thing each week, twenty minutes of reading before bed is as non-negotiable as brushing teeth, etc. We always do spellings on the way to school on test morning and see how many right times tables answers we can get by the end of our street on non-spelling mornings.

Depressedbarbie · 10/12/2024 19:35

Do you think that using an app with a timer for some of this might help? There are lots of motivating apps

Original poster
Emily198222 · 10/12/2024 19:53

Oh these replies are just so great, thank you for not ripping me a new one.

I've really tried.
My oh is useless and does nothing like this so the x4 days I'm working late there's no chance of it happening.

She's also not keen to do things with me so it's a battle. I agree what pp said about someone fresh and new and knuckling down to work.

I'm not sure where to start with finding a tutor but I think it's a good plan, or the best plan I can come up with.

OP posts:
BogRollBOGOF · 10/12/2024 20:07

DS goes to tutoring. He's dyslexic and has inconsistent skills.

Supporting him at home is not suitable for his needs; for a start it brings back far too many memories of lockdown "home learning" which only resulted in him sobbing on my lap and deep frustration for us both. The tutor is a specialist in the skills that the curriculum expects and tailors the work to build up his gaps and pitches them at a level that he suceeds at. I might have a PGCE, but I'm no expert that aspect of subject knowledge. He concentrates better by going to a small group learning environment with a tutor and doesn't try escaping off like he does at home.

He went from a few years of "working towards" while school ignored his blatant dyslexia to just about meeting age expectations in SATs. I don't care about SATs in themselves, but he does need the skills to access the full curriculum across secondary school, and being "working towards" was not an ideal foundation Now he's through SATs, the tutor is focusing on other skills such as coherently structuring his writing as he finds it very difficult to blend multiple skills simultaneously. His SATs grades and the targets they generate are modest compared to his subject knowledge across much of the curriculum so he's not under inflated pressure.

I don't know if he has other SENs involved, but like his autistic brother, he really struggles to merge academic concentration into home life, and it's a common ND trait.

Harrysmummy246 · 10/12/2024 20:11

randomchap · 10/12/2024 19:34

The tutor will be far more skilled at educating than you are. You're doing the best for your child. It's a good decision.

Not necessarily. Sometimes just uni students looking to top up funds etc

Thedogstolemyheatedblanket · 10/12/2024 20:16

Of course YANBU. Both mine have had tutors throughout.

DS because school was/is too easy and he likes to be stretched more. So he does it just for "fun" really. At secondary school he is just having science tutoring because the topics were too basic for him (he spent the pandemic teaching himself quite a bit of science or choosing to do online tutorials in it)

DD goes because she has quite severe dyslexia. She's bright but some elements of school she finds very hard. A tutor gives her the time to work in her own way and focus on both her strengths and her battles.

If she has a busy week with hobbies etc she just takes her homework to the tutor and they work through that Grin. It's actually also quite a good way for the tutor to get a sense of what she is learning in school

She genuinely loves going and it means she gets that 1:1 focussed support

I would recommend picking a qualified teacher for a tutor though not the strange tutor factories /enthusiastic university students.

Thedogstolemyheatedblanket · 10/12/2024 20:17

Harrysmummy246 · 10/12/2024 20:11

Not necessarily. Sometimes just uni students looking to top up funds etc

Show quote history

I imagine random chap was assuming op will have the sense to pick a tutor who is a qualified teacher

HRTQueen · 10/12/2024 20:21

I did

no regrets at all ds will sit happily with his tutor with me everything becomes an argument when it comes to homework other areas he is an easy child

he does have adhd and likely I have too so that probably didn’t help

Cosyblankets · 10/12/2024 20:27

Harrysmummy246 · 10/12/2024 19:33

An hour will be too long for an eight year old. By all means get a tutor for half an hour or ask school if there is an intervention they can make.

But ultimately this is about a little practice every day. And ADHD is crap, yes, I am waiting for diagnosis, but some things just have to get done, same as laundry or walking dogs. Phone reminders, lists, whatever it takes, but support your daughter

I do 45 minutes for most kids this age.
But plenty of 8 year olds would cope.
When the parents about how long i tell them they know their kids best and let them choose either 45 min or an hour.

OP please make sure you get a qualified teacher rather than a uni student

tarmactreacle · 10/12/2024 20:27

No idea, do what you think is best but I just jumped on to say ADHD is hereditary so if you think you have it please watch out for signs in your daughter. This might possibly explain why she is working towards at school. Does she struggle with focus too?

I may have completely the wrong end of the stick but it's worth being aware of.

Good luck! ADHD is so tough when it comes to juggling parenting/life!

PerditaLaChien · 10/12/2024 20:29

Take planning/research out of it. Buy books like cgp or something where all you have to do is get her to do a little each day.

What does she struggle with most? Start there.

Typerighter · 10/12/2024 20:30

Have you considered she might have ADHD?

Newyearnewnameagain20 · 10/12/2024 20:32

If you can afford it definitely outsource this. Your child will listen to the tutor way better than they will to you! Sounds very responsible of you to be helping your child where they have a need rather then leaving them to struggle

Original poster
Emily198222 · 10/12/2024 20:40

PerditaLaChien · 10/12/2024 20:29

Take planning/research out of it. Buy books like cgp or something where all you have to do is get her to do a little each day.

What does she struggle with most? Start there.

I've bought so many of these books.
Every summer holiday I've bought a book for each child with intentions of doing a bit a day. It just never comes to fruition and I'm left feeling like a crap, useless failure of a parent.

My eldest (12) has adhd. I'm not noticing anything in my youngest that flags it, but I have mentioned it to her teacher just to be aware of.

OP posts:
SlugTrails · 10/12/2024 20:54

Absolutely. I used an ex primary school teacher for my 7 year old for about a year. She actually really enjoyed it. I felt (as did school) she was a bit behind and it was best for her to her to have some dedicated time and space for English and maths. She did an hour a week.

It helped a lot.

arcticpandas · 10/12/2024 20:57

Just be careful when you choose a tutor. You want someone friendly and fun since she's young or she might wind up with learning phobia.

Jabtastic · 10/12/2024 21:00

Don't hesitate to get a tutor. It will save a world of pain.

coxesorangepippin · 10/12/2024 21:02

Dunno why you'd feel shit about it

It's the same as outsourcing any other task